I'm wondering how long you've worked with him. I think we do imagine a great deal about their lives and concoct our ideal image of who they are or who we want them to be. I know I do. I think my T has the perfect family and he is the most wonderful father, husband, friend, etc. I want him all to myself. I would bring all this up to him because it is important and I know it's really uncomfortable. You may come to a better understanding of who he really is. Although, I don't think we really know them, nor are we "supposed" to know. In time, I think you will be back on track with him. It is all really a great learning process.

Hi Veryhopeful,

I've known him for over 4 years and during that time he has shared quite a bit about himself,including difficulties he has faced in life. We've also had some disagreements in the past, so I'm aware of his tendency to express strong opinions from time to time, but this felt different, as if there was a lack of warmth and understanding while he spoke of parenting.

I'm not sure how I'll approach this with him or if I even will, other than to possibly say it felt more like a lecture than therapy. I know we're not supposed to know them in the full sense, but if he's such an important person in my life, I need to feel that warmth, compassion and empathy towards me and others (in his life) is genuine.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I understand the way you're feeling. Four years is a long time too. Honestly, he could have been experiencing some stress of his own and could have been coming off as abbrasive and insensitive. I think, in time, you will feel more connected. We all know this process has all kinds of ups and downs, setbacks, etc. It is not easy and when it does not feel good, it's really not easy. I also think, if he was not who you perceive him to be or a cold person, you would have picked up on that long ago. Hang in there. BTW....I wanted Summer as my screen name but "someone" already took it!

((((SUMMER))))

Just sending hugs. What did he say about parenting? Don't share if you don't feel comfortable sharing.

Summer, I have had some temporary change of feelings towards a T over something they said or disclosed. It usually abated after we had more discussion and some time passed. I do think we tend to idealize our T's and have them being perfect parents, spouses, friends, etc but they are only human and they are not always 100% correct about things. I think it's when we see their only human frailties it can be shocking and disorienting to us at times.

I think it would be within your rights to bring this back up letting him know how this made you feel. Perhaps with more discussion you will feel better about his thoughts or you will be able to come to terms with what he believes.

I know this is not easy. But don't allow this to overshadow all the good that is between you.

Hugs
TN

Thank you for the replies. They're helping me as I try to keep an open mind about what happened, even though I'm feeling disappointed and disconnected from my P.

Hi Veryhopeful, I hope it was just an off day and not a new approach of his, being more expressive about his views and advice, rather than listening to my feelings. Welcome to the forum. I've been around as Summer for quite a while!

Hi Liese, maybe it's not so much exactly what he said about parenting, but his overall attitude in expressing strong views, making me feel as if I had to defend my own. This is such a change from our usual interaction, and leaves me feeling like I'm talking to my parents, not my therapist.

Hi TN, I do want to hold onto the good connection that I've developed with him, and I've overcome misunderstandings with him in the past, but this feels different and I'm not sure why. Maybe time will help my feelings for him return to normal, because right now I feel as if I care less for him due to what he self-disclosed and how he spoke to me about his views.

I will of course go back and try to make it work because this is what I do when we've had problems. I could never give up on my parents during childhood, despite how they treated me, because they were all I had, and sometimes I wonder if this is a healthy pattern to repeat in therapy, not being able to leave, even if the relationship starts causing more pain and confusion than it alleviates.

Summer, is it possible he was just challenging or pushing at you, just see how you would react on this subject. Maybe it feels different to you because that was his intention. I'm probably off base but what exactly have been working on with him lately? A clue there possibly? Anyway, I hope you get back to feeling comfortable with him. Four years is a good amount of time and it would be disconcerting to feel unconnected.

Hi Becca,

I don't think you're off base because it definitely felt as if he was pushing me, but I doubt it was to see how I'd react. I eventually got a little defensive as he expressed his views, apparently as a way to try and give me advice.

I think he really touched a nerve as he talked about spending money, not anything related to payments for sessions, but it made me realize we are from very different worlds and have very different options in our lives. I don't think it's helpful for him to give me advice about something like this, even though he may have believed he had good intentions.

Thanks for your feedback,
Summer

I feel so much for you, Summer. I'm in deep therapy now, doing the Inner Child work. I go all over the scale of love and rejection depending on how my T seems to be at any session. My Inner Child is super- sensitive even tho myself as an adult is very tough. But if the T is very nice, seems to approve of my inner two-yr-old, I'm joyful all week. But whenever she holds back, won't follow me in the session, I feel scared and rejected. Each session, it's as if nothing had gone on before.

I'm a very gung-ho type and my attitude toward the Inner Child is "let's drag her out and have a good look at her" but when my T changes the subject to just every day life, I don't realize she's actually protecting my child...I just feel rejected and critisized.
So, sometimes when your T is coming from left field, there is a subliminal reason and is not how he really is long-term. I hope this makes some sense. After four years with yours it would be hard to change therapists, I would imagine. I hope you two can work things out.

Summer, you said a few very important things. He hit a nerve (very important to dig to see what that nerve is).Often times when T's hit a nerve that is when we change how we feel about them and try to get away. It may be negative transference. Try not to get caught in the emotion. The task is to name it as an emotion and understand it. That's why you need to discuss this with T. No matter how inadequate our parents where/are the child will always try to protect and defend until they come to understand their parents backgrounds. When I first went back to T he infuriated me. I was insulted and deeply hurt at what I perceived to be him insinuating I was a poor parent. I basically said FU and I'm never coming back and blasted him in an email. He was shocked at my reaction. He called me on my cell the next day and as I was walking he saw me from his car. He stopped, got out and walked toward me. He stood close to me and I tried to see his eyes through his sunglasses as he spoke to me trying to persuade me back. He then put his hand on my shoulder and said "think about it". When he touched me....I cringe when people touch me, especially a MAN, I felt the authentic, sincerity emminate from him to me. I knew then he wasn't the enemy, he wanted to help me understand what was never taught to me. And, we've done some amazing work together. Hope you get some resolve with this. I know it does not feel good right now, but I think you can work it out with him. This sounds like one of those opportunities for some real growth.

(((SUMMER)))You said that you're questioning how you could have felt such strong feelings of love towards a person you don't fully know. Honestly, I think its easy to feel this love toward our T's if they are fulfilling our needs that we have never received. We just don't know everything about our T's, so we fill in the blanks with our imagination, and it usually makes them the perfect person that we need and depend on. But in reality they are people just like us. They have weaknesses, good and bad days, and problems like all people. For me I tend to think that therapy works better sometimes if I know less about my T. I have seen a few times when I was hit with reality pertaining to him, he became less "perfect" and more "just another guy". But I realize its unfair for me not to expect him to have flaws like the rest of us. Just like your T, I'm sure he has lots of positive insight to give to you just as he has in the past. I'm hoping what your seeing as a bit of pain and confusion with your T, will work itself out by not giving up. Wishing you the best......

Thanks again for all the support. I am definitely not giving up on my P, and when I go back to my next session, I will try to find the right way to question why he spent so much of the last session expressing his views and trying to give advice.

I sometimes overreact to him, and in the past, we've worked through similar problems, so hopefully that will be the case this time.