AFter i did my bee/wasp thing i felt AWESOME afterwards! i felt like i actually accomplished something. I was overwhelemed at the time because i rather 'froze', that is, i didn't tell my T to drive away when i should have...
dude
p.s. YES we need more input here!
Dude, et al.. lol... I think that's a little too much exposure for me!!! You did a really incredible job with that.
I take myself and think of my trauma related fears and just can't imagine doing anything like that in person.... I don't care with my therapist.. i don't care... I think I would need a shot of xanax or something!!!
Did you ever open that jar of honey?
Today... therapist said she won't be able to see anyone next week due to some random in-house thing at the center so we postponed our starting trauma processing crap.... I was sorta relieved though at the same time sorta upset because I feel like I wasted a whole lot of worry and anxiety management for nothing... lol.... than she siad we can talk about some of my goals.. what I hope to accomplish and want through this process, etc and I did none of that.. it was like all or nothing.. that's it... LOL.. so we talked about my research, goals, academia, obstacles and other issues that came up over the week. She told me to give her a call next week if I want to phone in to check in which I thought was cool of her. She does seem to be a lot more available by telephone than my previous therapist or she makes herself available I should say.. I don't know if it's because of her more extensive background working in mood disorders clinics or what but she is very much the type to check in on your mood each and every session and if you call, she always screens for suicidal thoughts, etc... I'm so not used to that from my past therapist. Guess it's interesting seeing different peoples ways of doing things.
You know something I'm trying to figure out and maybe someone might have some input on this. I do have my own hypothesis about it. Last year, when I began doing trauma work, I was a lot mroe... well... I was nervous as heck but more open to it. THis time, I'm open.. I want to but I'm a heck of a lot more scared. I don't quite understand that because I was really scared before and now I've done this part before. I've told my story or stories before... I've done or been through some bits of exposure.. wrote some letters.. had to read them like every week at least once... did some other exercises like writing about how my abuse effects me from the past, present and future in self, other and world view, etc etc.... and now this time around, just the idea of having to repeat say a primary story is just really scaring me. Like I used to be able to thinl about it.. like reherse it in my head.. kinda... expose myself, if you will.... to it all.. write it out.. get it out of my system and than talk about it but now, i can't bare to do that.... and I just have to kinda wait.. .and deal with it as it comes. My hypothesis is that the processing that I did activated it so it's much more surface level than it used to be thus repeating the stories now is much more emotionally scary because Im much more connected to it than I used to be. I suppose this means therapy was working... but how long am I going to feel this way? The ultimate question for me....
I take myself and think of my trauma related fears and just can't imagine doing anything like that in person.... I don't care with my therapist.. i don't care... I think I would need a shot of xanax or something!!!
Did you ever open that jar of honey?
Today... therapist said she won't be able to see anyone next week due to some random in-house thing at the center so we postponed our starting trauma processing crap.... I was sorta relieved though at the same time sorta upset because I feel like I wasted a whole lot of worry and anxiety management for nothing... lol.... than she siad we can talk about some of my goals.. what I hope to accomplish and want through this process, etc and I did none of that.. it was like all or nothing.. that's it... LOL.. so we talked about my research, goals, academia, obstacles and other issues that came up over the week. She told me to give her a call next week if I want to phone in to check in which I thought was cool of her. She does seem to be a lot more available by telephone than my previous therapist or she makes herself available I should say.. I don't know if it's because of her more extensive background working in mood disorders clinics or what but she is very much the type to check in on your mood each and every session and if you call, she always screens for suicidal thoughts, etc... I'm so not used to that from my past therapist. Guess it's interesting seeing different peoples ways of doing things.
