Liese.... looking good does not have to be about sexuality. It is more about self esteem and that you care enough to look your best and feel good enough to be taking care of yourself.

My experience is: I always like to look nice but when I was struggling before seeing oldT it was difficult with all that I was dealing with to think about me. My mom was very ill andmy son was having issues too. And so I let myself slide. After about a year with oldT I started to dress better (I work in an office so it's appropriate for me to do this anyway) and take more care in how I looked. Then when I got sick with my gall bladder I lost a lot of weight and bought more attention getting clothing... maybe some would say more sexy but I was just having fun with clothing and new styles I could now wear. And well, oldT got the benefit LOL. I had been starting to feel better inside as well, I was more active playing with my son, and more joyful in general because therapy was actually helping me.

After the termination and beginning to see my current T I worried about my clothes and at times tried to be more conservative but I was not about to buy a whole new wardrobe. I was scared because I thought it was my fault that I "made" oldT like me too much and develop feelings towards me and this is why he terminated me. It was an inner fear I didn't express very much.

And then ... my current T began to comment on my clothing. Yikes. It was very discomforting. He would notice my red shoes, my faux fur jackets, my brightly colored dresses and then told me that there was someone inside of me looking for attention. I wanted to crawl away so he could not see me.... yet it was nice that he did see me and actually TOLD ME.

I finally got the nerve to talk to him about my fears and he smiled and told me that I am not seductive with him at all. That he figured that out awhile ago and that while I'm sweet and kind and very considerate he said I would not have been seductive with oldT because he would have seen it played out with him as well and he did not see that happen at all.

And so, I dress nice when I see him and have no worries that I'm doing it for some ulterior reason and that he does not see anything in it beyond someone wanting a bit of attention and liking to look nice and enjoying that little bit of new self-esteem. As we change internally, we should also change somewhat externally to reflect the new way we see ourselves. I think that is perfectly normal.

So, Liese, throw out that old therapy "uniform" and wear your new clothes to therapy. I wear maxi dresses and heels all summer and heels and dress slacks and v-neck sweaters with lace cami's underneath all winter. Sometimes I even wear leggings with my black high heel boots.

Go for it and let us know if T notices!

TN

Hi Liese,

When I lost a ton of weight due to my ED I bought new clothes constantly (new for me anyway, I usually shop at consignment or second hand stores). It still causes an issue in therapy sometimes, just out of my own self consciousness, because things won't sit right and it bugs me and I don't want to buy too many clothes that fit for when I'm healthy again. Anyway, I'm very body conscious but don't have a therapy uniform. At first, I made an effort (did my nails and such) but at this point I've worn anything from what I slept in the night before, to yoga clothes (my staple but because I actually go to yoga before or after session too), or jeans and whatever T-shirt is clean.

Some types of clothes trigger me to wear (like baggy pants/jeans even just 1 size too big), and anything low cut with cleavage... not because I worry about T but because... I just don't.

Sometimes I worry my Ts think I dress provocatively and not necessarily for them but because I want attention or something? I, like TN, tend to wear bright colors because I love them and it's the colors I use in my art also. I can't wear earth tones because I look washed out, and I hate white. So that leaves black and then anything goes. Today I wore a bright orange shirt that had a bright yellow tiger shape on it, yoga pants, and sandals. I get my hair done today and intend to wear jeans and the same shirt. Right now I'm in my house clothes. I do not wear the same clothes out as I do in my house most of the time. I change 3-4 times a day lol.

Anyway, I feel like I'm way off topic, but my point is... I agree with TN, dress how you like and what makes you happy and feel good. It's good to be concerned, but also respect yourself and your own unique style. I think if T had an issue he'd say something, I know my T would... and truthfully I don't think most men even care what we're wearing. I get noticed (in a positive way) the most when I'm in the worst possible thing I could imagine wearing in public (usually late night McDonalds ice-cream cone runs, or coffee after an all-night of studying) and my hair is all greasy and unkempt. If I look at all like I gave even the SLIGHTEST damn... no one notices lol. I don't even wear make-up anymore because I've been on a new diet so my skin is nice. Not even eye make up (which I used to coordinate w/ what I was wearing... so, also bright... also got compliments but just don't have the heart anymore).

