Oh, MH, I'm so sorry about what happened today! (((((MH)))))) I'm so glad you came here to vent though! Good job on getting it out.
My t also reacts very strongly when I tell her that I've been cutting, or that I'm thinking about it. She has never threatened me, but she certainly challenges me and damn near hounds me to death trying to get me to choose to do something different. She and I have gone around the whole thing many times, and as I'm sure you've heard, she tells me that it is unhealthy, even though it may be effective. She says there are better ways of releasing that built up tension that makes me want to cut, and I tell her I don't want to be gentle, that I want to hurt myself, and then she says that she knows I do but that I don't have to do it just because I feel like I need to... **round and round and round we go**
Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I know it's hard when your t REALLY doesn't want you to do something, even though it's something that "works" for you (and me!). What I think, however, is because your t didn't understand that you were actively cutting, she heard you say
quote:
I said she had it wrong, that I felt guilty for not cutting enough
and then a light bulb clicked for her. I don't think she's trying to threaten you with termination as much as she is trying to get your desire to work with her and be close to her to fight against your desire to cut and harm yourself. I wholeheartedly agree with SG about how she probably sees you as one of her kids, and she simply won't watch you hurt yourself like that. I think, like my t, she's saying "i'll sit here with you while you feel the pain, but I can't condone you physically hurting yourself like this." My t often says that her putting up with that, or "going along" with me is like her "it's okay, I agree that you have to do that" when that isn't really how she feels.
quote:
I guess I've erroneously started to feel too safe - mistakenly believing I could really be free to tell her anything without fear of consequences.
I hear you when you say that you feel like you shouldn't have let yourself feel safe because I'm sure it feels like that. It's always difficult when we run headlong into our t's boundaries. However, I don't think the relationship we have with our t's is supposed to be consequence-free (this is just my opinion). I mean, while it is OUR time, we don't get to do whatever we please in there, you know? We do have the expectation that we won't be judged, however, and I don't think your t is judgin you. I think she is just telling you what she will not condone. I think your "oh, shit, I'm not safe" meter is going off because of the miscommunication- she thought you weren't cutting and you thought she realized you were. I think this "rocking of the boat" is more abrasive than the boundary itself.
And the truth is, you can lie and not tell her about it. She can't MAKE you stop cutting, that's a choice you get.
But I think your uncomfortable with her challenging you on it altogether. I'd like to say a few more things, but I very well may piss you off, and if I do, you may tell me to go fly a kite! I just think, as someone who has rationalized self-mutilation with the best of them, I need to kinda call you on two things (sorry if I don't know you well enough to this, but I'm taking a risk!!).
1)
quote:
"But you told me that you cared enough to let me do what I must -- that it was the unselfish kind of caring and just the risk you had to take."
I don't think, in any way shape or form, did your t mean that she cared about you ENOUGH to let you hurt yourself. The way I (a third party mind you) interpreted this was that she indeed loves and cares about you enough to let you do as you please, since she can't stop you, but the risk she takes is by investing so much in you, despite the fact that it's ultimately up to YOU what you do with her help. I see it as her loving you ENOUGH to challenge you on something and potentially upset you in order for you to be healthy. She loves you just the same no matter what, but in this instance, you may choose cutting over staying in relationship with her, and she risks that. She doesn't treat you differently, she gives fully of herself to you, unselfishly, not knowing how you'll take it or if you'll choose to receive her. But I don't think you have a free pass from her. That, IMO, isn't caring for another.
2)
quote:
said, "You wouldn't allow one of your own children to cut themselves, would you?" That was a trap. It's not quite the same thing. Of course I wouldn't allow my kids to purposely cut themselves because they are young and innocent. But even more is that cutting would serve no useful purpose for them. Yet as an adult w/issues, SI functions to reduce my anxiety enough to keep me alive and somewhat functional. That's a very useful purpose, right? It would be better if I didn't have the distress to begin with, but since I do I use what I must in order to deal with it.
I think your t meant, if your kids were in YOUR POSITION, right now, what would you want them to do? Of course your kids cutting now isn't comprable, but what if you were YOUR mother, in this moment. Would you say, hey, do what you need to do. Or would you say, I believe that you can find a better alternative and then push for it with all your might?
MH, I know cutting works. I know it's calming and makes you feel better and quiet for a while. I still struggle with it, and I'm not trying to make it seem like I have all the answers. But I don't want you to sit comfortably in this place, thinking that your t is attacking you because she wants to abandon you. I know it might feel that way, and I respect that. But I don't think it is reality. I believe that you and I both can acquire the skills to make different choices when we get all built up with anxiety. The truth is, we don't have to cut to live. We have other choices, one of which is to sit with the anxiety, with our t's, until we learn that feelings come and go.
I know I'm going on and on and if your still reading, please know that I don't think you can stop hurting yourself overnight. But i think you can try different ways of dealing with it. One thing I tell myself is "if I'm not going to stop now, then when? there's never a good, convenient time!" And all you have to do is stop, for this minute, this hour, this afternoon, etc. It doesn't have to be a OMG I CAN'T EVER DO THIS AGAIN. Your t isn't going to leave you. She wants you to choose to attempt to be healthier, and she's firm so that you'll know she's serious.
Okay, I'll leave you be now. Sorry to give you such a hard time! Just know that if you choose to keep cutting, I will understand. I won't think of you any different!!
-A long winded CT!