(((Muff))

So, do you have to wait another week to see T until next Saturday?

I'm sorry it's so difficult......I know the past week has been really hard for you......after all that has happened with T. Ouch. Makes the dependence thing all that more difficult.

I hate the dependence thing too. Hate it. Loathe it.

Hang in there.

You know Blu, I wont forget this. He saved my life with this therapy, and last week, I saved his while he had 6 seizures. We are even! He now finds it necessary to send me a message via S. It only costs 50 cents to ring someone in this country.

I will always only ever be a patient to him, which is fine with me. It will make it that much easier to walk away from him in the end.

I dont think this is the wee one talking either. I just so fuking get it now. He was always only ever doing his job.

I'm black angry with him Blu, and have no where else to put that feeling except in here.

Cuppa?

I get it, Muff. I do.

It's ok to put the anger here if you need to.

Cuppa? Of course!

Anytime.

Now, where is my fuking life?
And that all goes back to her again.

You know Blu. You know.

I ask that same question every day!

It's a painful, angry question without an answer.

And you're right. It always does go back to her.
Her. And her life. Her life that casts a shadow on ours.

So why then? Why is it so fuking hard to step away from that?

I don't really feel like I'm of much help here but I do understand.

((Muff))

Its the kid that hasnt finished with her Blu. Its the kid that needs the therapist. Its the kid that needs to feel. There is no fuking dignity in feeling these needs, only shame.

It is shameful to feel like a child in an adults body. It feels like I have never been able to grow up. I am deprived of that too. I have no fuking control to stop everything and grow.

I was emotionally killed at birth, and no one except me has been imprisoned for that murder.

The perfect crime!


I shall leave the $ on top of the fridge Blu. BTW, how much do you charge for a session?

No $ is necessary.

It is in my signature quote:

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."

Ditto, I think.

I know the shame, the lack of dignity, the seemingly endless needs of the child.

To be emotionally killed at birth; and then held hostage for a crime you did not commit.

So well put into words, but so horribly painful to experience.

You are so much more than those feelings Muff!
You really are, and you have a valuable gift inside that comes thru.




Courage.

I 'see' you too Blu.

quote:

It is shameful to feel like a child in an adults body. It feels like I have never been able to grow up. I am deprived of that too. I have no fuking control to stop everything and grow

i'm really sorry you feel that way muff, because i know how frustrating it is and how powerless i am over it, and the desire to make life stop until i can catch up is relentless. i wish i could grow up emotionally, too. it's not fair.

quote:

I just so fuking get it now. He was always only ever doing his job.

Muff, this is an echo of what I have been going through and it is a truly terrible feeling, but the strength and intensity of the feeling does not mean it is true.

The boundaries make it really hard, if not impossible sometimes, to hang onto the reality of the relationship. It a horrible echo of what we suffered. /Hang in there I hope the feelings relent soon.

xx AG

quote:

It is shameful to feel like a child in an adults body. It feels like I have never been able to grow up. I am deprived of that too. I have no fuking control to stop everything and grow.

I am so there with you Muff

quote:

I just so fuking get it now. He was always only ever doing his job.

Just remember the love IS real. You buy their time but not their love. It however doesn't erase the excruciating reality that our parents just didn't love us enough.

It just feels like another betrayal to me; to 'wake up' and realize he is only a fuking DOCTOR, and always was.


What was, was never there.

Muff I know, truly, that it just feels like the betrayal you always KNEW would happen, I was there last night. It turned out it was my past reaching up to choke me. I am hoping that is also true for you. But I understand your anger and hurt.

quote:

It turned out it was my past reaching up to choke me

So dead on correct AG.

And so flipping painful. Feeling repeatedly "choked" has taken its toll......on many of us.

It stinks.

