I just wanted to post an update on how different this week has been since my session on Monday where T and I played a board game. We didn't talk much during the game because my T was concentrating so much on the game I didn't want to distract him. I play a lot of games and often have long and involved discussions during the game in a weird kind of parallel processing way that I hoped would help me talk about difficult things. It didn't in this session but I felt a lot better after the session anyway.

I think I might be starting to really trust that T is committed to working through this with me, like I believe if he is willing to try playing a game it means something different or more real. For the last couple of months almost all of my sessions have been painful and difficult and I usually feel frozen and stuck during them. I actually felt okay when I left almost relaxed and that feeling lasted after the session. I think yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn't have the urge to call my T. I also didn't have my usual anxiety before my session tonight.

After we played the game, I suggested we play something that T knew well so we could talk through it and my T said he might have to stick with Go Fish. So when I wrote him an email later I suggested a jigsaw puzzle so we could work on it but not have to take turns and follow rules. The session started by talking about a fight I had with my husband last night that I had emailed him about and then T asked me what was in the bag and I said a puzzle so he asked to see it and then I said I'm not sure how this would work because I'm not masochistic enough to want to start a puzzle every session and then break it down. So my T said what if we got a board to put it on and offered to store it in his office under a piece of furniture so we could slide it in and out to work on it. So we put it away and kept talking. In the end we spent almost the entire hour on the fight I had with my husband and didn't discuss the shameful stuff at all and he told me we weren't avoiding it and we would get back to it on Monday. Then as I packed up he asked if I wanted to leave the puzzle and he would work on a way to build it in his office. I don't think I've ever left anything there and I could have just brought it back next week but I agreed.

I'm sure this is a very boring and long update about nothing because I'm not sure I can convey how different I feel but I wanted to try and express it.