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AH, just wow 
thats was some good work there in and with your T, way to go !!! Keep us posted on the Labradoodle front we have a soft spot for animals in therapy sessions
thats was some good work there in and with your T, way to go !!! Keep us posted on the Labradoodle front we have a soft spot for animals in therapy sessions
((AH))This is such fantastic work you have done, it is really exciting. Your T is so excited about your progress, and you need to really give yourself a lot of praise for this major step forward. Wow, your T sounds awesome, and I am so happy for you. Keep us informed of your progress.
Your work is so impressive, you go through so much, and don't give up, and I am so happy your T can also respond to it, because it is so important and big steps! I wish my T had a cat (I am not a dog person^^), and tell us about the Labradoodle 
OMG I am so happy to read this AH!!! YAY!! I am so relieved. AH You are about the sweetest person I have met here and you have been treated so badly by that old T. It broke my heart. I am so glad she heard you and supported you!!! You get some rest now. Thinking of you girl
That is heavenly fantastic about your session
Oh, what a good session. I'm really glad for you AH.
SB
SB
i'm really happy for you AH! you did so well and your T wasnt too bad either 
oooh, and a puppy..now i'm jealous! 
hope you can take it easy now and look after yourself
puppet
oooh, and a puppy..now i'm jealous! hope you can take it easy now and look after yourself
puppet
AH, That's wonderful!!!
Wow, AH. Sounds like you did some good, hard work. You can be very proud of yourself.
Good for you AH!! I think you found the right fit.
AH that sounds like a ground breaking session. You worked very hard and no wonder you were exhausted. This is one of the reasons my T won't go past 45-50 minutes with a patient. He feels the work is exhausting and he wants to titrate the trauma.
There are a few things you mentioned that stand out to me. One is how your Dad told you he loved you while abusing you. Talk about mixed messages to give a child. My mom would do that too. She would be hitting me while telling me she loved me and that this was for my benefit. She was just "teaching" me how to behave. How screwed up is that? So I understand how hard it is to slog through all those old messages. One thing I DO know is that you are not evil at all. You are good, smart, caring, sensitive and sweet. I can tell from what you write about your feelings and your behavior. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong in what was DONE to you. You are not at fault. You will begin to feel and see things differently after you have been with a healthy T for awhile. You will stop blaming yourself. There is nothing wrong with YOU.
AH I am horrified at your exT's behavior in keeping you there so long to "process" trauma and being so rough with you. I doubt he had the first damn clue about processing trauma or how to work with a trauma survivor. What an idiot. And then having to keep you there even longer to put you back together again after what HE did to you?!! What an idiot. I hope your new T reports him or has him reprimanded. That is the LEAST of what should happen to him. He was an incompetent, narcissistic jerk. I know this because my oldT behaved in a similar way. Allowing me to get flooded and then sending me out into the world totally uncontained and dissociated. Then telling me I had too much serious trauma and needed a specialist. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am glad you walked out on him.
I also worried about any notes or clinical summary that my oldT would send to my current T. I made my new T promised and swear I could read anything old T sent before he read it. I had NO idea what he would say to my new T. I really had no need to worry because my current T said that he knew me and who I was and saw with his own eyes the damage oldT did and there was NOTHING he could say or write that would ever change my T's mind about me and what happened. As it turned out oldT wrote a 2 paragraph letter which was supposed to be clinical but was very stupid and made no sense and said nothing. My T said it was not worth the paper it was printed on. Then one year later we finally got his clinical notes on me... what a joke. He made them all up AFTER the fact. It took him 9 weeks to "re-create" my "notes". Thing is... they were ALL wrong. You see I kept a journal of each session and when I tried to match things up they didn't match. I could see he tried to go back and take things from my old emails to make it sound like he really had notes on me. He missed things like the day my mom died, when my son was injured by a baseball bat, when I told him each HUGE trauma. All important stuff was not even alluded to. My T glanced at them and said he didn't need anyone else (especially an incompetent idiot.... my T is very blunt) to tell him about me or who I am. He had his own opinion and that was what he trusted. I love him for that.
