Hey, welcome to the forum.

In my opinion, its always good to be honest about pretty much all the feelings you have. I have told my therapist how I see her as being my girlfriend most of the time, all that transference stuff etc and it does help because it is material to work with, however hard and painful it can be.

It won't be pushing it too far because it is her duty to assume neutrality with it all and help you work out your innermost feelings and emotions. But this is just my opinion.

I talk about my therapy with my best friends. I think its because I have so much to say. I've had avoidant habits but I'm apparently BPD. For instance when I left my parents place, I didn't want to tell my mother neither my father where I lived. I was paranoid over it due to the control and domineering environment I used to live in. I now keep my location secret from my family. My mother thinks I live in a different city to the one I do!

I always feel reluctant to tell my family what I'm doing with my life. I keep it quite secret now. I feel its to do with needing space and freedoms where I didn't have it. It feels good to keep it to myself yet I'm lonely with it which is why I tell my therapist absolutely everything usually. I have a lot to say yet there are only specific people I want to say it to. My friends and therapist, not my family even though at the same time I crave approval in a childlike, dependent way.

Thanks Forgetmenot.
I know how you feel about not telling your family where you are. When I left home for college a long time ago I didn't tell mine where I was living, because of the rubbish upbringing and total emotional deprivation I suffered, for 15 years. Only when I hit rock bottom and had nowhere else to turn, did I get back in touch. I missed my sisters wedding and all sorts in that period. Nearly ten years on, they still haven't asked me a single question about those missing 15 years, and I'm not of a mind to tell them anything.

Hi

Nice to meet you.

I think it's vital you are able to keep what you say / work through in therapy private. I'm sure there is a way you can expalin to your wife why you need this, without her feeling insulted.

I'm single so don't have that exact problem - but it was quite a revelation to me to realise I didn't have to tell anybody else ANYTHING if I didn't want to Oh and UG - someone else looking up my t and telling me stuff about them?! Eeeuuwww I would NOT like that!

And I'm with FMN, think it's beneficial to talk through all your feelings with your t - she should be able to handle them! And help you work through it all.

Best of luck,
Serenity

I tell my SO nothing of what goes on in therapy. I have BPD and he thinks it is 'just depression' - so I don't want him to ever know about it or the things I do. I do tell him I have attachment disorder and explain the process that we have to go thru for me to attach and do past trauma work. That helps him get the longevity of my therapy.

SD

Hi avoidant,

I have had the problem where my H doesn't always want to talk about what goes on in his sessions, which I am naturally curious about, but don't push too hard. He usually forgets them within a day, so if I don't ask right away, he couldn't share even if he wanted. We share the same T and H's main issue affects me a lot, so I will ask how things are going. Or if something has been troubling him (has come up in our own conversations), I will ask if he got a chance to process it w T at all and if it helped. Mostly, this is me showing interest in him, the same way I ask about how work went. Partly, I know my stuff comes up in his sessions and while he and T have agreed not to discuss certain things (i.e. my treatment plan) without me there unless I give permission or it is an emergency for my safety and I'm incapable of participating, I still like to know what info T has or does not. Makes me feel safer. But, again, I don't push.

As for my own sessions, since the beginning, even though we were in a pretty bad place relationally from a major incident that caused both of us a ton of pain, I zealously disclosed what was going on in my therapy and my transference feelings to H. Does that mean I disclosed everything without consideration of H's feelings? No, I wait for the right timing and there are still a few things (mostly devestation over said incident) that I don't feel like we are ready to discuss right now, as I haven't worked enough through how I feel to really explain it to him and I know the topic causes him a lot of pain.

But, in general, I have consciously chosen to keep my H in on the loop with regards to my therapy, because the intimacy inherent in therapy could be a threat to my marriage if I didn't. Not that I would be "cheating" on my H with my T, but just that I would slowly become a person he didn't know well anymore, while T began to know me better than my own H. I explained to my T from the beginning my intentionality with doing this and he indicated he felt it was good, but also rather rare for someone to do that on their own. Some of it comes from self-moralizing to excess & a pathological need for honesty (I have a deep fear of lying or being manipulative that is trauma related) and revelation which can be damaging, especially with unsafe people. Some of it comes from my opinion that love is a choice you make, not a feeling you have, and that communication is paramount for building trust and true intimacy in relationships. Either way, the result is that I disclose a lot in general, except with my family or with others I feel VERY unsafe with. Even if I feel unsafe, I can often objectively override that feeling if I KNOW the person is safe and try long enough.

