In the previous session with P i handed him a list of things the last male therapist had done to me. My P knew I had been abused in therapy, but I think I had only said the usual phrase "my previous male therapist sexually assaulted me and I had to have him struck off."
Well, this list of things that happened is graphic. I did not explain HOW they came to happen, just wrote the worst.
Then I go back for the next session. And sweetP is visibly steadier, stronger and more like a rock than he has ever been. Usually he lets me take charge of sessions but in this one he goes straight to this topic and tells me that when he read it he wept. That he could visualize me being weak and vulnerable and unable to protect myself and no one else there to protect me and it was so sad to know that it happened to me.
I was moved that he could care so much.
but I was very quiet. this topic/experience is extremely painful to go near, for me.
He eventually coaxed me to talk. I quietly explained how I felt to blame. Still. Even though I fought the ex t and got him struck off, even though after three months of the ex T denying it, the ex T eventually admitted that not only had he done all the things that he had done to me, but that he had spent six months planning it.
But I still feel to blame.
And I want to tell you all what I have not (yet) been able to tell my sweetP. I want to tell you why it was TRULY my fault.
I need someone to hear.
I need you to hear. I need to forgive myself too.
This is hurting me so much to carry.
WHY I AM TO BLAME
After two years of working and trusting this ex T, (FalseFinder is my name for him) I bagan to hit really LITTLE me feelings. Very small and very scared. I hated these feelings. I fought to be not small but would feel so little in sessions. I was also simultaneously experiencing erotic transference onto the ex T, as my not yet fully grown side was beginning to experience being sexual and feeling more like a grown woman. Ex T encouraged me to talk about that and I know that it is appropriate, if embarrassing in therapy, to talk about these things.
But I wanted more intimacy with him. I did not want sex, and kept saying so, but I wanted to feel intimate/close/loved.
I persuaded this FF to allow me to be naked in a session and feel safe. He argued against it but he could see that it was helpful to me. I then argued that I wanted him to be naked too and he told me that this was inappropriate. So I would be naked sometimes in a session. He then touched my genitals. I was so upset. I told him . He apologised. He then suggested he too become naked and we hold each other, that it would heal me. I liked that. I felt so safe. This kind of level of meeting continued for a few sessions. ( I was so naive)
then I argued that I had ended therapy and wanted to meet him as two adults exploring what non sexual intimacy meant and he disagreed that I was ready. then he eventually agreed and I fought my corner and I got what I wanted
Then things got really messy, as he just manipulated me to do what he wanted, (he later admitted that he has a sex addiction) and that he could get me, as an abuse survivor - to do what he wanted so easily as I could never express the no that was screaming in my head and I also wanted to appear grown up with him - as he was my daddy figure and I wanted to be respected and met NOT as a little girl anymore.
I cannot write anymore now, this is too difficult. I have risked a lot putting this here. I find that at the momment it is eating away at me that my sweetP does not know most of the worst stuff happened after i had prematurely ended being client, and we all know that the ex T should not have allowed me to end and should not have agreed to meet me but
I
PERSUADED
him.
I PERSUADED HIM.
But as most of you will understand, I was meeting him as a very strong small child who wanted her daddy to love her and be safe for her but was trying to pretend that she is such a big girl now. And like my own father and all the other father figures, he could not help abusing me and I felt unable to do and be anything but the child I was when I was abused.
This is so difficult.
I have to tell sweetP that I MADE the ex T do those things by asking to be more in an equal position with him. But I never asked the ex T to touch me in those ways, etc. I always always asked him NOT to make is sexual. And he would tell me that intercourse and kissing was sexual but what he was doing was not. And of course I had been told that also years ago, so was just in the old past scenes all over again.