You know something I'm trying to figure out and maybe someone might have some input on this. I do have my own hypothesis about it. Last year, when I began doing trauma work, I was a lot mroe... well... I was nervous as heck but more open to it. THis time, I'm open.. I want to but I'm a heck of a lot more scared. I don't quite understand that because I was really scared before and now I've done this part before. I've told my story or stories before... I've done or been through some bits of exposure.. wrote some letters.. had to read them like every week at least once... did some other exercises like writing about how my abuse effects me from the past, present and future in self, other and world view, etc etc.... and now this time around, just the idea of having to repeat say a primary story is just really scaring me. Like I used to be able to thinl about it.. like reherse it in my head.. kinda... expose myself, if you will.... to it all.. write it out.. get it out of my system and than talk about it but now, i can't bare to do that.... and I just have to kinda wait.. .and deal with it as it comes. My hypothesis is that the processing that I did activated it so it's much more surface level than it used to be thus repeating the stories now is much more emotionally scary because Im much more connected to it than I used to be. I suppose this means therapy was working... but how long am I going to feel this way? The ultimate question for me....
I thought I did 'ok'. Actually, i didn't get out of the car LOL. But, there were darned bees frlying around it which totally flipped me out. My mantra is 'they are NOT out to get me personally'.... more later.
- dude
- dude
I don't have a bee phobia Dude.. and I wouldn't have gotten out of the car.... that's common sense!!!! If therapist said we should get out of the car, I would have said, you first!! hehehe.. kidding.....
you did terrific which is much better than 'ok'
you did terrific which is much better than 'ok'
Guess no one has any input on my hypothesis from my last post, eh?? 
Besides that comment, wanted to say that while I live in San Diego, so far, we are safe from the fires... lots of fires but we haven't had to evacuate. I don't know anyone personally affected as of yet...
Another completely unrelated question to the above two statements.. well maybe not completely unrelated but not directly... where do intrusive memories 'flood' (is that the term?) from? It makes sense that if there is a stimulus related to the memory, that intrusive memories might come about but if one has the intrusive thoughts/memories, etc with seemingly no provoking/triggering stim.... what explains that??
Or is that a matter of.. maybe one just didn't recognize or pick up the triggering factors....
Besides that comment, wanted to say that while I live in San Diego, so far, we are safe from the fires... lots of fires but we haven't had to evacuate. I don't know anyone personally affected as of yet...
Another completely unrelated question to the above two statements.. well maybe not completely unrelated but not directly... where do intrusive memories 'flood' (is that the term?) from? It makes sense that if there is a stimulus related to the memory, that intrusive memories might come about but if one has the intrusive thoughts/memories, etc with seemingly no provoking/triggering stim.... what explains that??
Or is that a matter of.. maybe one just didn't recognize or pick up the triggering factors....
"My hypothesis is that the processing that I did activated it so it's much more surface level than it used to be thus repeating the stories now is much more emotionally scary because Im much more connected to it than I used to be"
You also have a new therapist right? it always takes a while to trust someone. Perhaps you aren't ready for that big of a step? Perhaps it doesn't yet seem safe enough for you? Our T has the view that each time you deal with a memory, you have new feelings, new thoughts, and perhaps new ways of looking at it. Maybe the memory is going deeper for you?
Also, I think our body has a way of betraying us! It remembers and responds before our 'head' does. Therefore, you may not sense a trigger for a memory 'in your head'. Make sense?
Glad you are keeping safe. We have another friend in California who we are worried about... need to try to contact her.
- Antoni (I'm with Dude)
You also have a new therapist right? it always takes a while to trust someone. Perhaps you aren't ready for that big of a step? Perhaps it doesn't yet seem safe enough for you? Our T has the view that each time you deal with a memory, you have new feelings, new thoughts, and perhaps new ways of looking at it. Maybe the memory is going deeper for you?
Also, I think our body has a way of betraying us! It remembers and responds before our 'head' does. Therefore, you may not sense a trigger for a memory 'in your head'. Make sense?
Glad you are keeping safe. We have another friend in California who we are worried about... need to try to contact her.
- Antoni (I'm with Dude)
Hi Butterfly Warrior, I'm sorry I didn't see your post.
I think you're right that you're more connected to to your trauma, but this could be for many reasons. I think of it as the level of activation being up and our level of activation can be up for instance as Antoni mentioned...if you're not yet feeling enough safety with your therapist. This is a big factor. Stress from life circumstances can bring our activation up too. I think of the body as a container where too much stimulation can bring up our activation even on a daily basis. After a good night sleep for instance, our level of activation can be a little lower.
