So, last week at the end of a long discussion, my T gave me 'homework' of building a gingerbread house. It was at the end of a discussion about connecting with and nurturing the kid inside, and after brainstorming the 'good' things from childhood, building gingerbread houses came up and thus, the homework. Well, that and trying to think about and make a list of good memories etc...

It all seemed simple on the surface. 'Think of good things'... but I found myself frustrated with being asked to do this all week. I hardly journaled about anything at all, and when I sat down in my session this week... I looked at my T and said something to the effect of ... "Why did you ask me to do that? What's the point?".

I think it's the first time she's seemed really frustrated with me. We talked about why she'd asked me to do it, and she explained that it was important to connect the bad memories with the good ones, important to nurture the 'kid' inside, and other such points.

She was helpful and supportive during the discussion...

It all made sense. But I couldn't shake the fact that I'd basically sat in front of her and said "WTF was the point of that?" and simply...hadn't done it. I'm not sure whether she was frustrated at all, or if she was - whether it was that I hadn't participated in the 'homework', or that I was questioning her approach.

Clearly, I latched onto the idea that not only was she frustrated, but that it was because I was questioning her.

I expressed this...told her I was sorry that I'd said it the way I had and that I was sorry I'd been disrespectful... She expressed that it was all good, that she appreciated that I cared about her feelings,but that she wasn't bothered at all by it. I then got stuck in the 'I'm sorry' loop.

I couldn't shake it, and persisted with expressing that I was sorry for the issue etc... I don't remember what she said exactly, but it used the word 'rupture'...which scared the crap out of me... Like I'd done something to screw with the "relationship" (seems an odd word here) between her and I... and I knew it was because of my response, not the actual situation... Which frustrated me with myself even more and just made my response worse.

She said something that was the first I'd ever heard of it... She told me that it was the first time she could -see- the switch that I had described in when I get stuck in the loop. She explained that she could see it in my face...

After I left (still immensely frustrated), I drove to work blasting Green Day and singing angrily along... The 'fog' had cleared by the time I'd gotten to work...and I sent my T this message:

"I don't think I've been that frustrated with myself in a long time - First at not being able to see that sometimes 'building a gingerbread house' is just about 'building a gingerbread house', opposed to over complicating it by trying to figure it all out before I even start...

And second for unnecessarily complicating that conversation today... I just wanted to solidify that I respect, value and appreciate the way things progress in my sessions, and that the frustration was purely with my complicating that ~ Not about/directed at/toward you, etc... I value the joking around and light-heartedness as much as I value the direct/bullshit free approach, and the balance you find between them... "

To which she replied very quickly that she 'understood completely and was glad I benefited from her approach'...

Anyway... I'm still worried things are going to be weird...

Then I decided I should embrace the gingerbread house homework...and found myself coming upon a massive epiphany, at which point I sent her...

"Speaking of understanding though, something dawned on me just now that I wanted to send... I stopped by Superstore this evening to look for a gingerbread kit. After wandering about and finding a kit, hitting up the bulk candy section to look for extra pieces and spending a long time picking out things and planning out what to do, what I needed, how much of each thing to buy and how to do it etc.... It dawned on me (dawned, like a ton of bricks) – That making gingerbread houses wasn’t some great family event that we did together... It was an extension of my dad’s job, and the houses were huge, elaborate and built to exacting competition worthy specifications... It took weeks of time, there were no fun candies on them, and all needed to be perfect. I remember making things as a kid and remaking them until they were good enough to be included or used...

I remember a couple of years ago – thinking it was this great memory, and wanting to do it with **Step Son**... it wound up being a stressful night where I tried to gear him toward doing things the way I thought they should be done...

Anyway... I think I’ll build a fairly random and childish gingerbread house, covered in randomly placed candy...just for the hell of it."

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So...I built the house... and made it all childish and kindof ugly with no real rhyme or reason.... but I'm still worried that I screwed up the assignment....it really didn't end up being reliving a 'good' childhood experience at all... She hasn't responded to my last, which is cool as it was more info than a question...

but now I'm worried that I missed the entire purpose, and that she'll be frustrated again...

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