I second everything AG said. It takes time, and a good relationship.

Are you still seeing a few Ts or have you found one/some that work? I think a consistent deep relationship is the key. Something over long term, someone THERE consistently. Since deeply trusting and accepting the deep connection I have with my T in our work together, I've seen myself with so much improvement in my worth.

(((Liese))) I think AG is absolutely right. We're all born with a completely 'blank slate' as it were and any sense of self worth needs to come from outside. It's a bit like planting a seed; someone has to plant it and nurture it in the beginning until it develops a good strong root!

By the way, have a careful read of the first few words of your signature line

quote:

We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch

Maybe the answer to your question was there all along

Woo hoo

I just saw my T for the last time and I feel like a million bucks!

I asked my exT that today and his answer was self-affirmation. He said he didn't want me to become dependent on his approval. Ahaha. There u go. That was the problem all along.

I think it's more about partnering rather than being dependent on someone else to do it for us. I'm the end it is separation of self from other, self affirmation... Out self worth can't be owned by someone else for us forever!

I'm glad he is your exT now and I hope you can settle on the right number of right therapists, or 'the one' who can speak to your soul. It will get better.

((((AG))))(((((CAT))))(((((AV)))))

I've been on the run today and have to go to bed right now. But just wanted to let you know I'll come back tomorrow to reply. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring your replies. I really appreciated them very much.

((((AG))))

quote:

I once talked to my T about self-worth and how it needed to come from inside me so I wasn't dependent upon and reactive to other people's behaviors in terms of how I saw myself. And while he agreed that it's important to have a strong sense of who we are so that we are not reactive to other people, he also unequivocally told me that our sense of self-worth always come from outside of ourselves.

If you read above what my OldT said, you will know why I quoted this. What you wrote from your own experience really makes sense to me. It's only been recently that I've been able to look at how I get a sense my own worthlessness and worth from others. It's great to be able to stand back from that and try to understand what makes me react. Being that it's been a lifelong habit for me, I don't know what my new "reality" is going to look like. I don't really have a clue. But I suppose that will work itself out over time?

((((CAT))))

I think I was dependent upon him for a sense of my own worth for a very long time. But that's okay. I think I needed it. The deep trust in someone you know will be there for you makes a lot of sense.


((((AV))))

Wow, that really was a great catch!!! So observant of you. I did have the answer right there all along.

Thanks all for your thoughtful replies.

When I was outlining the reasons why I couldn't continue to see my T, I told him that it would hurt me rather than benefit me to see someone who has known me for 6 1/2 years and doesn't find me lovable. At that, he shook his head no, as if to agree that he doesn't find me lovable.

Since then, a part of me wanted to believe that he just said that to make it easier for me to leave BUT he has also told me he doesn't lie.

I just feel so sad tonight. How could anyone be a therapist and not love someone and yet continue to work with them? It's just so gross.

quote:

I told him that it would hurt me rather than benefit me to see someone who has known me for 6 1/2 years and doesn't find me lovable. At that, he shook his head no, as if to agree that he doesn't find me lovable.

Maybe he was shaking his head to say "no, he doesn't find you unlovable" or maybe just because you were saying something sad?

(((((AG)))))

quote:

So it can all simultaneously be true that your therapist does love you, is not capable of going with you where you need to go, that you have every right to see someone else and still have behaviors that need to be changed.

Allowing the situation to be across a spectrum, with shades of gray and nuances of truth means you don't have to tie yourself on knots trying to fit every square fact into a round hole.

That was really comforting. I like the thought that he both loved me but isn't capable of taking me where I need to go.

Until last night, I had been handling the termination well when I sent myself into a pit of despair and anger and hurt. I have such a hard time reading him and he often communicates nonverbally (head shake) and clearly I still insert negative stuff in there.

The splitting stuff you wrote about is really interesting and I very often do need to feel justified in taking action and in the process devalue the other person and/or what we had. I have to think about it more because it's such a mucky area for me. But I really appreciate what you wrote. It was thought-provoking and not clumsy at all.



I do have a related question but I think I will start another thread so it doesn't get all mixed up. I need a lot of help thinking it through.

P.S. As for my R therapist and the What About Bob comment, I see that my anxiety re: why she mentioned it had to do with how I think she sees me (like Bob?) and an attempt to control (albeit fruitlessly) how she sees me. Honestly, I have no idea why she brought up that movie in relation to me (although it IS curious) and don't want to waste my time (anymore) thinking about it. All I have to do is ask her when I see her.

(((AG)))

It was very helpful. When I am embroiled in that mucky place, I can only see the muck. An alternative explanation helps me to see beyond the muck and gives me hope that there IS another reality out there, a better, more stable, more compassionate reality.

Thanks!!!