Session length issue

amazonMember

I feel very hurt and angry at my therapist right now. I feel lost and helpless and confused.
I had different thoughts and feelings over it during the weekend.
My therapist (whom I love above all and the relationship was perfect and made me feel safe and strong and it really worked) announced that our sessions are going to last 50 minutes (not 60 as it was so far).
I feel hurt. I feel he has done damage to this relationship. I never thought he would make such a change. This is such a big deal for me.
I feel so angry and hurt. I feel that I hate him and part of me is convinced he doesn't deserve my trust anymore. He doesn't deserve to be my therapist anymore.

The thought of leaving him over this is unbearable but on the other hand I feel like I'm not able to express my anger. It is in me but I don't know what to do wth it. There is nothing I can do to make him feel my anger and feel how much it did hurt me. Part of me says that he is a crap therapist and I should leave him and that will be the only way to hurt him and show him how I feel.
Other part of me wants to work this out and see that this can get repaired and we could still be in this relationship and that it is perhaps not such a big issue.
Yet another part is just afraid and needy and doesn't want to get abanoned. Wants to ask questions and be assured that it is alright, that he will not leave me.
Any thoughts on this? Any opinions?
I have my session tomorrow and I think the best way to punish and hurt him would be not to show up at all. But that would hurt me so much more. My reason tells me that probably the way to deal with it is to go there and pour all my hatred and pain and anger at him, tell him how he failed me, how much of a failure is he. Keep hating him and try to punish him by being mean and nasty and be so till I'll feel it's enough.
I know that the other way would be to stop being his client. Just disappear and make him helpless, because he could do nothing to get me back. He would not get his 2 hours a week, get his fee paid. He would loose somebody he knows and likes probably as well. He would feel like he failed as a therapist. Would that not be a lovely revange?

2/20/112:06 PM

❤️ 0

Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

yakusokuMember

I think taking all your hurt and anger in there and being honest with it might break through to some good work. I'm sure your T has dealt with that before and will know how to be on the receiving end. I sometimes wonder if retribution even works on Ts (since they've probably seen it all before) or if it just ends up hurting us instead. The thing that popped into my head was to say that you were going to start paying him 1/6 less, but that is just me being vindictive. I would be very upset if my T changed the session length on me suddenly and I'd probably have the same fears you're having.

2/20/112:11 PM

❤️ 0

scaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator

Amazon,

I'm sorry that your T's decision to change the rules of therapy has upset you so much. It sounds like it has triggered something for you. Do you know what it is? From the outside it sounds like perhaps you are feeling unwanted and rejected and are reacting by wanting to leave him before he leaves you. I could be way off here so toss out anything that doesn't fit. Did your T explain his reasons for the change? Is he chronically running into the next session and thus he needs to build in some extra time? I think it is so important to go into your next session and tell your T how this has made you feel. He may not be able to change the end result, but he should be prepared to hear how this change makes you feel and how it is affecting your therapy. (((hugs)))

2/20/112:12 PM

❤️ 0

stoppersMember

This brings up the real power differential in the therapist/ client relationship. You get to choose whether to go or not and they get to set all the other parameters. And it feels awful when they change the boundaries, leaving you with only the hobson's choice of his way or the highway. It sounds awful. Did he give you any reason?

2/20/112:15 PM

❤️ 0

mad hatterMember

Hi Amazon, it's good to hear from you. I have wondered how you've been doing. When I read your post I could see that in your shoes I would be experiencing all the same thoughts and feelings. And I agree with what Stoppers said...

quote:
This brings up the real power differential in the therapist/ client relationship. You get to choose whether to go or not and they get to set all the other paremeters.

Isn't this why it stings so much? We trust them enough to get attached, to allow ourselves to need them so much, but in doing so we lose the only "weapon" or "power tool" that is ours, which is to leave. It stings because we feel like a victim with no say in what was just done to us, since to walk away hurts even more.

I think you at least need to verbalize your distress, because to be a silent victim is even worse. At the very least you need to feel heard. Maybe he needs a 10-minute break for his own sanity. But if he is worth his salt then IMO he owes an explanation why you should suddenly pay the same fee for only 83% of the former agreed-upon time. Sadly, at the end of the day he retains the power to say, "This is what I am now offering. Take it or leave it." And you will be in the unfortunate position of choosing between two distasteful options. Please let us know how it goes.

2/20/119:49 PM

❤️ 0

springreenMember

quote:
I know that the other way would be to stop being his client. Just disappear and make him helpless, because he could do nothing to get me back. He would not get his 2 hours a week, get his fee paid. He would loose somebody he knows and likes probably as well. He would feel like he failed as a therapist. Would that not be a lovely revange?

Calm down for a moment and think: what would be the realistic consequence of quitting? He would still be a licensed, successful therapist with multiple willing clients paying him. He would not be helpless at all. But you would lose a therapist that up until now you claimed you loved, one who made you feel safe and strong. One whom you've worked hard to build a relationship with.
I think you should definitely demand an explanation as to why he cut your session 10 minutes short. I also think you should explain how angry and hurt you feel over this change he has made. At the very least, you should listen to his explanation before terminating therapy.

quote:
My reason tells me that probably the way to deal with it is to go there and pour all my hatred and pain and anger at him, tell him how he failed me, how much of a failure is he. Keep hating him and try to punish him by being mean and nasty and be so till I'll feel it's enough.

Clearly you don't think he's a failure because up until now you loved him and said he made you feel strong. By ranting and raving about him being a failure, you are not punishing him - at the end of the day, you're essentially paying him to listen to you rant about something you don't believe in. Is that worth it?

2/20/1110:32 PM

❤️ 0

ladygreyMember

Is he cutting all of his sessions with all of his clients back to 50 mins?

My guess is that this has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with him and his needs. If he has not been leaving enough time between sessions, he could be feeling drained. Or perhaps he has developed a need to use the bathroom more often and needs those 10 minutes between sessions to use the restroom. The reasons for this change in time could be endless, but I honestly do not think it has anything to do with a desire on his part to see less of you or spend less time with you.

2/21/1112:17 AM

❤️ 0

amazonMember

Hi All,
thanks for reading and replying to my rant.
I've never been so pissed off with him before. I've never before felt this anger and hatred towards him.
I'm still angry with him and I'm going to try my best to punish him and hurt him for this.
I really don't know how his day is arranged. He told me that with everyone else he is having 50 min sessions and that this is convenient to arrange my sessions the same way. This hurt me the most. That the main reason he gave was his convenience even if he knew that this is going to hurt me. That's making me mad.

Springreen,
I would not be able to terminate. It seems that this is the only way I could gain some control over the situation, but that would just leave me in complete void. That would hurt so much, it would be destructive thing to do. I hate him for this but I can't quit. But I am going to keep ranting and raging over him being a failure, not good enough therapist and try to punish him and hurt him as this is all I have. I feel completely helpless. Like a child. I hate him right now and that's all I have for him at the moment.

MH, you still hanging in here? Hope you are doing well.
Of course I am free to leave. He wouldn't stop me. I hate him for that too.
As for the fee he is charging me half the full price. I don't know if this is going to stay that way forever. I told him that if he were to charge me full fee I wouldn't be able to come twice a week. I would have to come just once. He thinks I should keep coming twice a week. This is so fucking hard and I just hate him. This rant is going to last for few weeks... I'll hate him the best I can.

2/21/1112:27 PM

❤️ 0