Liese FOO stuff is really hard to sort through

When my mum got sick and then died during my teens, it tore the wider family apart. Gradually over time aunts, uncles and cousins who I'd seen regularly through my childhood became strangers. I probably got a birthday card for the first few years but they never called or asked how I was doing being a motherless 16 year old.

While I can reflect now there was an inherent selfish and narcissistic thread running through the family and none of the adults had any idea how to handle their own grief let alone mine, the abandonment and lack of support is a hurt that runs deep and is unforgivable for me at this stage.

When my dad died four years ago, I had a reasonable relationship with my brother and his wife. However when it came to sorting out my parents estate, things got very, very ugly. When we were growing up, my brother was sadistic and abusive towards me, and his wife is one of those people who comes across as being a selfless martyr but is incredibly manipulative and coercive when people don't do what she wants. Both of these dynamics came out in numerous ways and badly damaged the relationship.

Initially my bro and I went to counselling because he had a son who was born shortly after my dad died and I wanted to be a part of my nephews life. Gradually my bro and I repaired our relationship to a point where we could hang out, go to watch sport together etc.

Last year we were tying up some loose ends to do with my parents estate. A situation arose where my bro attempted to extort money from me at a time when I was on maternity leave and hence DH and I didn't have as much disposable cash floating around. When I explained what he was doing and how hurt and angry I was, he refused to take responsibility for his appalling conduct or offer any sort of apology and kept demanding money from me.

I knew deep down that my brother was not going to change his sadistic and somewhat sociopathic behaviour, that he didn't see me as an equal, had no respect for me and didn't care if he hurt me. So I sent him an email explaining that he was not to contact me moving forward because of his cruel and exploitative antics.

It's been hard because he has a 4 year old boy and an 18 month old girl and I miss them. But at the end of the day, I had to put the emotional well being of myself, DH and munchkin first. Sometimes history is so bad you can't put it aside to maintain the relationship in an altered
form. I knew my choice was to abandon and hurt my bro or abandon and hurt myself. I choose to look after myself because after everything I've been through growing up, I know I deserve some peace and happiness.

I was reading ur thread & haven't really thought of my family when it comes to my mental health but it certainly does influence it. Definitely.
I think my mom always had trouble w/depression but tried to hide it & never got help. My dad was the heavy in the family & when it came to physical punishments my mom closed her mouth & we knew not to ask for help from her.
When my molestation came out I was in college. My H which was my boyfriend worked thru the entire issue w/me. I had to tellnmy parents bec I couldn't live @ home anymore. I told them & 3 days later I moved into my future in laws house. They knew about it.
After I left I heard & saw the aftermath of what it did to my mom. She went into my bro old room & smashed everything & kind of went crazy. Now being a mom, I cant imagine how that news wouald make me feel knowing I let that happen under my own roof. I think id go crazy too. My dad was only interested in who I had told & was just disgusted that id told anyone since this was a "family matter." The subject was not brought up ever again.
In December last yr when I told my H about the rape & sexual abuse I went thru while again living under their roof my H was livid & I think wanted some justice. He so wanted me to tell my parents so they would know. I didn't see the point. The man who'd done this was long dead & my parents r pushing 80. What good would come of telling them this news besides to hurt them. My mom gets help for her depression & anxiety. I know the damage this news would cause. My dad is still the "head of the mafia" type father.
I live 3 hrs away from immediate family & its a blessing & curse. I miss a lot of things esp things id like my kids to be involved in or know their cousins better, but I alsonknow that my family is hurtful, judgemental & self serving. These past few yrs ive come to realize I love them all but they are no help to me in the mental area. I mean last yr when I was hospitalized my H told my family it was for ptsd & I was mad he said that. Only my sister whose 12 yrs older understood the diagnosis bec shes worked w/ VA's for 25 yrs. She asked me if something happened & I said yes but didn't wanto say anymore. She asked if it was someone she knew & I said yes. She said if I ever needed to talk she'd listen. Nice but that's a wolf in sheep's clothes trying to get info & use it in the future. Been there, done that. Why wouldn't ANYONE in my family look up the definition of ptsd? Ask me what happened? Care? I think bec they'd have to acknowledge we're not such a great close knit family as they all brag about. I hats that part.
Family does play a big part in all our healing & as green eyes said we might have to disconnect w/them to save ourselves. That's sad to say but I agree w/it too. Its nice to dream that our family is all "Norman Rockwell" but sometimes we get Norman Bates.

This weekend I cut off all ties with my siblings. My parents are dead so I didn't have to bother with that. It was very painful to do but in the long run I think it will be for the best. THey are so nasty to me it's not funny.

((((TURTLE)))

You made a difficult and courageous decision. It WILL be hard for sure but worth it in the long run. I haven't been so brave yet.