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22 replies

Seriously??????

seablueseablueMember
So apparently losing my T was not painful enough and the forces of the universe have decided I need a little more of a challenge.

My H left on Friday night (our anniversary) and we have decided to divorce. It really needed to end and has never really been great. He is not supportive *at all* of who I am as a person even, much less anything happening in my life, especially in the realm of mental health. He is a good person, but we are not and never have been good together...we value different things. He does not have an acceptance of me as a person and without that foundation, there is nothing.

I have been wanting to end it for a while and know that in the long run I will be and my kids will be better for it. Frowner

But....I am scared about what is to come. I have not worked in 9-10 years and have been unable to find a job in the last 6 months. He wants me to use his lawyer and to agree to what he wants on paper (give him sole custody and walk away with nothing) and then says he promises to make sure the kids and I are taken care of and I should trust him on that. Seriously?

The problem is that I have no money and no job so no way to pay a lawyer and I know I need one. And I know that if I demand my own lawyer, H will tell me I am wasting money and in turn harming our kids. Frowner I have started to check into resources in the area but don't have specific info yet. It is such a mess and I don't know if I am strong enough for this. I don't even want to get out of bed.


**looking up at the sky and asking "are you f-ing kidding me????"**
Original Post

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starfishstarfishMember
Oh seablue I am so sorry to hear of all this. Even if your relationship was not going anywhere, there is huge disruption and unrest at you splitting up I'm sure. And you have financial worries to boot, that is so difficult as you don't want to have to rely on H I guess any more than you have to. Can you get any sort of Legal Aid over there? I'm not sure how your system works, but yuou really need to get good advice right now. I think there are a few here on the OF that will know more than me.

But can I just say I am so sorry and send you a big strengthening hug. I t never rains I know, but keeep strong for yourself and your children, it will be worth it even though right now you probably can't see a way out of all this((((seablue)))

starfishy
J janedoeMember
((((((seablue)))))

I'm so sorry... Frowner


btw, I have worked for a legal clinic and in most divorces in most states, and if your H has been the sole provider, he has to pay for a lawyer for you if you want one (and might be good to get one, just so you have someone to advocate for you for what you need so you don't have to go through it all alone trying to advocate for yourself with his lawyer.) His lawyer should know this...

hang in there,
~ jd
yakusokuyakusokuMember
((((seablue)))) I am so sorry! I am in non-stop rush mode today, but saw this post on my phone I wanted to come quickly and lend my support. I think there are probably ways to get access to a free lawyer to help you through this process. You shouldn't be forced to accept whatever he wants just because he is the one who earned the money. Your contributions to the relationship were valuable and deserve recognition. It's not fair for a partner who chooses to do the work of being home to care for the household and kids to be at the mercy of the other partner just because their contributions can't be quantified with a monetary figure. ((((seablue)))) Keep checking in, please. Thinking of and praying for you.
seablueseablueMember
Starfish, stoppers, Irish Rose, Jane, STRM, yaku, monte, uv.....thank you so much!!

Right now I am holding on to every piece of support given to me and it truly feels like it is keeping me going......So ***thank you*** for helping me get out of bed for the sake of my children. It really really made a difference for me today.

I will be checking out legal services and learning as much as I can for the next few days. I have to focus on small daily goals because looking at the big picture is completely overwhelming.

UV, my H says he wants me to trust that he will give me money for the kids, but doesn't want anything on paper that I can come after him with. He wants custody so he doesn't have a court-ordered payment. Eeker

The small detail he is forgetting is that I have always been the one taking care of them. He loves them, but I am and always have been the one to provide their daily care.

H is actually very selfish. In fact, because he plays softball on Monday nights, he will be missing all of our son's baseball games that are also on Monday nights. Frowner Mad Frowner Mad

I will NEVER give him custody of my children!!
cnccncMember
(((HUGS))))

You have to have your own lawyer. You need to protect yourself, your ex is already trying to get out of his obligations.

