1. Dissociation and safety.
2. Communication, boundaries and expectations.
Some SU stuff came up over the weekend, so I thought we would cover that too, but it ended up happening only generically under the safety topic.
First, T wanted to talk parts. He freaked me out by the way he introduced the topic. He said, "I have been noticing something in your journals and texts, and I think you are doing it intentionally," referring to my starting to refer to my separateness. I used to edit those sorts of things out, but have started to just be accepting that it's how I feel and try not to worry if that makes me crazy or if T thinks I'm some sort of liar. But, because he used the word "intentional" and later "on purpose," I heard, "Liar liar, pants on fire!" That's not what he meant though. This was a long conversation.
T asked: “Do you know the implications of that…” sense of multiple parts or states?
The word implication made me feel like he thought I was implying something, whereas I've just finally be totally 100% clear about what my experiences are like, rather than hedging. I felt like he thoguht I was trying to engineer a specific diagnosis. So, I gave a vague answer about knowing "a bit" about dissociation.
T asked about you guys on the forum: “Is there anyone else on the forum with these symptoms” and did I know their diagnosis?
I heard, of course, that he thought I was copying peoples' symptoms, which is actually ridiculous, because I started reporting a number of these things before I even found the forum. I told him I could relate to a lot of you guys and that there were people "all along the spectrum" as far as dissociation went. I refused to mention any specific diagnoses and told him I felt that was his job. He said, not really, that it was for us to collaborate on. I wanted him to just say, "Hey, I think you have such and such," whether that is DDNOS or just mild dissociation or whatever. Give your dang opinion...don't make me volunteer information. If I feel like I'm lying just telling you my symptoms, how am I going to react to feeling like I'm diagnosing myself? So, I basically refused to get specific.
It came out that I had a headache and he asked if that has been happening a lot.
I explained that it had, but didn't note that he should know that if he paid any attention to my texts since like January, when my attachment stuff started rearing its head. I asked if it was significant. I felt sneaky here (since I have been suspecting that for a while and I know some of you guys get them too), but I wanted HIM to answer a question rather than make me draw my own conclusions from my experience and research. He said something about how it can be related to ego-state switching. I explained that the current headache had started right when I entered a really detached state earlier in the day. He asked what it felt like to do that and I just explained that I went from being really upset to just not caring. He asked what I had been upset about, but I couldn't remember exactly, LOL. So I just listed a ton of things it might have been. He mentioned my text about anxiety over my session and I barely remembered sending it (to the point where I was checking my phone to see if he was full of it), but after he described how he thought I was feeling in paraphrase, it started to sound familiar and I dropped it.
T asked: “I asked you early on in our sessions if you were losing time…is that happening now?” and “Has anyone else, like H, noticed anything?”
I heard this as, "You hadn't reported this intensity of experience before, so you must be lying now," or him wanting "evidence" from other people to prove I wasn't lying. I told him about a few of the scarier experiences I've had lately. I also tried to explain which parts of the experience had always been noticeable (like blanking/zoning badly in general and chatter), but I think I did a bad job.
When I said I felt like I was lying or crazy and I kept projecting those thoughts onto him, he said: “It would never occur to me that you are lying. That’s not something I do.”
So, I heard: “A normal person would think you’re a big, fat liar, but I am SUPER-trust guy, able to leap BS in a single bound, so I believe you!” I told him that it was worse to think it was true than that I was making it up and he looked like he didn't get that, so I explained, "Well, if I'm making it up, then I'm really ashamed or guilty, but that's not as bad as..." and I couldn't finish, so T said, "being afraid it's true?" And it was such a relief that T understood how I was feeling.
He was very welcoming about the parts stuff overall. He mentioned some of the internal feedback I've been getting about certain kid parts/states wanting direct interaction and he said he finds that encouraging...I can't remember what he said about why, but it sounded like he wanted to be able to do that. I told him I didn't know what it would be like and it really freaked me out when that came up.
T said: "Well, there's no need to manufacture that," and something about things happening in their own time.
The manufacture line put me back into "you're lying!" projections. Also, extreme waves of grief and internal complaints that I could not verbalize to T about having lost their shot to interact with T, because I had rejected his welcome/invitation. I started feeling ridiculous and then had urges to draw all over myself with my pen where I was wanting to SI or leave the room and do stuff. The internal conflict was so overwhelming that I completely froze and retreated. It took me a few minutes before I could do more than explain that I was having an "uncontainable" experience. I started dashing (drawing little lines) in my notebook and was able to detach again. I wasn't able to tell T about it...too much resistance once it had passed.
