I see what you are saying, but to put things into a better perspective, it might help to ask yourself a question such as this:

1. Would I still feel "less than" if I enjoyed a private relationship (as a friend/relative) of T, but still couldn't have the same kind of access to him as his wife/children?

Boundaries are a part of *any* healthy relationship. Your T's wife and kids and friends may have greater access to him, but they still have to live with boundaries. Boundaries don't mean you are unworthy of love or attention. In fact, boundaries are a part of healthy love and attention. Your T keeps boundaries with you because he cares about you and sees you as worthy of protecting.

I've been doing lots of reading about attachment and the therapy relationship to get my head on straight about what this dynamic with my T is all about. Attachment Girl has a brilliant post on her blog about this very subject you've brought up called "Therapy Is Never Enough." So good. I know all these feelings about your T are extremely painful, but you're doing good work. Hang in there, (((Liese))).

I think it's a matter of believing that no one "makes" you feel a certain way and that we can't expect others to do what we want or to expect them to "make it better."

In a way it does require a strong sense of self. Being around someone, their beliefs, reactions, boundaries, thoughts, feelings may impact our feelings... But ultimately those feelings are OURS to deal with. If someone does something that I'm angry about, then I'm angry and I need to deal with it.

I'd be giving away my power if I believed someone "made" me feel that way - as if I am somehow a powerless victim of their actions like a small child growing up may feel (and where we may consequently be triggered to at times). It's also giving away my sense of self and power to believe that they must do something for me to feel better - that's simply not true. They are not responsible for my feeling better.

If my T does something that hurts my feelings - then my feelings are hurt but it's MY hurt, I own it... She didn't "make" me hurt, she doesn't own nor CONTROL me or my reactions. To repair my feelings I can discuss them, ask for change, use my resources... However it is not her responsibility to do anything to "make" it better. She doesn't own that, she can't own if I feel Better or not. I can USE her and her actions (an apology, or suggestion, or just listening) to help my feelings but... No one can make it so.

It's like how kids think they effect their parents. That I am a bad person and MADE my parents angry or MADE my parents hit me. Do I have control over their feelings or actions? No. And no one has control of mine, either. People can influence but ultimately... It does come down to a sense of self that can own it.

An example, not seeing my T as often has spun my ED out of control. T will not/cannot work with me, despite my knowing she has later appointments. Does this cause me to be angry? Yes. Is my anger or resulting ED her "fault"? No. My anger and ED issues are MY reactions, in response. So, since I'm angry and starving myself should I expect her to make time she doesn't have (or desire or what) for me? No. It's my problem to deal with MY feelings. This means I can ask for what I'd like, talk about it, get what I feel I need elsewhere, ask T for help regulating, reach out to friends or struggle or use other resources (good or bad). I'm not a victim of her... Meaning what she does or doesn't do is the only thing that works - it can't be,,, my T should not be codependent with me. Similarly, if someone is mad with me.,, say I don't work on a work project for them if they leave early and they become angry... Am I obligated to now do it for them? Is my doing it for them or not my responsibility to rescue them for being mad? Nope. I can change my behavior of I would like... But of what I am doing makes or breaks their entire emotional state? How did I get that much power?

What if someone doesn't agree with me about something and gets depressed? Should I change my opinion for them so they feel better?

Anyway, those are my thoughts from my own history, attachment stuff, etx.

(((AFFINITY)))

Thanks for the link. I need to take a look at that post of AG's. It's tough sorting through this stuff. I agree.

(((CAT)))

Thanks for your post. It was very helpful. I understand what you are saying. Watching my own kids, I can really see the dynamic of them and me at work.

My kids have their needs and I can either meet them or not. Regardless of the quality of our communication, if I don't meet their needs, it will hurt. If we actually have good communication, they will learn that it's not that I want to hurt them but can't meet their needs at that particular time due to some reason other than their self-worth.

In my family, however, we had NO communication so I came up with my own conclusions, probably based on how I was treated, in regards to not getting needs met = my worthlessness.

I can definitely see a sense of self-righteousness in my mother which is probably where I learned it. If she expected others to conform to her needs in order to make her feel good, then I suppose I must have learned the same thing. LOL! I hope it's that and not some horrible part of my personality that can't be changed.

I do feel a bit freer since I've owned my anger towards the therapy frame and stopped wanting T to do something about it. (Only in the last few minutes. LOL! I'm sure I will want him to do something about it tomorrow.) Working through that was hard because I'm not comfortable expressing my anger as I'm afraid T will abandon me and I like to protect what I think is T's image of himself as a good therapist. (That could come from a lifelong habit of protecting my brother and father from feeling bad about themselves.) On T's side, I'm not sure how well he accepts anger and/or how skilled he is at helping me work through the anger when it directed at him without getting somewhat defensive.

I'm so glad, though, that I've taken a deeper look at this. Thanks for your insightful comments and suggestions.

(((liese))) I am really impressed with how willing you are to self evaluate and take such a deep look at all sides of the therapy dynamic. I feel like I can relate to a lot of your feelings of having an invalidating family with no communication, and how painful and confusing that makes boundaries. When you said having a sense of worthiness makes you feel ok in the face of another's boundaries it caused me to have some self realizations.

I think families with no communication really do send the strong message that your worthiness is tied into whether your needs will be met or not. It sounds like you are making some great progress sorting all this out, I'm sorry it's so painful though

Those transient eurika moments!

Hope you are ok Liese

SB

(((AH)))(((SP)))(((SB)))

Thanks for your support and comments. I'm doing okay. Lots of pain but trying to understand it instead of reacting. I've realized how angry I am and have been because of my family's inability to talk and communicate, how angry I was when my father shut me up time and time again. It's very hard to be involved with T at this level of intimacy and have that same "frame" but NOT feel an incredibly amount of pain and still retain positive feelings about the relationship. I don't know how it will play out with T, how to negotiate the turn.

I know it's therapy and I know it's his boundaries and I know I sound like a broken record but the fact that he won't touch me in moments of intense pain is hard for me to understand and/or process in some kind of positive way on an emotional level.

I downloaded a book that was mentioned by Dr. Sue Elkind in her book. I'm trying NOT to get caught up in the anger of the author (a therapist) but do agree with many of the points he makes. That book is called:

Against Therapy: Emotional Tyranny and the Myth of Psychological Healing.

I do think that there are illusions that therapists themselves have about therapy and that contributes to the problem.

Liese))) I really appreciate all your wisdom pertaining to blame, boundaries, and when we have to take responsiblity for our own behavior and choices, it was very insightful, thank you

((((EME))))