Well, today was the session with my T before he leaves for vacation. I went there feeling really closed, scared and anxious. I wanted to cry and scream for him not to go and not to leave me but of course, I'm an adult and I don't do those kinds of things. It was the child that was feeling this way. The adult knows she will survive and it will be okay and he will come back to me.

I brought my throw so I could sit on the chair today. I was trying to be adult and not care about the chair and just detach from the emotions that were scaring me about his leaving me in the middle of working through some old traumatic material that is still unfinished. I had to email him on Tuesday night and then I got a response from him that upset me and I ended up calling him yesterday (Wednesday) afternoon so I could talk to him.

I had decided on Tuesday that I would ask him to write me a short affirmation or quote to hold me over until he got back. So not to ambush him with this I decided to email the request ahead of time. I also told him of my fears about both what we had been working on that would be left hanging and also my fears of him leaving me. He wrote back a lovely email calming my fears about that but then instead of telling me he would write the note he instead said we would pick out something from his office for me. Well most of the stuff in his office was given to him by other clients! I'm trying my best to ignore that fact that he even HAS other clients!!! Aside from this, it seemed like what happened with oldT all over again. I asked him for a note and he declined and told me to write one myself and then he tried to give me a transitional object that was actually something I gave to HIM. I didn't want my own gift back! And so I felt this terror that it was happening all over again with my T. I told him this on the phone and he told me that he suggested that because he wanted to do MORE for me than I asked for and he wanted to give me something meaningful to him. That helped to calm me down a little.

But I was still pretty frozen when I went in and I had a really hard time talking to him. He was so kind and nice about it. He smiled when he saw me and said, "I thought we would be sitting on the floor today!" I so wanted to do that. I told him that I decided I had to get over the chair stuff and be an adult. He asked me if those were TN's rules because they were not his. He said he'd much rather sit on the floor than sit with me in a chair that was making me so miserable. I told him how in the last session I wanted to cry because I didn't know where to sit and I just wanted to run out of there.

He said it makes him so sad to see me in fear of him and the office. He told me it's my home (which actually was nice to hear). He also said that rejecting him (which I was doing) was not going to help me get through his absence. It would be better to stay connected and to take in all of his care and his affection for me and his strength so I could have a good week. I told him even if I did take that in I dont know what to do with it. It feels so strange. He said that is good, it means that it's working. He said that it hurts him when I reject and abandon him. I said that if I admit he means something to me then... he will disappear... poof.... gone. He smiled and said that is the child talking. And with good reason. He knows it happened before but I didn't MAKE it happen, it was the other person's problem not me.

He told me again that my attachment to him is a precious gift that I give him and he would like me to relax about it. He said it makes him happy. He said that all that I have told him about this past traumatic attachment experience has only made him see me as a caring and kind person. Certainly not toxic or horrible. I told him he is not seeing me any longer as that mess I was when I walked in 17 months ago. He said thank God, thank God I was not the same as I was then. He said he has been looking forward to finally getting to know the woman behind that awful trauma. He said that what I shared with him has really helped him to get a clearer picture of me.

We then talked about the transitional object. He apologized for not remembering what happened with oldT denying me what I needed before his vacation and then abandoning me before he left. He looked at his bookshelf and said... there is something that you and I share... the love of books and reading... (And I thought he was going to give me a book to read) But he didn't. He said that there was something there that a old but good friend had given him. It was a wizard statue... he said his friends would tease him that he was a wizard. I told him his friends were correct he is a wizard! He smiled and said thank you. Then he reached up and took down the wizard and something else. He said "I added something to the wizard, something I bought for myself that means a lot to me and he showed me a small, extremely detailed pewter dragon. He said the dragon was an apprentice of the wizard. The dragon had a lot of power but it didn't know how to use it yet and he still needed the guidance of the wizard. That he was learning from the wizard about power. He said something about the wizard and the dragon being closely connected. Then he handed me the small dragon to keep for him while he was gone. He said it's very meaningful to him so he needs it back from me, so I HAVE to go back to see him when he returns. I looked at him and said ... so... you are the wizard and he smiled and I said so I am... and he smiled and just nodded yes. He made me cry through this. He really touched me inside. It was perfect. He is the wizard and I'm his apprentice! It was a lovely story and better than any note he could have given me. I thanked him and put the dragon in my purse. He is now in a soft velvet pouch I had so he will be safe until I can return him to my wizard.

He then told me where he was going. Two different places. He told me that he wants to hear from me via email at least once while he is gone. I said no. He gave me his stern look and said, he WANTED to hear from me once and just because he is away the relationship does not end. So I promised to send him an email. We shook hands twice and he walked me to the door. He also patted my shoulder which was nice. I told him to have a really nice vacation and a safe trip. It was SO hard to leave him. Gosh I am so darn attached to him. But the relationship is good. It's healthy and strong and he's safe. And I know he will come back and I will bring back the dragon when I see him. He really does know how to weave magic into pain and fear and turn it into something really lovely.

Thanks for reading
TN