Last night I transcribed my entire session from the recording I have of it (T knows and encourages me to record the sessions). It was enlightening and so awful at the same time. I spoke for the first six minutes fairly easily about my daughter and the incredible triggering and stressful situation she is in. Then I spoke about having to do something with my second child and not having enough time to deal with either one appropriately. Then I started to say I was afraid I wasn't a good enough parent and before I could finish the sentence I stopped talking and starting crying. I know I felt ashamed of my parenting and my crying.

Then for the next 40 minutes, I cried and convered my face, first with my hands and then a blanket. T asked me 8 questions and made 2 statments. one statement was "I'd like it if you could rejoin me in the room" at the 30 minute mark and I said "I'can't". The second was "you told me a couple of weeks ago that if you covered your face it was guaranteed that you were feeling wrong and/or ashamed but I'm not sure what you are feeling so wrong, so ashamed about" I didn't say anything and then we went back to crying and silence. At the beginning the silences lasted for two or three minutes but later in the session they went on for five to seven minutes. I am not surprised I felt abandoned and alone.

T and I have discussed this before and I know he feels like he doesn't understand what particular aspect of what I have been discussing I am thinking about so he is unable to respond to me. In the past I have asked him to reassure me in general: that he and I are okay; that he isn't angry or frustrated or disgusted by me. Unfortunately he isn't comfortable with generalized "it's okay" statements and he feels like talking about anything specifically would be presuming that he knows what I am thinking and feeling. We've also talked about non-verbal reassurance such as touch or sitting closer to me but those are also things he isn't comfortable with when I am unable to talk. He is concerned (and there is certainly the risk) that I might find them frightening rather than comforting.

T has also told me that we are making progress in processing these feelings and occurrences because at the beginning of therapy I would take weeks or months to tell him what I was thinking and feeling during a session where I was silent and crying and now I usually can tell him the next day or during the next session. I agree it is an important improvement but I am not sure that being able to talk when I am in that hopeless, shut down state is the next step in improvement. I feel like it might be a completely different skill. I feel like we are both stuck. I keep explaining how I feel and what I wish he had done after these sessions. I promise myself that I won't stop talking anymore no matter what because I know he feels like he has no information but I can't control myself. I finally have to admit that. I think I am trying to do therapy while not getting so upset that I slip into that hopeless, silent, stuck place but that means I am constantly monitoring what I am saying or how upset I am and I don't think that can work. The things I need to work on are very painful and confusing to me and I never know when I will freeze. I also feel like T disappears at those times so I don't want to risk it.

I hate the idea of leaving my T but I am not sure what to try next.