I am not sure if he is required to get you one, but if you can't afford one at least demand mediation. It is often much cheaper then a lawyer and they are working with both partners, to make the agreement fair. Let him pay to have the terms that you agree upon together written up and taken to court.
A good mediator will know what is standard these days in terms of custody, support etc. The ones i have heard about also remind unreasonable partners that they are being unreasonable. I think you are entitled to alimony if he had been sole support for an extended time. If he wants a divorce that is fine, but he needs to look after the family too.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
seablue... I am so so sorry you are having to face this on top of everything else. What a terrible burden for you. I don't have much experience in this area so I will defer to others but I would say that you need your own lawyer. This is a must for you to protect yourself and your children. I'm sure there are some lawyers who do pro bono work in the area of divorce and they could help you. Maybe you could call some divorce lawyers in your area and ask if they do pro bono work and explain your predictament. Many have free consultations, at least for 10 minutes over the phone so it could not cost you anything.

I don't know your dh but I would say ... do NOT trust anything... get it in writing. If he wants to spend time with the kids he can get visitation not sole custody.

Hang in there seablue. Keep us posted. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Hugs
TN
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Seablue,
Your anger and frustration are very understandable, I am so sorry that you're handling this getting a divorce on top of losing your therapist. Neither one is a good thing to have happen and to have them happen both at once just seems so unfair.

I am glad to hear that you will not give up custody of your children (especially since your husband doesn't really sound like the kind of person you would wish to leave your kids with.) I want to agree with everyone else, that it is vitally important you get your own lawyer. I am not sure where you live, but I know in the US there is a lot of established case law, that if one spouse has stayed home to care for the home and children, they are owed alimony as well as child support, the understanding being that they have foregone advancing in their career and increasing their earnings in order to take care of the family and that needs to be recognized.

quote:
UV, my H says he wants me to trust that he will give me money for the kids, but doesn't want anything on paper that I can come after him with. He wants custody so he doesn't have a court-ordered payment.


I REALLY loved this one. So let me get this straight, your husband is saying "I don't trust you at all so I need you to trust me completely and leave yourself no legal recourse." I don't think so, doesn't work that way. Projecting much?

Please come here for all the support we can provide Seablue, I know that's its not the same as having flesh and blood people there, but we are all here for you just the same.

((((Seablue))))

AG
marshmarshMember
Oh Sea,

(((((((((Seablue))))))))
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Definately get your own attorney to protect your rights, and you can have it so stated that your husband also has to pay for your attorney. Don't sign anything without your attorney's approval. Good for you on not giving up rights and custody to your children!

Hang in there Sea!
beaglemumbeaglemumMember
((((Seablue))))
How are you doing? This is just terrible timing - whether it's a mutual decision or not! I really feel for you SB!! MUST agree with everyone's advice re a lawyer - PLEASE get your own and don't sign anything in the meantime!!

Do be gentle with yourself, concentrate on yourself and your kids and lean on us here!
Morgs xx
seablueseablueMember
Thank you for the kindness. Smiler It warms my heart.

I am doing better than I expected, however have not jumped the giant hurdle of telling the kids. That will be absolutely heartwrenching. Frowner And H is coming home to mow the lawn today. (VERY IMPORTANT side note: I CAN and would be more than happy to mow the lawn myself, however we only have this ridiculous riding mower that we HAD to, by the way, take a LOAN out to buy Mad, and I am not going to argue with the stupid machine. I wish we had a regular mower.) I am very nervous about him being here because he sounds like he is already changing his mind about the divorce and that will turn me into the bad guy as I am NOT having second thoughts. He also wants to stay overnight here tomorrow because of some things going on this weekend. I must stay strong but I do not want to hurt him. Frowner
I still have not met with any lawyers either. I have left voicemails for 2 and have not heard back from them. Frustrating.

Anyway, just wanted to update on what is happening.

I am still struggling WAY more with losing my lovely T than with losing him.
Thank again for the amazing support. Smiler
sea

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