I told him a nasty prang on the free way would be holding up north bound traffic so he had plenty of time to put the kettle on prior to hypno.

Mothers mask like face confronted me again. I put my trusty lighter to use, and imagined it melting before my eyes. I was alone in a cold and empty house then. I imagined the abyss of space, and me floating towards a black brick wall that seemed impenetrable at first, until I grew stronger and smashed through it. Mother masks by the dozens flashed past in the opposite direction, hitting me, and causing me to flinch with revulsion from her touch. While I was in that darkness of space there was a sensation of travelling forward to an unknown destination. Finally, it ended with a burst of light. It reminded me of the space video to Elgars "Nimrod Enigma Variations."

More cutting and devouring scenarios played out in my mind, and all ended with Ma's disappearance.

Again there was only a sense of annoyance during these imaginings. I wasn’t aware I felt rage until I felt my muscles unwind and relax.

I remembered my dream about the lady, and worked out why I felt a sense of responsibility towards my mother at a very early age. She was my meal ticket. No way could I hold onto any angry fantasies about her.

He wonders why my father remained a threat to me when I was an infant. I sensed his dependence on Ma, and the competition he was up against with his kids. We knew about that anger, but this was different. Driving home I thought about it and think I know the answer.

As an infant, I sensed my fathers hostility towards Ma, and it threatened me. I didn’t want him to destroy my meal ticket.

I sensed mothers only emotion was anger. Everything else about her was robotic. I wondered if she turned a key to wind herself up every morning.

I feel as though I have spent my entire life on the dark side of the moon, between the earth and the sun. I sense warmth and light awaits. There is no sense of real time in this shadowy ice 'shelter'.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhnMd1Jl7SA



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibwxzxER_pY