UGH... so much rambling. As long as it's for you and makes you feel good - do it. It's also okay to address with your T - that you're excited you have a new wardrobe, and it's weird to wear to therapy. Whenever I wear a skirt or long dress I feel weird and will talk to my Ts about it... usually the conversation starts with "I feel weird in this get up because I haven't done laundry in 2 weeks" which is the truth... and they'll say whatever it is is nice.

Okay, I hope this helped somehow...

I hope some day to have the confidence to wear something other than my therapy uniform, but I'm not there yet. For me, it's the need to change into long pants, even in the Summer, and I can't wear tank tops. It's not that I worry about T being attracted to me in any way or thinking I'm trying to seduce him. It's just, I feel...exposed and toxic being close to anyone. It's too much for me right now. My T and I had a discussion, because he didn't notice I never wear makeup (I have lashes and lips that kind of look like I do when I don't). I gave all these excuses why, but he felt I was being defensive about it. I tried it one time, wearing it for a day and to a session I had with him and a support person. It...did...not...go...well. I'm not sure it has anything to do with therapy for me, though, just being seen/noticed at all.

I say go for it as well. Wear it in, if he comments, just be straight out that you've updated your wardrobe and had been avoiding wearing it and then thought, "Wow, why should I do that?" I'm sure that would be a productive discussion.

(((Liese))) i used to dress down, and maybe still do a bit of that. i don't think i've ever had a good sense of what my own personal style is. depending on the time of year, it's jeans, sneakers and a sweater in the winter, and capris, sandals and a nice top in the summer. i remember after a year/year and a half of therapy going in and T noticing and vocalizing that i had some new clothes that was very uncomfortable for me!

over the course of the 2+ years i've been seeing him, my "style" has improved, i think. not so frumpy as i used to be ... less black and more color. when i dress i do wonder "is this showing too much cleavage? what if i lean forward? hmmm. maybe not this one". that kind of thing. like others, i struggle with him thinking i am being flirtatious. i would just about die if he ever thought that and brought it up!

anyway, i think you should wear what you're comfortable and confident wearing. by all means, wear what you wear to the library to therapy! go for it! seems like you'll be breaking through some chains by doing so. good luck! ((((Leise))))

Thanks for all the input. It's nice to know that others struggle with this too. Sexuality aside,

quote:

i don't think i've ever had a good sense of what my own personal style is.

This is a huge part of it for me. My family wasn't into fashion. We just didn't discuss or focus on our looks, on looking good. That kind of stuff. So that's what I'm playing with now. Trying to develop a sense of personal style.

Me too and ditto for what you said Liese and Monts. My T is female and always looks lovely and dresses well and is slim. I am just not into it, don't feel comfortable in dressing really well etc etc. I am very conscious of what I wear. I would like to say that I am very comfortable with it all, but I am not - it bothers me, but I live with it.

there really should be an "undo" on the edit line. i wrote a bunch of stuff and hit something and everything was gone without a chance of recovering it. there should be an undo. can we work on this?

Liese and SD and everybody, you are beautiful as you are!!!

Liese - I do hope you can find your personal style. I didn't have one growing up either. Right now my style is 'I liked it, so I bought it, now I put it on me' and also 'This is comfy'. If something is not comfy it is banished from my style - I refuse to wear high heels, or anything... itchy or wool because just feeling it makes my teeth hurt (no clue why) and reminds me of mittens... and I hate mittens. Anything that would require the use of spanx, nylons, sucking in my belly to stay in, or restrict my range of motion unless it was absolutely required (like a bit coat or something)... also not tolerated. I think you could start on a 'yes' and 'no' list and maybe get your style there, I dunno... I see lots of stuff in magazines I like, but it isn't me. I went out for dinner with some friends the other night and felt so uncomfortable... I was dressed like a late 90s rock star and they were wearing sun dresses, or khakis and polo shirts, or something that looked like it had to be ironed (hell no - also, no to anything that can't run through the washer/dryer with whatever color of clothes I throw it with and whatever cycle I want it to go on). Anyway, we didn't go anywhere with a dress code but I really had to own, while I felt so out of place... that.. that's what I had on today.

