In (Gottman-style) couples therapy I learned to see vividly my emotional abandonments of my husband. I was already fully aware of his abandonments of me! But my own were invisible to me. We learned how to stay with each other through the hardest things; how to say 'I miss you' instead of mirroring each other's exits; how to come back together after leaving. Etc.

Now I'm starting work with (yet another) individual therapist. I know a lot about her approach and values already and feel confident in her. So it's self-abandonment that's on the agenda. It's starting to be visible... how I turn and walk away, reject the stuff I do, parts of myself maybe... heaps of stuff left at the side of the road? Only glimmers really so far.

Today I noticed once again that I get really angry whenever my mother is sick. I hate the way she seems to throw herself into it. Oh, maybe I feel abandoned? That sense is lurking, inchoate for now, but also - Oh, she's abandoning herself! That's the part I hate - she has stopped looking after herself, doesn't care, nothing will work and nothing matters. Hates everything. I'm feeling my way around that from the inside, how she's turned and walked away.