CT-

I am finding it hard to do the everyday things too. I've set the alarm on my computer at work to go off every hour so if I get sidetracked by my thoughts, it will bring me back to my task at hand.

I have to force myself to do one load of laundry a day. Usually I end up doing it as late as possible and still get to bed on time. And things like keeping my car or desk clean, it just isn't happening.

Your T could be right about rebelling. Since most of my early years were spent with my mom, who had schizophrenia, we took care of ourselves and the house. When we were moved to my grandma's, she forced us to do everything to keep the house up, except the cooking.

As an adult, I find the last thing I do is housecleaning - I come up with all kinds of creative ways to avoid it. And when I'm doing it, I'm not too happy about it. It's gotten even harder lately, since starting all this therapy. I'm not sure if it's emotional exhaustion or rebellion, but it is definitely a problem I'm trying to find an answer to.

OW

Thanks HB. I appreciate you letting me know that it sounds like what I am going through makes sense from an outsider! And I do have a lot on my plate! I am quite sure we all do!

OW- Thanks for sharing your experience. I, too, hate cleaning. I don't want to ever do it, and when I do, I find that I try to get it ALL done at once (what was that about poor regulation...). I just long for some consistency from myself, but I feel like it is far off. I know it will take me a while to get there, and I am glad I am not the only one who feels like I can't get easy things done!

Sure do wish our parents/caregivers had been better models of stability and consistency (among other things, of course)!

-CT

ct, i think i'm in the same boat! sometimes i just look at the mess around me and know i don't like it to be there whilst at the same time i just want to run away from all those expectations i have, that other people place on me - the rules of society and necessities of life that complete just SWAMP me every day and make me feel rooted to the place and unable to even pick a sock up on a bad day! more involved activities usually just frighten me stiff. but i just can't force myself any more. done that for a very long time but it results in bad headaches and worse. so i remain pretty useless.

my mum went to pieces after a divorce keeping me to look after my sisters and her when she was comatose and sick from alcolhol. so in my case, rebelling sounds about right to me! just wished i had done that a lot earlier. seems so pointless now as the only thing i'm rebelling against is in me. (if that makes sense, sorry, i don't find it easy to use words)

being married, in college, working full time sounds like a tall order to me - any one of them individually is certainly more than i can cope with. so i can't see how you being lazy would come in here!

CT,
I am so been there, done that for years, but I'm here to tell you there's hope on the other side!

I really related to what you said about your husband. My husband thought I was lazy for years and also was very frustrated with the state of our home (full disclosure in the interests of being fair to a very wonderful man: we both work full time and my husband definitely pulls his part of the load in terms of housework, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc. He does most of the cooking because he's really talented while I'm a mediocre cook.) Part of my problem is that my childhood home was immaculate. My mother cleaned the house from top to bottom every day. You have eaten off our floors and drank from out toilets. And it all felt like pretty wrapping paper over the ugly evil going on under the surface. You show me a magazine perfect house and I start looking around for the unnoticable horror going on. So I think I prefer some clutter because of that. The other side of this is that, I think, I want the outside to reflect the inside, there was never any congruency between the appearnace and reality when I was kid. So my life has often been a huge cluttered mess because that's what I felt like on the inside.

It's taken me a lot of years to get through this, but I will tell you that things are night and day in this area. Actually its that funny timing thing you run into when healing because my husband and I were just talking about it this weekend. We are both accomplishing so much more around the house and we have long term projects that have languished for years that are now moving steadily forward. My husband actually turned to me in a couples session recently and told me for the first time in our 22+ years of marriage that he was happy with the state of the house.

The big difference for me in my effectiveness came with establishing boundaries. So much of what I did or worked on was based on what I thought my husband wanted and I resented it and being told what to do (even though I was the one doing the telling really) so I self-sabatoged, very unconsciously. Now that I have better boundaries in place, the things I do are because I have chosen them and it makes a big difference. Also, and this is tough to explain, but I believe in my own effectiveness. I'm getting more done because I believe I can.