CD - I'm not sure what kind of computer you have BUT I have a mac, and I've done that before... What I do is go up to 'Edit' (on the browser menu - in my case Safari) and 'Re-do typing' and most of the time it comes back. Or, if that option is not there I usually right click outside of the text box and select 'back' because usually the page has reloaded because I clicked reply elsewhere or I hit something.

My phone on the otherhand... is not as flexible.

i'll give 'er a shot, ((cat)). very frustating ...

sorry CD - I should have been a little more empathetic or at least told you that... even though I can fix it most of the time... I do grr a variety of colorful words. Usually an MF, or a WTFPOS. I'm with you on the frustrating!

I have had a similar experience, but reversed.

Casually these days, I tend to wear a lot of outdoor stuff, jeans with hoodies, fleece tops. Converse in the summer, walking trainer type shoes in the winter. I go walking a fair bit and I guess that spills over into what I like to wear. Put me in a branch of Cotswold and I'm like a child in a sweet shop, although I cannot really afford anything in there! I'm also a bit of a nerd, so I'll occasionally wear a few obscure T shirts with computer or sci-fi references.

When I started therapy with current T, I realised I was actually being very careful selecting clothes to wear. I recognise that has a lot to do with the fact that I tend to hide aspects of myself from people I don't trust and I do not trust quickly or easily. No slogans, nothing that would 'give me away' as being one sort of person or another were worn until I could get a decent idea of whether this relationship was going to be a go-er or not.

This had a lot to do with a fear of being judged by another woman and a history of feeling unacceptable in general. Although I am trying to break myself of this habit, I still have a tendency to view people having knowledge about me as people having power over me. I tend to filter a lot before I figure out how safe I am feeling.

I have been with current T nearly a year and for the most part I have stopped feeling like I need to be smarter. I even wore my Game of Thrones T shirt the other day ;-)

Liese, I do identify with not having a personal style. I too was brought up in a household where style and fashion were never mentioned. My mother put me in some truly hideous stuff and I was bullied as a result. She had weird hangups about fashionable clothes too & sexuality, helpfully passed down from her mother. I remember being awed when my younger sister started experimenting with hair and make up on her own. I had no clue where to begin!

really interesting topic, Liese! I think for me (my T is a female my mother's age and I'm a straight female) ...I don't really think about being seductive or sexual with my clothing. That could also be because I tend not to be overly seductive/tight/revealing clothing, so I don't have any of that to wear in the first place. But I am cognizant and sometimes hyper-aware of my clothing and appearance when I go to therapy. I like to look nice (but not dressy/formal)...like if I buy anything new, I will wear that on the day I see my T. I don't always dress up (I wear yoga pants a lot too), but even when I'm wearing sweats, I like to look presentable. I am aware of not wearing anything that would show anything if I lean too much, or something like that.

It's funny though because I don't really like showing my legs too much in therapy. Last summer (after seeing T for 1.5 years) I wore a dress to T. She opened the door and the first thing she said was, oh! You're wearing a dress! I've never seen you in one! haha..it was kind of funny how expressive she was..just for my dress. This summer, I wore a dress in the beginning of summer (hadn't worn another dress since last summer)..and she sort of had the same reaction. But I think half way through, she realized she had seen me in one before..so she was just like...oh, you're wearing a dress! ....I like dresses. hahaha...I was thinking...is that a compliment, that you like MY dress? Or are you just proclaiming your affinity for dresses in general. ha!

Anyway, I've rambled but thought that was funny/cute with my dresses. I think it's great that you are feeling better about yourself and you want your outside appearance to match your new inner confidence! I would absolutely wear your new clothes to therapy. Definitely be you in therapy! You have been with your T for long enough that I would not think he would think you are seductive or manipulative or whatever. (and if for whatever reason he did, I think you have a strong enough alliance that you could have a productive conversation about it) I think he would be proud of you and happy that you're feeling better about yourself and want to show it! Good luck if you decide to wear your new clothes to therapy!