It has been especially important since touch was incorperated in my therapy for me to keep H apprised. It helps all three of us feel safe that whatever hugs and hand holding is going on has been disclosed and is for a clinical purpose relating to helping little parts feel safe when they have shared hard, scary stuff. One thing I do have trouble disclosing to H though is anything parts related. They pretty much only feel safe with T, so it can take weeks before I can update H on their experiences. I find for the most part, though, H does not feel the need for as much communication as I supply (or want from him). I think that could just be more to do with gender stuff, how we were raises, etc. There are a few things I may always hold back from...well, both T and H...but on the whole, I feel like sharing is best.

I hope none of this comes across as preachy. This is just how I do things and why. I think it's a good sign that your wife wants to know, although she also seems insecure (not without reason) and maybe pushes you a bit hard on it. If you can, try to see it as her trying to connect. I know what it's like when someone wants to connect and you just don't want that with them for the time being...but even if I can't want it, I try to appreciate the fact that they do. Also, you'd be surprised how much relationships can improve with communication if both parties are basically safe to one another. Maybe talk through with your T how you are feeling about your wife and this issue in particular? Perhaps she could have some insight.

Sorry if none of this helped. I know others here have more experience with erotic transference and that would probably be more helpful to you than my input.

quote:

Usually, insights I gained from the sessions, difficulties, questions I'm left with.

This has brought my husband and I closer as a couple. He's also in therapy, and he shares in a similar way. Not a blow-by-blow of the session, but more highlights.

Just realized I might have made it sound like I share every single moment of what happened, but it is more like I share the general feeling and really important realizations, what stuff I am still trying to figure out.

Hi avoidant,

I do not share well. I don't have an SO at the moment but imaginging I did I probably would not share much (about therapy, or anything I was thinking/feeling) so it would probably be something I'd actually be working on, but right now it isn't.

In relationships I think it is so good to keep communication open and let someone who loves and cares about you in to your life and yourself which includes how you're doing! I don't think every little detail is that important and... I know for me if someone wanted to know the play by play I'd probably get really defensive - but I'm sort of like that in life as is

I hope you do tell your T exactly what it is you feel about the hypothetical situation it will help her guide you in what areas to explore.

H and I had some unusual vows that we made when we got married. One of them was total honesty. Basically, unless someone's safety was is question (i.e. if someone was being abusive, etc.) we have agreed to complete transparency. If H wanted, he could ask for my email passwords and read every email I have ever written, and I could do the same for him. In practice, this never happens, but I find that the agreement itself creates a feeling of safety in a way.

Accordingly with that, I would try to answer truthfully any question H might have about my sessions. In practice he is less interested in them than I am, but we still discuss any major insights or anything that is particularly important. On my end I'm usually interested in details about H's sessions which he is less comfortable about sharing. Because he feels shy and awkward about it, I try not to ask too much, but he has been as open about it as he can seem to manage.

I think sharing what happens in therapy is a great way to strengthen your relationship, but only if your partner is actually safe. If you're going to get belittled or criticized for what you tell your S.O., I think it's better to keep it to yourself.

I will add that in the beginning of my relationship with H, I was much more reluctant to share things with him. However, because of the policy we adopted, I kept on trying to be open with him even when I felt embarrassed or afraid of his reaction. The fact that he kept on responding in a supportive way has made me feel a lot more comfortable sharing in general, so I think it's actually been quite therapeutic for me.

I tell my H very, very little about my sessions.

Usually when I come home from a session with T, he will ask me how it went or what we talked about, but I think he is asking more out of politeness and a desire to give me the opportunity to talk if I want than out of actual curiosity or strong interest. This makes me feel a bit relieved, because I can answer vaguely with something like, "Oh, we talked about anxiety," or "We talked about my relationship with my mom," or "It was really intense today, I'm feeling a bit drained," and that seems to satisfy him.

I don't think this is ideal, though. H and I both tend to be emotionally avoidant, and while in a way this makes the relationship easy, I think we'd be better off as individuals and as a couple if we worked for more emotional closeness/intimacy/honesty/vulnerability. As someone once said, life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

It's not like I don't tell him *anything* about therapy though. I will relate humorous moments, or the occasional insight, and sometimes just tell him random stuff about my T and attachment. I thought it was important for him to understand the attachment stuff a little so he wouldn't think I was just losing it if he noticed any signs of my obsession with T and therapy.

I want to work on being able to tell him more and to some extent I am working on it, although-- gracious, BLT, just reading about the level of transparency in your relationship with your H triggered a mild anxiety response in me. I think I have a long way to go. . .