Anyway, good for you and I hope you get to meet T's dog soon. And I hope my sharing my own stuff will somehow help you.
Hugs
TN
There are a few things you mentioned that stand out to me. One is how your Dad told you he loved you while abusing you. Talk about mixed messages to give a child. My mom would do that too. She would be hitting me while telling me she loved me and that this was for my benefit. She was just "teaching" me how to behave. How screwed up is that? So I understand how hard it is to slog through all those old messages. One thing I DO know is that you are not evil at all. You are good, smart, caring, sensitive and sweet. I can tell from what you write about your feelings and your behavior. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong in what was DONE to you. You are not at fault. You will begin to feel and see things differently after you have been with a healthy T for awhile. You will stop blaming yourself. There is nothing wrong with YOU.
AH I am horrified at your exT's behavior in keeping you there so long to "process" trauma and being so rough with you. I doubt he had the first damn clue about processing trauma or how to work with a trauma survivor. What an idiot. And then having to keep you there even longer to put you back together again after what HE did to you?!! What an idiot. I hope your new T reports him or has him reprimanded. That is the LEAST of what should happen to him. He was an incompetent, narcissistic jerk. I know this because my oldT behaved in a similar way. Allowing me to get flooded and then sending me out into the world totally uncontained and dissociated. Then telling me I had too much serious trauma and needed a specialist. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am glad you walked out on him.
I also worried about any notes or clinical summary that my oldT would send to my current T. I made my new T promised and swear I could read anything old T sent before he read it. I had NO idea what he would say to my new T. I really had no need to worry because my current T said that he knew me and who I was and saw with his own eyes the damage oldT did and there was NOTHING he could say or write that would ever change my T's mind about me and what happened. As it turned out oldT wrote a 2 paragraph letter which was supposed to be clinical but was very stupid and made no sense and said nothing. My T said it was not worth the paper it was printed on. Then one year later we finally got his clinical notes on me... what a joke. He made them all up AFTER the fact. It took him 9 weeks to "re-create" my "notes". Thing is... they were ALL wrong. You see I kept a journal of each session and when I tried to match things up they didn't match. I could see he tried to go back and take things from my old emails to make it sound like he really had notes on me. He missed things like the day my mom died, when my son was injured by a baseball bat, when I told him each HUGE trauma. All important stuff was not even alluded to. My T glanced at them and said he didn't need anyone else (especially an incompetent idiot.... my T is very blunt
) to tell him about me or who I am. He had his own opinion and that was what he trusted. I love him for that.Anyway, good for you and I hope you get to meet T's dog soon. And I hope my sharing my own stuff will somehow help you.
Hugs
TN
I just wanted to check in to let you all know I read your replies and they mean so much to me, thank you so much!!!
I will be back to do individual responses, because I have so much to say. I'm in a very fatigued place at the moment today, it feels like my head is broken. Everything in way of deep thought beyond the very essentials of making through the day is pretty overwhelming...
But anyway as I said I will be back soon to thank each of you in detail, just wanted you to know you are appreciated.
Going back in my shell for a bit...
I will be back to do individual responses, because I have so much to say. I'm in a very fatigued place at the moment today, it feels like my head is broken. Everything in way of deep thought beyond the very essentials of making through the day is pretty overwhelming...
But anyway as I said I will be back soon to thank each of you in detail, just wanted you to know you are appreciated.
Going back in my shell for a bit...
Ok, I'm back... once I started my wheels turning a little I couldn't shut down again afterall
((((pingles)))) ((((eme)))) ((((about)))) ((((turtle)))) ((((SD)))) (((S-B)))) ((((SP))))((((puppet)))) ((((athenacus)))) ((((saka)))) ((((chezza)))) ((((becca)))) ((((draggers)))) thank you so much for all the support I'm so thankful for each of your best wishes and kind words and hugs. I'm thankful that telling about how it went was meaningful and hopefully helpful to read, it was really hard to leave up, I feel a lot of shame and grief. But I'm hoping to be able to look back on it one day and see how important it is to push through the hard stuff. (turtles you are so very sweet yourself btw!) Will definitely keep an update on the doggy situation, I'm happy to see so many fellow animal lovers!! Hugs to each and every one of you, especially as I know there are many struggles you are each going through of your own, the fact that you took time to reach out to me means more than you know.
