I wanted to write about my session with T today but first I wanted to ask if any of you have ever asked your T to color with you, to read you a story or to play a board game??
I know some of you, (thinking of Yaku here) have done the coloring or drawing. I guess it would be helpful to know how you handled this and went about it. Did you color on the floor or a table? Did you play a board game? How did that go? Did you ask T to read a story and who picked it and can you give some suggestions for a children's story that is not too long?? I would appreciate hearing of any experiences in this area. I am thinking it would be a way to get to that inner kid that is so scared of T and who he wants to meet and reach to integrate. The problem is that I'm so angry from her she is sort of split off from the rest of me and I try to make believe she does not exist. The problem is that she is my emotional personality and she takes over and has me doing things that are not healthy. Yet she is the one who holds the pain and the early trauma... and even the trauma from oldT. Part of why she is so scared of T now... history is not good with T's.
So... today. When I got there his door was open and he was out so I went in and made myself comfortable. Got my blanket, checked that my candle was on and closed the blind on the far window that he has me close. He closes the other two and he never forgets, bless him. Then I sat to wait for him. He came in and we made some small talk for a minute and then he asked me where I wanted to start today.
I told him I wanted/needed to go back to our session on thursday because it was so intense. I talked about how angry I was that oldT got those credits w/o staying for the class. And then we spoke about how I felt seeing him again suddenly. It still hurts that he ran away from me and that his actions had me feeling like I was some horrible monster that was too scary to talk to. Of course my T reminded me that it was HIS issues that sent him running from me not who I am. He said any other T would have come out and shook my hand said, nice to see you again, how are you? are you enjoying the seminar? See you around bye. Just the act of being cordial would have made things so much easier for all of us. But my T said he is obviously unraveling due to some issues that are his and not your fault. I think it was how he looked... like a homeless person... that had me so shocked. He did not look like a mentally balanced person. My T said he always lives up to what we believe about him... that he has serious issues. It's just hard now to rid myself of the image of him holding up his hand to me as if to say stay away and then running up the stairs. The previous last image was easier to live with when he left me with some kind words in my T's office in August. Was he lying then?
He also spoke about how he didn't understand why oldT couldn't appreciate what a great client I was. That I am the kind of patient they advertise for... smart, psychologically minded, kind, articulate and hard working. He said that I may be a bit challenging for a new T in that I know a lot but that a T with some experience would love having me for a patient. Of course, I squirm when he says anything good about me but I'm trying to look serious here.
We then went on to talk about the letter I gave him from inner kid. I told him that when I gave it to him he looked like I handed him diamonds. He said he was happy to get the letter. I asked him why. He said it was because it was the first time I really acknowledged the hurt inner kid and he was so pleased.
I told him Thursday was a really important session for me because I really felt his empathy. That his expression when he looked at me really touched me inside and I felt it. He smiled and looked up and I cracked "yes, that is the angels singing". He laughed and said "there really is a God...she is accusing me now of having empathy!" That was a good moment.
I then told him that I was afraid to let inner kid into the room because she is SO demanding and she wants so much that he will want to get rid of me. He said she has some needs that were never met and so she's needy. It's not a terrible thing. So I asked him if he really meant it when he said we could sit on the floor and color. He told me he never says anything he does not mean and why would I question that? I told him that it's because maybe he didn't realize what he said or that I somehow tricked him into agreeing to do that. He laughed and said that would not be possible. Then he looked at me and said, the problem may be in getting down and then getting back up again.
which I can totally relate to! He said it was easier in his 30's and in the 50's things get a bit tricky. I laughed because I was thinking of that and I told him maybe instead of the floor we could use a table. Then he asked me why I thought he wouldn't do that (the coloring) and I said... well because I don't know what I'm allowed to do in here and sometimes I think you are ..... rigid. He thought that was funny and then began to tell me the ways he was NOT rigid etc. Okay... well that is good to know. But I chickened out of asking for other things I'd like such as the story or a hug. That inner kid really wants a hug and that will be really hard to ask for. I do think he would realize it was a nurturing desire and nothing sexual or romantic.On the way out he shook my hand twice. Once when I got up and then again after I put my blanket away and was standing by the door. He looks at me so kindly when he shakes hands and most times in the past I could not take this in because I was so activated at leaving him. It's getting better these days. After he told me I did good work today he smiled and said "I really did love that letter". That made me so happy and took away any worry and shame I might be feeling about giving it to him. I wished him a good week and left.
It's so curious to me how my feelings of attachment and love for him have been building slowly and strongly over the past 13 months. It's so different from the way it was with oldT which was a fast and furious kind of attachment and love. This is slow and steady and built upon a strong, steady foundation that will bear the weight of my needs and the relationship. It's truly a better and healthier relationship than I had with oldT which was never steady or solid and kept rocking. Now that much of the intense trauma and grief have passed, I can see things much clearer and it feels really good.
Thanks for listening and I would be really appreciative to hear of any experiences regarding play in therapy.
Hugs
TN
, but I have found it is a really helpful thing to do. Maybe you are one step on from me TN, and the doing it in session will get easier in time for me too. Oh and T will sit on the chair, right next to me, on the floor - wherever it is right and feels safest for me....
) that he will think I'm silly and ridiculous for wanting to do that. I know I called him rigid in the session but that is not really the word I was looking for to describe how I think of him.... more like formal or traditional maybe. His office looks like a business office and is honestly sort of cold and austere, not homey like OldT's was. He is always dressed impeccably in business clothes and we do the same thing every session. So it's really really hard to imagine him being willing to do the child-like activities and not think it's plain crazy. Yet he took offense (in a nice way) when I called him rigid. I could just be that I don't know what he is happily willing to do and I won't know until I get past my fear of asking for what I think I need in that regard.