One thing that really helped me was my MIL moving in with us six years ago. (Wait, stay with me!) We had always gotten along well, but I was terrified that after living with me for a few months she would realize how lazy I really was (I bought into the myth too) and be so disappointed that her son had married a woman like that. Something happened that shocked me. After living with us for several months, she did turn to me one day in the car, but this is what she said "AG, I have no idea how you do what you do." Could have knocked me over with a feather. Here was a woman who lived with me, saw me every day, ate most of her meals with me and this was her opinion. It helped immensely in how I saw myself. Actually, that woman was one of the best cheerleaders I ever had. It was one of the reasons I loved her so dearly.

I am astounded at how much I have changed in this area. Don't get me wrong I can still be a slob with the best of them. And if there's a long list of stuff to get done I occassionally need prodding, but I've actually gotten to the point that I'm almost reliable.

You'll find as you work through your stuff, the outside behaviors will also get better.

AG

your mother in law sounds good to have around ag, but this in particular is food for thought:

quote:

Now that I have better boundaries in place, the things I do are because I have chosen them and it makes a big difference

i don't usually feel i have a choice other than a blanket 'no' and that's been years in the making. anything yes seems to invite trouble. i guess boundaries are all about the no's in your life???

perhaps i could start with picking up right socks and leaving the left ones

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
By the nature of things, I think a lot of us here have some emotional regulation issues. But I also have very poor self regulation in every day life. I am very inconsistent and unstable; often feel like I can't manage simple things as well as I can more important issues in life. I have to set reminders in my phone to prompt me to change the kitty litter and do laundry, and just don't seem to be able to manage anything that requires some sort of regular upkeep!

Hey CT, I just came across this!! Boy do I ever have this problem!! Let's just say my son has gone several days at school without lunch because I forgot to program my alarm on my phone to bring it to him!! I am the school laughingstock! I have to work very hard at all things requiring self-regulation!!


whereami

Thanks for your response whereamI! I'm so sorry this is hard for you too. It sucks having to work so hard for the small things... especially when we know we are capable of the individual tasks themselves.

I do take some comfort, however, in something my t says; that I will have more energy as I continue to work through the things that exhaust me and occupy a lot of my emotional reserve.

Keep working!

-CT

CT, I feel like I have to work very very hard for the small things. Today is one of those days that I am reminded of how hard that can be. I feel like I have struggled for every drop of what I have gotten done; and see how much I just cant do. I like your T's take on it. . .I actually needed to hear that today.

WhereamI

Hi Ct,
This is my first time doing this so bear with me. I can relate to your story and I am not as busy as you are. For me- I have so much churning my insides, that it leaves little energy to get the little things done. I had taken a break from therapy- just went back yesterday, and now once again- abit more clear thinking- so I can tackle the stuff I ignored. Perhaps my activation level was lowered, Idk. Be gentle on yourself.
Pixie,HB

Hi Helle! Nice to meet you! I'm so glad you posted! It takes a lot of courage to jump in here and I'm so glad you did!

quote:

I have so much churning my insides, that it leaves little energy to get the little things done.

I think you said that perfectly! It's so true... processing/working through everything IS work but it just doesn't feel that way sometimes... it's hard to measure and even harder to be satisfied with on a daily basis.

quote:

I had taken a break from therapy- just went back yesterday

CONGRATULATIONS!!- I think... Therapy is such a mixed bag of struggle and success and PAIN and love that I never quite know what to say... hmm... how about I'm glad you are in a place where working on you is feasible and that you have the strength to do it!

quote:

Be gentle on yourself.

You too... in fact, I hope WE ALL can do that.

And WAI:

quote:

I like your T's take on it. . .I actually needed to hear that today.

Keep reading it if you need to! Do what you can... two steps forward and 5057340963845 steps back is STILL progress!

Later,
-CT