((((TN)))) Sending bit longer additional response to my comments above because had much to say in reply to your story. I'm so sorry you also got those mixed messages about love and it's meaning
it really does confuse things beyond belief as an adult, trying to sort those messages out. I so appreciate all of the beautiful things you wrote about me and how I'm not to blame for it.
I'm also very sad to hear of how your old T left you in such pain from his treatment of you, you deserve so much better, and I'm so glad your current T is providing that. It's funny how worrying about the last notes is a common reaction we had! I can not believe how ridiculous your T was in trying to cover his own butt with his notes!! That sounds so painful to go through seeing him re create them and miss all of the important things you shared
One thing I didn't put down was something else new T said about exT's notes, I asked her if she would tell me what they say when she goes through them. She said I have full legal right to see anything they say, but she feels a need to protect me because reading them will likely only cause me pain, whether he said things that were good, bad or indifferent. I tend to agree with her in this case, that no matter what he wrote I'm most likely going to just have a bad reaction and no real positive outcome from knowing. I'm thankful she's being protective of me over it.
I'm always glad to hear what you share of your story, it really helps me not feel so alone in this and gives me a lot of good perspective, thank you
Thank you again to all
I am going back for my next session tomorrow. We are a bit off from Thursdays from the weather, and now Tuesdays should be our permanent day. It's a little hard going from a Friday to Tuesday appointment, not as much down time as normal, so I might be taking it a bit easy tomorrow's session!
((((pingles)))) ((((eme)))) ((((about)))) ((((turtle)))) ((((SD)))) (((S-B)))) ((((SP))))((((puppet)))) ((((athenacus)))) ((((saka)))) ((((chezza)))) ((((becca)))) ((((draggers)))) thank you so much for all the support
I'm so thankful for each of your best wishes and kind words and hugs. I'm thankful that telling about how it went was meaningful and hopefully helpful to read, it was really hard to leave up, I feel a lot of shame and grief. But I'm hoping to be able to look back on it one day and see how important it is to push through the hard stuff. (turtles you are so very sweet yourself btw!) Will definitely keep an update on the doggy situation, I'm happy to see so many fellow animal lovers!! Hugs to each and every one of you, especially as I know there are many struggles you are each going through of your own, the fact that you took time to reach out to me means more than you know. ((((TN)))) Sending bit longer additional response to my comments above because had much to say in reply to your story. I'm so sorry you also got those mixed messages about love and it's meaning
it really does confuse things beyond belief as an adult, trying to sort those messages out. I so appreciate all of the beautiful things you wrote about me and how I'm not to blame for it.I'm also very sad to hear of how your old T left you in such pain from his treatment of you, you deserve so much better, and I'm so glad your current T is providing that. It's funny how worrying about the last notes is a common reaction we had! I can not believe how ridiculous your T was in trying to cover his own butt with his notes!! That sounds so painful to go through seeing him re create them and miss all of the important things you shared
One thing I didn't put down was something else new T said about exT's notes, I asked her if she would tell me what they say when she goes through them. She said I have full legal right to see anything they say, but she feels a need to protect me because reading them will likely only cause me pain, whether he said things that were good, bad or indifferent. I tend to agree with her in this case, that no matter what he wrote I'm most likely going to just have a bad reaction and no real positive outcome from knowing. I'm thankful she's being protective of me over it.
I'm always glad to hear what you share of your story, it really helps me not feel so alone in this and gives me a lot of good perspective, thank you
Thank you again to all
I am going back for my next session tomorrow. We are a bit off from Thursdays from the weather, and now Tuesdays should be our permanent day. It's a little hard going from a Friday to Tuesday appointment, not as much down time as normal, so I might be taking it a bit easy tomorrow's session!