I'm trying to work this one out for myself because I feel that I have this kind of sexual pathology that doesn't quite fit right with the normal eye to eye view of sex.

There's nothing at all explicit in this. No triggers etc.

So basically for a little while now, I've noticed that sexuality for me is nothing to do with emotions. It's to do with power and seduction. It's nothing to do with malice or cruel intentions. For me its to do with a sense of protection as well as power.

Yesterday, I was thinking about T and there was a lot of sexual desire there. I wanted to hug and kiss her, to seduce and protect her.

One thing I know about myself is that I'm an expert at seeing people's vulnerabilities. They needn't mention it, I can see it in they're behaviour. I knew that T had gone through a lot in her life. She never mentioned it until last session when I was crying and she said 'I know what you've been through, I've been through it. It does get better'.

I know that T has been through a lot because she shows it in her bahaviour. I instantly spot stuff like this.

...and I'm a) confused about my feelings toward T because I'm a gay woman and I find T attractive and b) There is a likeness between us that I'm very intrigued by. She's read the books I have read. She thinks deeply. She analyzes. She's more of an introvert.

And though I don't want this to happen, I find myself attracted and compelled by her. I want to know more, more.

But a pathology I notice in myself is that with sex, I don't link it with emotions. It is to do with catching vulnerability and protection and power. I have this very annoying need that's come up recently with T in where I want to protect her and I'm not sure whether its because I spot what she is like and have a desire, a seemingly natural desire (though I know its not) to seduce and protect her by being quite egotistic.

I know that for me vulnerability is something I keep well locked down. I would feel ashamed and very small to expose myself, my body, to the person I love. Indeed I never have. It feels too intense, too scary and too intimidating.

With T, I'm compelled to play a power game, which is not the way therapy should go. I want to go into session, be confident, be clever, be smart, be with it, be strong in order to seduce her into my world.

It has happened a few of times before with other girls that I have been attracted to.

But in my lifetime, unfortunately, I've always got only so close and then they leave or nothing happens of it.

I'm not quite sure how to handle this.

Because for me, vulnerability and sexuality goes hand in hand and knowing that my T has been vulnerable and feels so strongly like she still can be really jolts it out of the loop for me. My attention becomes skewed. I want to do all in my power to seduce her sexually, egotistically and 'catch' her. Make her mine.

Yet I'm uncertain as to if I am actually attracted to her or not. I do find her very attractive and her behaviour even more so.

It's just confusing all of this.

It feels like a sort of regression into infancy where, according to Freud, its to do with sexual jealousy or whatnot, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure whether I really have normal feelings for her or whether its a deep, infant yearning for her to be my Mother and for her to actually nurture my vulnerabilities.

Can regression get that far? I spoke to a friend who goes through a lot and she's sometimes regressed very far into infancy. She's told me that a few times, she actually feels like a baby wanting to be nurtured.

One thing I know about sexuality for me is that when I'm with a woman I am attracted to, I become dominant and empowered. I become 'male'. Is it because I don't want to be exposed for how small and unprotected I really feel? However, I could be classed as so-called bisexual, because men do not disgust me and I would enjoy sex with a man, however I am to make sure that he is the dominant one and I am the submissive.

I used to think that this was to do with getting in touch with my feminine and masculine traits. Now, I'm not so sure. Now it feels like it is something to do with masking vulnerability. Why is it that I want to be so submissive to a man but so dominant with a woman. I find it hard to understand if this is a part of my sexuality, a part of vulnerability and exposing/not exposing vulnerability or whatnot.

I yearn a LOT for intimacy. Its a desperation. I dream about it. I love lust. Lust and sexuality is something I yearn because I've never had it. I yearn to feel such strong feelings for another person in that way but then again, is it because I missed out on a mother or is it just simply sexual yearning?

Any shedding light on this or opinions would be nice.

P.s. perhaps in order to fully understand my confusion, its good for you to know that my Mum left me when I was 1 years old and I was cared for by quite an emotionally uncaring stepmother. I was sent to my Grandparents for 11 months at aged 3 and then returned to my stepmother and father. There were lots of conflicts and arguments around the house from day 1 of birth and my Mum suffered major depression when she gave birth to me so she was not emotionally available. Perhaps this has something to do with the way I see sex etc.

Last session I felt my vulnerability with T. She was speaking really softly to me, like I was a child and I didn't mind it. But usually, I hate it. I hate being spoken soft to in the way that she does. Breaking down some barriers did help me connect with my vulnerable side. I felt like a child again. Perhaps quite a hurt child.

But if this is true, that I have this range of vulnerability and that I cower from it by exhibiting narcissistic traits of egotistical sexual behavior, how deep exactly, does the pain run? :S

My father was a big narcissist. He used to seduce women all the time. My stepmother was a manipulating person. And I believe that I have inherited some traits of seduction and need for power from my father but instead of letting myself go and following through, I do not because I insist of having a conscience to weed out what is wrong from right and how damaging narcissism is. It is so difficult for me to withdraw from the need to seduce and be egotistic sometimes, especially when there is a threat of loss or whatnot. I feel I've done a 360 with T and now because I got so scared and panicked of her leaving, I'm turning into this person I don't want to be. This sort of, egotistic seducer. I have to work VERY hard not to give it to this kind of behaviour because I know from one previous experience that it is very damaging.

Because of this, I often feel that I have two sides to me. I have the vulnerable side of my childlike ways and I have quite a narcissistic side. I am always battling between the two. it is very exhausting. Sometimes I have the compulsion to be egotistic and glib and charming. And to deny that sort of behaviour when it wants to come around takes a lot of effort and a lot of work on mentallly balancing myself. Usually I'm wavering in between the two. Almost all of the time, there is a personality fragmentation within me. There is never any certainty. And I only ever reach my true pain when there is the threat of loss, like recently when T said that sessions were capped. Immediate self-harm, suicide idealization, the lot.

I wonder what kind of therapist I need to help me through such feats?

Its annoying because I requested a mental health assessment from my Doctor. He only took me seriously when I said I was self-harming and suicidal. Its like I felt I wasnt' being taken seriously up until that moment. I have real major personality issues and I just want to get extra help. I feel that I have to feign the amount of times I'm supposedly suicidal in order to be psychiatrically assessed.

Sorry for the length of this!