The more my container is "full" i.e. activated, the more I feel my "stuff", my traumas, my issues. Too much activation in my system--from whatever source--makes me less resilient. I feel my traumas more intensely.
I'm also wondering as you mention, if you're re-triggering the memory of the work you did before. Is it possible you got too much "exposure" last time when you did your trauma work? We can get re-traumatized by going over our own traumas when it isn't titrated i.e. in keeping with your level of activation. I'm always surprised--and so are my clients--how activated we can get without knowing it. The only way we can know it is by slowing everything down and checking into our body--and only--when we're feeling safe. Otherwise, the nervous system may block some of your activation from your awareness. When there is a lot of dissociation (i.e. numbing) in the way, it makes it harder to recognize it too...boy is it ever complicated to try to describe my work.
But you're doing the "work" anyway even though you're not in the middle of the trauma. Just feeling the angst about doing trauma work is the "work".
By calming yourself down as you think of doing it, could help (i.e. hot bath, connecting with your therapist). I experienced regular progress in my therapy without going anywhere near my traumas. And I did this for years. I have only touched on some of my trauma stuff today.
Shrinklady
I think you're right that you're more connected to to your trauma, but this could be for many reasons. I think of it as the level of activation being up and our level of activation can be up for instance as Antoni mentioned...if you're not yet feeling enough safety with your therapist. This is a big factor. Stress from life circumstances can bring our activation up too. I think of the body as a container where too much stimulation can bring up our activation even on a daily basis. After a good night sleep for instance, our level of activation can be a little lower.
The more my container is "full" i.e. activated, the more I feel my "stuff", my traumas, my issues. Too much activation in my system--from whatever source--makes me less resilient. I feel my traumas more intensely.
I'm also wondering as you mention, if you're re-triggering the memory of the work you did before. Is it possible you got too much "exposure" last time when you did your trauma work? We can get re-traumatized by going over our own traumas when it isn't titrated i.e. in keeping with your level of activation. I'm always surprised--and so are my clients--how activated we can get without knowing it. The only way we can know it is by slowing everything down and checking into our body--and only--when we're feeling safe. Otherwise, the nervous system may block some of your activation from your awareness. When there is a lot of dissociation (i.e. numbing) in the way, it makes it harder to recognize it too...boy is it ever complicated to try to describe my work.
But you're doing the "work" anyway even though you're not in the middle of the trauma. Just feeling the angst about doing trauma work is the "work".
By calming yourself down as you think of doing it, could help (i.e. hot bath, connecting with your therapist). I experienced regular progress in my therapy without going anywhere near my traumas. And I did this for years. I have only touched on some of my trauma stuff today.
Shrinklady
Sorry everyone that I have been so long in responding.
Im in san diego california where all of the fires have been and it has been really stressful. Things are much much calmer now but my own stress/depression/anxiety levels are not great and I have been doing a whole lot of sleeping, even to the point that I missed therapy this past tuesday, something I NEVER, EVER do.
I very much appreciate everyones feedback on the issues I brought up and plan to respond to them but right now, I still feel pretty crappy after dealing with another migraine today. I think it was a rebound one because I'm on MS COntin. . a type of morphine for my chronic pain but sometimes, it turns against me and I believe that happend today because I was really late taking it from.. well sleeping bassiucally all day.
I'm glad to see we have a new face here at the forum and hope to see more.
ttfn
Butterfly Warrior
Im in san diego california where all of the fires have been and it has been really stressful. Things are much much calmer now but my own stress/depression/anxiety levels are not great and I have been doing a whole lot of sleeping, even to the point that I missed therapy this past tuesday, something I NEVER, EVER do.
I very much appreciate everyones feedback on the issues I brought up and plan to respond to them but right now, I still feel pretty crappy after dealing with another migraine today. I think it was a rebound one because I'm on MS COntin. . a type of morphine for my chronic pain but sometimes, it turns against me and I believe that happend today because I was really late taking it from.. well sleeping bassiucally all day.
I'm glad to see we have a new face here at the forum and hope to see more.
ttfn
Butterfly Warrior
Hello Butterfly Warrior, good to hear from you. I was thinking of you this past week, being in San Francisco and all, and remembering as I heard more about the fires, that you were near them. I haven't heard where the fires are now. Have things started to settle? Are you safe where you are?