Sometimes the truth is just too much to bare, and yet it is what I have always wanted. I hear it now. I am wallowing in it.

i really don't want to rain on top of rain, but not only is the past reaching up to choke us, but the future is, too.(omg, i just had an epiphany as i type!... more later...) think about it: you have what is probably is less-than-stellar childhood with all kinds of betrayals and abandonments and missatunements (is that a real word?). in the future, what's going to happen? more abandonments by those you love and care about. truly, it IS too much to bear for anybody. it really is! but it's the human condition. we all have to deal with it (or not) ... those of us here ARE dealing with it, and i think that makes us pretty special.

so, my epiphany. it's probably not even a big deal, but it seemed like it 2 minutes ago: THAT is what all the talk of living in the presence means! i don't mean to discount what you're going through, muff, i really don't, and i really am sorry for what you're going through, and i think you do need to go through it. if i'm being super-insensitive somebody please tell me, okay? it's that yes, you did have a crappy childhood full of abandonments and abuses and every other kind of unimaginable mistreatment. and yes, the future holds that in store for you as well (i imagine that those with secure attachments may experience the thought of both the past and the future in a different light). we all know what is past, and we all know what is inevitable in the future. our goal, then, the only thing that makes 'sense' IS to live in the moment. to live life and experience life and have relationships and be here, in the now, and enjoy all that life gives to us right now, and not worry about all that other stuff.

muff, or anybody, if i'm being an a$$hole please tell me and i will remove this post. it seemed pertinent.

((((muff)))) i'm human and i do understand your pain, and i'm right along-side you trying to figure this shit out. i think it's good you're grieving now (i know it hurts, but grieving vs. burying those feelings is good). allow yourself to go through them, cuz that's good self-care.

i feel like i'm rambling so i'm signing off. i hear you, muff and i'm sorry for your pain. you'll come out stronger. as long as you work through it.

Having past pain in ones head is bound to effect our living in the minute CD.

I am not falling to bits over any of it now as once was the story. I am not sure what my future is CD. It certainly wont be as dark as my past.

i am glad to hear that you have hope. that's huge.

quote:

Having past pain in ones head is bound to effect our living in the minute CD.

This is quite true.......and we all live it daily in some way.

CD, I do not, nor have I ever thought you were being an a$$hole.....your post was pertinent and thought provoking, and I know you would not minimize the pain of anyone here.

I don't know what the future is either, but I won't let it be as dark as my past.

I called my T today. I seldom ask for help between sessions. She called right me right back. Somewhat of a miracle.

I let her have it. All of it, and a little more. Pretty sure I unloaded not only on my behalf, but the behalf of all of you as well.

...and you survived.

Are you up for another session with her Blu? Face to face?

You *know* we are so very proud of you.

(((Blu)))

Oh dear, you look like you need a strong cuppa now Blu.
Post stuff.

thanks blu! salted caramel eclair?

Anzac bicky one?

quote:

I called my T today. I seldom ask for help between sessions. She called right me right back. Somewhat of a miracle.

This is what happens when we obey the dreaded boundary's. When we *really* need them they are there, quick as a lizard drinking.

Australian NewZealand Army Cor.

Biscuits made for the soldiers in WW11. Hard as rocks and dry as a dead dingoes gangrenous b*lls.

The recipe has been improved somewhat over the years. Its just an ordinary tuff bicky ( for tuff people such as yerself) that has coconut mixed in. A good dunking bicky.

There you go Blu, have two with a hot cuppa.

quote:

Biscuits made for the soldiers in WW11. Hard as rocks and dry as a dead dingoes gangrenous b*lls.

OMG.....hilarious.

If it's dunkable and with coconut.....that sounds ok. Still like those lamingtons though.....and the salted caramel eclairs.

You can have anything yer mind wishes for Blu. Just imagine it, and there you are.

Its official Blu, your an Aussie in my eyes.


http://youtu.be/cohkaLM3AjQ



http://youtu.be/rjkrjYitgeA

(((Muff)))

Loved the song! Did not see the second link until now; so lovely!

I am very moved

thanks.

Snot rags/hankies/tissues are a must during citizenship.

Welcome Blu. You got any tea in yer Billy?

If you insist.

You again!

Me thinks Blu has popped down to the shop to get the chocs.

Well, I suppose seeing your an Aussie an all~ yeah, pull up a pew GE. Its gonna be Blu's welcoming to this here great land of ours.

A dry argument so far.

All's welcome. BYO booze though.

Drools.
Too early for a piss up Blu. 8AM.
Y'all go ahead though. I'll get the straws.

I do detect an Australian accent in you already Blu, or is it the Irish left overs?

Yes! I avoid it like the plague. Too many temptations there.

blu we have starbucks and then we have real coffee