Hi all--- I saw T today and won't see him again until next Tuesday because he is taking a long weekend. I usually see him on Monday and Thursday. I am very fortunate.

When I got there I noted that the wife's car was not there. That lessened my anxiety a bit. I tried to stay focused but had a little anxiety about my crisis phone call to T after Monday's session. A small voice reminded me that T would not be angry and would be happy to see me as he always tells me.

When I got to his office he was not there. He allows me to go in and get settled while he is out. Last time I noticed that my battery candle I gave him needed batteries so today I decided to replace them. Gotta keep the light burning.

T came in and thanked me for changing the batteries and we sat down and I began to talk about everyday stuff, my son, work, etc. Then all of a sudden I got quiet and felt some tears come up. T asked me where I was and why did I get so quiet. So I told him a little of some memories that came up regarding oldT and how that ended so badly. Then I looked at him and asked if he ever regretted taking me on as a patient. When I came to him almost 4 years ago,I was badly traumatized, and he said absolutely not. That actually it's been better than he originally thought. That he had only seen a shell of a person at the time and now he has come to really enjoy me, my intelligence and my personality and he also acknowledges that I've been a challenge but a good one and he would have it no other way.

Then he began to talk again about our relationship. We just mostly talked about how relationships work and how real ours is and why. He sort of backs me into a corner so I can't avoid knowing that what we have is real because there is no other way to answer the questions he asks. He is seriously good at that. He told me that NO ONE can ever take away this relationship and we will have it forever. He was so deadly serious today about that. He says that what I feel for him (even if I can't say it to him) is how he feels about me and he knows how I feel (he says I'm terrible about hiding it LOL).

I told him I was thinking that my overwhelming fears of his wife had now turned into a phobia of her. He nodded. Then he told me that with oldT, his wife was very strong and likely in charge there. He told me that there is no one in his office that is stronger than him. No one tells him what to do. So I told him that he thinks just me believing that we do have a relationship will cure my phobia of his wife and everything else. He said that without the relationship we cannot DO anything else. This comes first. He asked me if anyone else in my life has ever cared so unconditionally for me and if anyone ever protected me the way he does and could I depend on anyone else like I do with him? He understands that this is so foreign to me and so difficult to take in but I have to take that leap based on all the evidence I've seen.


At one point he told me that I have to stop thinking about us and stop analyzing it and just feel it. He asked me what good is a life preserver when you are drowning if you see it in front of you and think/know... oh yeah that is a life preserver. You have to grab it with both hands and hang onto it tightly. To FEEL it. He had been sitting pretty close to me most of the session (he purposely moved in closer than normal) and he was kinda moving away at that point because it was the end of the session (actually we were already over time) and I asked if he could come back closer and he did and I told him I just needed to hold his hands and put both of mine out for him and he put his out for me and we held hands for like 5 seconds. Can't do more than that ... too overwhelming. So he told me to remember that and asked how it felt. I said it felt good. It is a very powerful feeling for me when I hold his hand. I have done in twice before (in almost 4 years). I thought I would never get to that point with him. But while it feels good and powerful and intense it also causes me to dissociate. This is something that I think is important to talk about at some point but today we had no time. I crave the closeness to him while at the same time I am terrified of it. I want to get past the terror to be able to really take in the contact and staying present. I think this is key to moving forward. He reminded me to hold onto the moment and he teased me about coming back on Tuesday and asking him if he's mad at me that I asked him to take my hands. He said I did really good today.

He shook my hand and patted my arm and told me to have a good weekend and to not let all of this go. I won't see him until Tuesday which seems so far away right now.

Thanks for reading.
TN