Next, we talked about the overall sense that things were not safe and me needing a safe place. He said therapy is a bit safe for me, but also so triggering on connection issues that it can be very unsafe. He asked where I was at on seeing a P and I explained that I was waiting until after H's trip, but now that it was canceled, I planned on going soon. He said he thought that was a very good idea, that he wants to see things settle for me, that it was a very adult decision. He talked me through some of my fears and H's fears as well. So, I expect that he's going to follow up with me on this and make sure I get it taken care of. I'm starting to feel the reason he doesn't push and intervene so much with me is because of how much I've been controlled in my life and he thinks maybe that will be more triggering than the empathetic support he offers. Maybe not the right approach, but he has been confrontational with my H and I have heard him speaking very assertively with other clients (I can't hear his words, just tone of voice, from the lobby). He NEVER speaks to me like that, so I don't think it's that he doesn't know what he's doing, but senses he has to be careful? Because if he told me what to do, I would just do it. And if I felt pressured or manipulated or controlled I would start to turn him into mom instead of dad. I don't know. Maybe I'm just making excuses.
He asked about the forums and you guys some more and I was embarrassed, because I feel guilty, like I'm rebelling against an authority figure, by being here. However, he was really encouraging, asked about what sort of stuff I share, what things I found helpful (like being related to), etc. He was really interested, asked the name and I told him, so I said, "But no spying!" actually jokingly, because I know he wouldn't. He said he would absolutely never do anything like that which would invade my privacy and my right to have other safe places to go without asking my permission first. He said, maybe a while after we are done, like three years or something (umm...panic, will we be long done in three years?). I told him I wasn't sure I actually minded him checking it out, but didn't know how other people would feel about that and especially wasn't sure I was comfortable with him seeing what other people here thought about him. I tend to tell him everything I tell you guys, either eventually or at the same time...so I have less concern with him seeing my posts than I do with him seeing other peoples' reactions. I told him that I thought it would be great (if clients felt safe) that every T had access to the client side of the experience in such a way. I told him about the sensitive issues forum and also about the "say anything" thread and how most the stuff I put in there ends up getting told to him in one form or another eventually. He said that it probably helps others do the same. I said, "Well, sometimes it's just for venting," and he chuckled and said, "Dr._, you suck!!!" So, we laughed about it a bit.
He asked if we were doing our Friday call which made me freak out, because it sounded like the session was almost over. He explained that it probably felt fast, because my distress at the beginning made for a slow start. I told him that I was going to be angry at myself and he finished "for not bringing up certain things?" And I said yeah, stuff from my list that I really needed to deal with today. He explained that with the amount of distress I came in with made him feel it was better to wait on those things. Except, I really wanted to address the outside communication issues...but, since I only have two days to go, I think I can make it. I think it was a good call on his part to not let me get any more activated than I already was. The part that sucks is that him saying he didn't want me getting any more upset made me think, "OK, well, he's taking away my outside contact or going to discipline me." So, projecting horrible-ness for Friday's phone session.
He asked if we could pray and have a bit of time to wrap up. I gave my usual ambivalence about it, but ultimately said I knew it was necessary. He expressed understanding that it was "always" very hard for me to disconnect. We prayed and I completely blanked out from about five seconds in until...I'm not sure how long after he stopped praying. He asked me something that I didn't hear and then he asked me if he lost me and that caught my attention.
I'm not sure how we got on the topic, but he brought up again that it's hard to see me in so much pain. He compared it to a parent seeing their child in pain and "it" (he kept using "it" instead of he or she or they) feels so helpless, because the parent cannot make it better. It was so touching to hear that he has those sorts of thoughts toward me, but put me into another state shift, bad urges cycle like earlier. Little Yaku is aching to reach out and draw closer to T. It's hard to bear witness to her being held back. It's like how Boo gets sometimes when I drop her off with someone or at church and just runs up to me, clutches my leg and cries, "Up on Mommy!" over and over. That's what this kid wanted to do. My headache magnified badly here.
T gave me a bit of time to settle down and then reminded me we'll be talking Friday at 10:00 am. We finished up there and he said, "God bless," which I chuckled at, because I heard it as, "Yeah, f--- off now." He went almost exactly one hour, did a good job of holding the time boundary and not letting me leave too worked up.
I texted him once from the car saying how I was feeling and for him please not to do God stuff right now and let him know next time practical safety needs to be a topic. I went home and let T know that H will be coming next week, since his trip was cancelled. I've texted him once today just for connection, because something I journaled about the possibility of terminating freaked the kids out and they were asking to hear he was there. Still waiting on that. Then, asked about whether I need to mention anything else to potential P than meds and whether he is involved at all in the process (since my insurance covers a guy who works in his office). Waiting on that too, but not panicked about hearing back, because I specifically said I needed to hear back, so if I don't, I have the right to be mad and nag him, right?
Anyway, as long as I don't think about potentially having to leave him, I'm feeling in a pretty good place with T right now. I wish I would have looked at him a bit more (I probably spent maybe two minutes actually looking at him if you add up all my random glances). It would have made my projections so much less likely. But, the trade off is that I would have left in a mess of attachment feelings. So wiped today and a lot of floaty, headache-y moments, but doing...just OK. I feel like, if I could just get T on board with being a bit more direct and transparent, it may be worth the extra money and effort to make it work.