I glad to hear that you're getting plenty of sleep. It's a natural ressponse. I'm a big "bath" person. Hope you're getting those too.
Take good care,
Shrinklady
I glad to hear that you're getting plenty of sleep. It's a natural ressponse. I'm a big "bath" person. Hope you're getting those too.
Take good care,
Shrinklady
Shrinklady-
Thank you for your kind thoughts.. sorry Inever responded... looks like i somehow never saw them or something.
I love taking long hot showers. I can't take baths due to my arthritis but I miss them however I sit on my showerchair and enjoy the water just falling on me.. loveeee it.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.. sorry Inever responded... looks like i somehow never saw them or something.
I love taking long hot showers. I can't take baths due to my arthritis but I miss them however I sit on my showerchair and enjoy the water just falling on me.. loveeee it.
Hello Butterfly Warrior, so glad to see you back.
Yes, about posts...I have the dickens of a time...as my grandmother would say...finding posts on this board. But since it's my first board experience I figure it will just take me some time...so I completely understand that you might not have seen it. That's what I figured.
By the way, are you able to get into to see your therapist yet? I was thinking about you lately because I recalled you were only able to talk with her over the phone and I've been researching phone counseling. It'd be ideal if you had streaming video.
Shrinklady
Yes, about posts...I have the dickens of a time...as my grandmother would say...finding posts on this board. But since it's my first board experience I figure it will just take me some time...so I completely understand that you might not have seen it. That's what I figured.
By the way, are you able to get into to see your therapist yet? I was thinking about you lately because I recalled you were only able to talk with her over the phone and I've been researching phone counseling. It'd be ideal if you had streaming video.
Shrinklady
For each topic you can put "notifications : On" at the bottom. It might help a bit.
antoni
antoni
Thanks Antoni, yup, I know that one...took me a while to understand how it works. It doesn't always work and I guess it's when the subject changes and then naturally I don't get notified.
It might help if I read my manual...seems everyday something new to learn.
Shrinklady
It might help if I read my manual...seems everyday something new to learn.
Shrinklady
Shrinklady-
Thanks again for your kind concern.
I'm not a fan of telephone counseling at all. That visual effect is REALLY needed. I guess if I were blind, it would be diffferent but since Im not, it drives me up the wall. I just can't feel comfortable. I'm glad to have the contact though so it's better than nothing at all!!!
I did get to see her today.. or make that yesterday actually and about 2 weeks ago, a friend took me by car which was really nice. Yesterday, we acclomplished a whole lot in person and I have to say, I was really nervous seeing her because it has been so long since I have been IN the office!!! How odd!! I guess I'm a real stickler to my safe space thing.
My depression is just horrible and I have been aware of it though in denial of just how debilitating it has been and I think that has been brought to my attention so back to the baby steps of behavioral activation. I do like this approach in CBT but than I get frustrated because I have the totally high expectations type A personality hard core need to achieve way more than my mood is ready to handle so than I'm like... oh... i can't do these baby steps, this is DUMB... So I did bring that up to her and she pointed me back to one of my favotite books "Full Catastrophe Living" ... mindfulness type approach about trying to reserve/hold back judgement/critisism... so that's a good reminder.. I need to find this book.. it's in my book shelf some place.
I looked up somatic expereincing therapist the other day and there is one near me that seems to have extensive expereince. Not only as a SE therapist but also in EMDR too. She sounds perfect for the trauma work I need but I don't have any financial assistance right now nor insurance so that wouldnt work however I was just happy to see that someone was so near to me. I'm tempted to email her just to find out more about her work, approach type thing.
In terms of managing your Boards.... it's amazing that you do this. I have tried to manage a forum within something like Livejournal and it was rather overwhelming for me!!! I'm sure you will get the hang of it all soon.
Next week I have another session and than it's christmas/new years.. so won't see her again until Jan. She said she doesn't like being gone so long which I guess is nice that she cares but it makes me feel weird when she says that.. not sure why.. guess im weird.. lol.
