More talk about today, and why bubby me needs constant physical comfort from adult me. She needs to know I can care for myself and not feel deprived.

I told him about my dream last night whereby mother was disrespectful, and degrading towards me. He thinks being emotionally deprived was pretty disrespectful and degrading in itself.

Cuppa and ciggie time before hypno gave me time to think alone. The more therapy validates my feelings about the past, the more vivid that past becomes, especially under hypno. Less anxiety permits an acceptance of truth.

Arial view from grandma's place again and no one was home, except for ma. Brain zoomed in on the outhouse/dunny/toilet. Next, I was dragging an emotionally dead mother to it. I looked closely into her eyes and searched for some understanding as to why I might feel so angry towards her. There was no insight what so ever, and no guilt. I let her speak, and all she could say was, " Do what you must. By the way it was all his ( my fathers) fault." Ma was always the martyr.

I dunked her several times in the 100 foot outhouse can. It seems I can get pretty disrespectful and degrading too. The can had a magnet at the bottom with Ma's name on it, so when I let her go she sank to the bottom rather quickly.

I walked alone around grandma's garden then and took in the view. I asked him to guess why I had to return to the outhouse. "To check up on the deed"? Nah, I went back to close the door on the stench Sir.

When it was all over, he asked me if I felt Ma was disposed of for good. I told him I didn’t know. That we would both find out when next we meet.