I shared/share nothing regarding therapy - the feelings, the mails, what we spoke about, all the experiences I had - nothing. I'd come back and say I needed to be alone. Go to my room close the door, go for a drive, get out of the house whatever it took to be alone and not be asked questions. Does that make me a bad person? I know I felt/feel like I'm living a double life and I don't know how to change that, or if I should change that. Truth is I don't know how to talk about my feelings and I don't want to cause unnecessary hurt. It's probably not the right thing to do, but it seems to be the only thing I know how to do.

I share almost everything about therapy with my H. Or, did, till I started couples therapy this past December (not going right now) (with a new therapist) with my H and that M-T said I should stop talking as much and H should start talking more. So, I literally have stopped talking It has driven H batty....he says he misses me talking about it. He says he learns so much. (I never thought he cared!!!!) ANYWAY....I have never kept one secret....even a really really personal flashback thing that happened recently, but it ended up involving him, so I had to tell him (after 1-2 sessions with T about it)....he has loved me through it....and if he didn't, I'm not sure where I'd be today.

Our marriage has literally sucked for years (we're on year 12 now). H has hardly ever talked to me, which I have seen as the cause to our lost intimacy, very very early on. I tell my T all the time, "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS." I know I care about him, even love him, but almost just for his welfare, only, but because he doesn't share his most inner self with me, I feel shut out. He talks about nothing, not his family, feelings, work, hobbies, NOTHING. And H is sooooo out of touch with his feelings (M-T asked him when he stopped feeling (sometime in his childhood I guess)).

Anyway, I could probably go on and on. I know for me, I need H to be my best friend (the man I married), because when therapy is over, and it will be one day, I NEED him. And, I want him to need me. Our marriage therapist actually told us in our third session that we needed to re-parent each other (UGH - I think I have been doing that for the last 12 years and about 10 years in is when I said, "I GIVE UP, GO GET A THERAPIST!"). H smiled and said, "Oh, I've heard that term, her T is doing that with her."

I think each marriage is different and people want different things out of marriage. As long as the two people in the marriage want the same thing, than okay. But, if not, like my H and me, then it causes problems. I'm glad, actually, that after we separated last fall, H realized he did want to be married and decided to work on it with me. Things are going better.... Although, H isn't consistent with therapy, and now I'm thinking of taking a break from it myself due to separation anxiety and attachment with T getting in the way of therapy. We also need to try a new marriage-therapist, as I refuse to go back to the other one. I just never ever realized how much a childhood affects the adulthood....

Even though it was my H who got me started with my T, he never asks about it and I don't bring it up very often either, unless my T says something really weird (like telling me if I'm really "connected" to someone, not only is there eye contact but you also can match your breathing to theirs - and my H agreed that sounded hokey). My H jokes with me that he likes having me in therapy so I have someone to talk to so he doesn't have to. ~D.

I tell my H a fair amount. I leave out trauma details if we processed a trauma, but often if he asks I will give him an overview or the general idea of the trauma we worked with. I don't give a blow by blow either, but enough that he is included and we often discuss my therapy.

Avoidant,
I tend to err on the too-open side as a result of running from my once deceitful past. BUT... with regard to how much I tell my H about my sessions, etc - I'm very strategic. I see T for a variety of things - initially my eating disorder, then arachniphobia was added to the list after a breakdown about 5 months in, and now we're also covering boundaries (related to my past) and some more intimate boundary-related issues. And rejection issues. So of this cocktail of topics, I share things related primarily to just the ED and arachniphobia, with occasional things about boundaries. My T is very supportive of "what's said in here stays in here," and believes that sometimes the things that are said in therapy are so personal, so intimate, almost sacred, that we shouldn't feel obligated to share them with ANYONE, period.

So... I love my H dearly, value his support immensely, and share enough with him that he is involved to some degree, but certain things (like anything transference-related!) stay between me and T.


Starry

This weekend it has been extremely helpful to have H home after a week he was gone for work. It is nice he sort of 'gets' my transference feelings so I can vent to him about it, and when I'm suddenly shaking and crying he knows why. I have kept what I say to him real short, because when he worries about me, it just adds to his stress, which I don't want to do. And mostly I need time to myself to journal, think and cry, and he's more hands on around here with the kids.

One thing that is bad, is the trauma related flashback that happened in March...I can only talk to T about it in detail, so I think that is why I am pushing H away so hard right now, because his presence seems to make me more anxious, and then I don't know how to explain it. T asked if he knows, and he does, that it's a memory from my past, and he knows about the situation (he knew before we married) but no details or that it was actually a flashback. It makes it really difficult for me, because I feel I need T right when the anxiety hits (and can't have her) and I want to run like mad from H.

And I have been thinking, if my T was male, I think my feelings would be much different, both for my T and in what I'd be willing to share with H. Right now my T 'is' my sit-in mom to me, and that doesn't feel hard to talk to H about.