Session went from 8:25 to 10:00 pm last night. We talked about most of the dissociation stuff (what I could remember without actually reading my journal, which he hadn't seen yet, since I just sent it the night before). Midway through (which should have been the end, probably, but I refuse to look at the clock, because I am trusting him to manage the time however he likes), crying came up again. I let him know that it would probably never happen while sitting in the "standard" configuration. He asked if I wanted to move or if processing hard stuff so late would be too much. I let him know that processing late was never a good idea, but also that when I leave feeling un-connected, it is devastating to me afterward. So, after him trying three different wordings on making me feel OK about moving to the floor, he instead moved over to the chair that is near where he sits when he moves to the floor and said if/when I wanted to move down, he would do so as well...so I took a minute and then did. I was in the middle of the couch, instead of the far side that is closest to his office chair, probably to hide behind the evil table, because my dear notebook that I sketch/write in was lost and couldn't "protect" me from the stress. So, when he sat down, he was actually only like three feet away. I felt so connected and yet embarrassed by feeling so little while knowing intellectually I am an adult that I couldn't even look at where he was to take in how close we were.

We processed more dissociation stuff, some trauma sensations that accompanied them, and then I got too overwhelmed. He offered to pray about those feelings, but then made the mistake of mid-way through, praying about how it would be when I go, when I am in my car, when I am at home. I know he was trying to help here...he was paving my road home, but I felt pushed away as usual. I think I will actually just have ask him to stop doing that right at the end, because it is causing panic about anything God-related meaning, "Go away!" Then, he asked if he could move back to the chair and did. Then he asked if I was feeling stuck and I nodded (my head still in my arms), and he asked if I was sad, and I said, "Confused...about whether I'm supposed to leave now." He said it would be good, time-wise, if we began to wrap up.

I know he meant that just begin that process, but the combination of his prayer, his asking to move and his calling me "stuck," made me feel I had to run away before he pushed me out. I took a minute being stuck and then said, "OK, yeah, let's finish it." He asked if we should pray, and I said, brattishly, "You already did that!" and he gently said, "OK." I stood up, walked threw my tea (paper) cup in his trash unceremoniously, said, "OK, later!" and walked out, cursed in his lobby, had to stop in a stairwell to start crying, punched the railing a few times, texted him just "Sorry" for the way I left and then was stuck in my car dissociated for about 30 minutes before I drove home and just went to bed.

I woke up at 2:30 with a horrific nightmare that T took advantage of me. In the dream, I was amnesiac for it, but realized what had happened afterward and he was saying awful things that indicated he wished that it had happened in a way that benefited him more, then terminated me. I was awake for three hours. H tried to snuggle me, but I had to push him away. I was freaking out so bad, I actually texted him in the middle of the night for the first time ever (I'm pretty sure he said he turns his ringer off at night). I told him specifically that I was already going to God and not to suggest it, as I would feel shoved away. I suddenly got the idea (and shared) that we need to spend a whole session, ASAP, just focused on practicing connecting, being connected and disconnecting SAFELY and attending the emotions/sensations/perceived vs real boundaries together. I don't know HOW we will do it, but I feel very strongly it needs to be done for some reason.

I fell back asleep at around 5:30 for an hour and had two "corrective" therapy dreams. In the first one, I was in a class that T was teaching (he looked younger). We were all in our PJs. He started talking about abuse in childhood and the inner child and SI in some sort of interrelated way that I don't remember exactly. I started dissociating in the dream, barely able to stay conscious and when I looked at my feet, they were small, like a child's. Then, after class, I told him about the previous dream that had woken me up. In the dream, he took my hand, but just fingertips-to-fingertips (like at the first knuckle) and squeezed gently and ran his thumb across my hand and started reassuring me that nothing like that would ever happen. I started to cry and squeezed his hand tightly as he explained all the protections that were in place to keep me safe. Then, still in the dream, I told T that I felt even though I knew he would never hurt me like that, that someone inside was scared as we were getting closer and I needed to hear him say it directly, that he would be safe with me and he would never hurt me in that way. So, he said, "Yaku, I promise you that you are safe with me and I will never, ever hurt you in that way." Ugh, my transference feelings for him are so strong even when he is dream T and not real T.

So, then I had another dream where I went back to his office (which is always different in every single dream) to schedule something and I ended up in a teacher's lounge sort of room with him and the T he tried to refer me to before I met with him. He let me know he had to leave the state for some sort of education/licensing thing for a week and was sorry not to warn me ahead of time. I said, "Well, can we still text?" The other T was like, "Oh, you guys text? Does that help?" And I admitted, "Yeah, when he replies." And she got all motherly and said, "[T's first name], you don't reply to her consistently?" And they talked about that a bit. Then she said, "Well, you need to give her something to hold onto while you're gone!" She came over and tried to give me a Christmas ornament that was T's in the dream. When she approached me and tried to hand it to me, I felt like I was shrinking, like in the other dream, and I couldn't take it from her. Every time I tried to reach out, I would feel like I was suffocating. I cried out, "It's TOO HARD!" So, she backed off and said, "Oh, do you have issues with 'Mom'?" and I explained my Mom transference a bit. So then, T came over and offered me a giant stuffed reindeer (why is it Christmas in my dream?) with lights all over it. I told him there was no way I could take that home as H would definitely notice it and tease me for having something from T. So, then I talked to the female T about how I get mom-transference with my H and while I was talking to her, T slipped a pen into my hand. It had a verse from Psalms printed on it, but I don't remember which. I just received it naturally, as if it was nothing at all to take it. Then I woke up, feeling so close to T and yet so disconnected and really scared I'm going to lose the opportunity to process all this stuff inside if I don't see him in person.

So, I texted T this morning and put myself out there, asking if he had any appointments I could come to today, that I understood if not or if he didn't think it was a good idea and that I was trying to remember it was OK to ask and even if the answer was no, it didn't necessarily mean I was "too much." He affirmed my statement, and after a few texts, is giving me either 8:00 pm or 9:00 pm tonight. He said that boundary-wise, it means we will plan not to do Friday's phone session, but it will still be an option if I am not handling the week well. Knowing he had boundaries felt really safe/positive and really painful at the same time (reminder: I am T, not dad...I have a lot of people to take care of and can only give so much).

Now I am freaking about getting that need met. I have SO much I want to talk to him about (all this stuff I have written here), but I'm afraid I will blank and not be able to. Also, I'm not sure how to do the whole connecting/disconnecting mindfulness exercise I got inspired about. I thought of just doing different positions throughout the room and trying very hard to describe what they felt like, but it doesn't seem enough. I thought of also having him offer me items (like in my dream) from different positions and describe what it was like to try to receive them. I do know I need to tell him about how I don't feel I can even look at him when he is close by, like I am afraid to perceive his disgust at this full-grown woman who is acting like such a child. I am open to any ideas.

Anyway, sorry this is such a drive-by posting and probably way too much info. I am going to meet H at his work for lunch with Boo, since I will be taking time away from him tonight. Anyway, ((((hugs)))) and thanks for any support and ideas that come my way.