I lay in bed thinking all night long and ended up having a pretend session with T.

When S told me you weren't responding I became enraged. I wanted a session. I wanted you there for me, not me there for you. You demanded so much from me. You demanded I give to you when I was in so much need myself.

I rejected you.
Yes Sir. In your unconscious state you triggered my rage because you could no longer help me. I was invisible to you. I no longer mattered to you. I didn’t exist.

Who was I then?
Ma.

Why did you feel enraged?
Because she/you rejected me.

And?
All I could do was think about me, and if I could survive without her/you Sir.
I was terrified of crashing, and not coping. I wondered if I could carry on without her/you Sir.

What was your need?
To survive.

How did you show that need?
By becoming enraged Sir.


What set off that need ?
The Cease To Exist Mechanism.

What was your threat to survival?
No you/No Ma. No me.

Where are you now?
Sitting in my chair with a cuppa Sir, and feeling safe.

And what of love?
I am not sure Sir. I feel it from people thousands of miles away.
I felt it from S when he gave me a hug. And I want to believe I felt it from you Sir.

How does that make you feel?
Kinda happy sad Sir.

m!