It was a difficult session and I spent the first half feeling like T was fed up with me, my struggle to talk, my not trusting him, my avoidance of difficult emotions. T talked about a group program on Managing/Working with Difficult Emotions that might be a helpful adjunct therapy for me. I felt like he was giving up and trying to getrid of me and by the halfway point I asked him straight out if he wanted to quit. He responded no and that he wasn't the one who felt hopeless.
AS the session progressed I realized that besides feeling sad, abandoned, hopeless and afraid, I also felt angry. I was angry enough to tell him the truth about the fact that I felt like over the years we had talked about trying things in therapy to help me when I was extremely upset and he always agreed to try them but didn't suggest them later or he completing avoided the request. Like a few months ago when we were discussing handshakes (which we have at the end of the sessions and the sometimes at the beginning now) I asked if we could have an extended handshake while we were sitting almost like holding hands for 2-5 minutes like an exercise where we set a timer, I work on really being aware of holding his hand vs. shaking it at the end while I'm trying to pack up and leave his office quickly. He didn't respond either with a yes or a no or an invitation to discuss my feelings or ideas about it.
I told him I was trying to do therapy the way I thought he wanted (talking from the expected chairs in his office). He told me that he was willing to do different things (sit on the floor for example) if I asked him to or felt it was helpful. I said I thought while he said he was open to doing things difficult what he didn't say (and how he responded to my suggestions) felt to me like he was shutting the discussion down, which shut me down, which I can now see probably contributed to feeling hopeless about therapy.
This is from my email I sent him last night after the session.
quote:Part of me was surprised when you said that you thought I had spent the last 4-6 months feeling like I couldn't do therapy because I couldn't deal with the amount of pain that occurred afterwards. I feel like I have spent less time being overwhelmed with difficult emotions surrounding therapy. By that I mean that less sessions leave me overwhelmed overall but when I have been overwhelmed it has been as painful as ever, if you understand what I mean. Of course that feeling may be contributing to me belief that I can't talk about difficult things. I may have found it easier to tell you that I felt hopeless about therapy because I couldn't manage the painful feelings that arose rather than admit some of the other things that I expressed towards the end of the session. At times it might have been more honest to say I fell hopeless because I think you are avoiding trying things I think would help me and avoiding talking about them so I am trying to do this the way I think you want therapy to be and since I keep ending up feeling overwhelmed and being in pain then it must be my fault I can't deal with therapy. I also realize as I write this that I believe that part of the pain in therapy isn't coming from what I'm trying to discuss but from your reaction or non-reaction to me when I try to discuss things that I think will help me when I am struggling. Which explains that in the midst of feeling very sad and hopeless during the session tonight I also felt angry.
When I went to sleep last night I felt like the session had been productive and that we should talk more about boundaries and what was possible around touch and I spent time writing down my thoughts about it. I woke up this morning feeling more afraid than hopeful, like I had started the process that would lead to us stopping to work with each other. I am not sure why but suddenly I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and I stepped off without looking like a safe spot to land.