After thrashing about for a bit in my anger, kind of out of nowhere I had the feeling that when I was a kid, I could sense my father's lack of self-confidence and his lack of inner-strength in terms of being an actual father.
What I mean by this is I could somehow sense that he was not a source of strength, warmth, confidence and/or love for himself and, by extension, for me.
I had no confidence that he felt good about himself, or sure about himself, and that bled over into his role of being a father. Not only were his fathering skills weak to begin with because he didn't really want to be a father, but his own lack of inner-strength was something that I can now see I picked up on in some way.
I'd like to ask if others here have sensed any similar kind of weakness in a parent, and if so, what your response to this was.
For me, I think my response was intense anger. Basically, I think I was saying, "I need you to be a source of strength, confidence, love and support for me, and in order to do that you need to feel that in yourself. But you don't feel that in yourself and I can see it, and now you're short-changing me, and I hate you for that."
After learning about my father's truly messed up childhood, his lack of strength makes sense. Among other things, his father was a BASTARD and a drunk who institutionalized his wife in an insane asylum...an event that my father witnessed. My dad also told me that when he told his father that we was graduating high school, his father said, "really? what grade are you in?"
But of course as a kid, this is all irrelevant.
I appreciate any stories.
Russ