Ciao
Thanks again for your kind concern.
I'm not a fan of telephone counseling at all. That visual effect is REALLY needed. I guess if I were blind, it would be diffferent but since Im not, it drives me up the wall. I just can't feel comfortable. I'm glad to have the contact though so it's better than nothing at all!!!
I did get to see her today.. or make that yesterday actually and about 2 weeks ago, a friend took me by car which was really nice. Yesterday, we acclomplished a whole lot in person and I have to say, I was really nervous seeing her because it has been so long since I have been IN the office!!! How odd!! I guess I'm a real stickler to my safe space thing.
My depression is just horrible and I have been aware of it though in denial of just how debilitating it has been and I think that has been brought to my attention so back to the baby steps of behavioral activation. I do like this approach in CBT but than I get frustrated because I have the totally high expectations type A personality hard core need to achieve way more than my mood is ready to handle so than I'm like... oh... i can't do these baby steps, this is DUMB... So I did bring that up to her and she pointed me back to one of my favotite books "Full Catastrophe Living" ... mindfulness type approach about trying to reserve/hold back judgement/critisism... so that's a good reminder.. I need to find this book.. it's in my book shelf some place.
I looked up somatic expereincing therapist the other day and there is one near me that seems to have extensive expereince. Not only as a SE therapist but also in EMDR too. She sounds perfect for the trauma work I need but I don't have any financial assistance right now nor insurance so that wouldnt work however I was just happy to see that someone was so near to me. I'm tempted to email her just to find out more about her work, approach type thing.
In terms of managing your Boards.... it's amazing that you do this. I have tried to manage a forum within something like Livejournal and it was rather overwhelming for me!!! I'm sure you will get the hang of it all soon.
Next week I have another session and than it's christmas/new years.. so won't see her again until Jan. She said she doesn't like being gone so long which I guess is nice that she cares but it makes me feel weird when she says that.. not sure why.. guess im weird.. lol.
Ciao
reading your manual is always a good thing! You sure you're not a guy?? LOL NOT reading instructions is a typical guy thing is it not?
We're in 'crisis mode' rather here. So I (Antoni) am 'in charge' which I don't do so well but I'm trying.
I'm not so great with the kids (inside or outside kids) but I'm doing my best!
Antoni
We're in 'crisis mode' rather here. So I (Antoni) am 'in charge' which I don't do so well but I'm trying.
I'm not so great with the kids (inside or outside kids) but I'm doing my best!
Antoni
Hi Antoni, yeah, I'm not one to read a map either. I guess I like to create a bit of challenge. When someone is describing where I'm to meet them, I imagine the houses, streets and landmarks in my mind and then I go from there.
Sorry to hear things aren't going so well. You have manage things, eh? Interesting. I'm curious do you have a sense of being a kid to draw from?
Shrinklady
Sorry to hear things aren't going so well. You have manage things, eh? Interesting. I'm curious do you have a sense of being a kid to draw from?
Shrinklady
LOL!!!
you're asking an inside guy if i have an inner child?? that's incredibly funny!!
antoni
you're asking an inside guy if i have an inner child?? that's incredibly funny!!
antoni
Hey, are you laughing at me! Yeah, I guess it sounds kinda funny. Glad I could make you laugh.
Shrinklady
Shrinklady
Hope to be laughing 'with' you not 'at' you! I'm just picturing it... that is, which inside kid wants to claim to be MY inner child! hrm...
yes, 'coping'... it's the best I can do at the moment. We have T tonight though. We give CG a run for her money for sure! It must feel like doing therapy with a crowd at times though. So many of us and only her little singleton brain to deal with it all!
Antoni
yes, 'coping'... it's the best I can do at the moment. We have T tonight though. We give CG a run for her money for sure! It must feel like doing therapy with a crowd at times though. So many of us and only her little singleton brain to deal with it all!
Antoni
I don't really know why though it's probably because I'm really sensitive...Im being honest here in a way that makes me feel quite vulnerable but I really dislike when I make a post here ... maybe a rather long one and like no one responds to it... i guess it makes me feel insecure... yes,, im sure this reflects on some inner issue of my own but just the same.... it bothers me..