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4 replies

shame.

F freudsflyonthewallMember
I was abandoned at birth and adopted by a pyschotic abusive mother. I was left for many hours unattended and believe this to be a big part of my inability to face people eye too eye and/or talk with people I dont know. I've spent 7yrs in therapy and still to this day sit sideways not looking at T. Its like it is a physical thing, like my head is too heavy to turn toward her.

The other day my next door neighbour whom I've never spoke to put a note on my daughters car asking her not to continue parking in front of her drive as she has a car and her visitors do (well she hasn't got a car, but fair enought on the request as her visitors proberbly do), the point being, I immediately felt triggered, my husband calmly got up and moved my daughters car and thought no more about it, but me I knew I had been shot into the twilight zone, its as if I feel I have been caught doing somethign and everyone is looking and laughing and judging me.

I'm thinking the judging part is coming from my own internalized abusive adoptive mother and the contact from a "stranger" even though shes a neighbour is more then I can bear, its like my skin has been ripped away, I dont want strangers/outside world making contact with me!!

I know this is pretty rambling and crazy but does anyone understand this? I guess in a couple of days this will normalize itself, but right now the desire to rid myself of the feelings I am feeling is huge! can hardly bear to be with myself.
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
FFotW,
Good to hear from you, it's been awhile. Sorry about the huge shame reaction, there is nothing more uncomfortable than being in the middle of a shame storm.

Do you mind my asking, but were you severely punished as a child if you did anything wrong? Or was there a really high demand that everything look perfect to outsiders? If either of these were true, then you have learned that it was dangerous to either make a mistake, no matter how innocent, or that to draw the attention of someone outside the family was a very bad thing to do. Things that we fear to do end up with a lot of shame attached to them.

I think it's really a good thing that you came here to talk about how you're feeling, because the only way to break the power of shame is to do what it's telling you not to, and that is to speak about how you're feeling.

The truth is that you're husband was correct. This was something really minor. Your neighbor left what sounds like a polite note, your husband responded by taking care of her request and it's over, no big deal. In some ways, this was a great demonstration of boundaries. Your daughter crossed your neighbors boundary by parking in a place which blocked her. We're not supposed to know where someone else's boundaries are all the time. So she spoke up about what she needed. Your family essentially responded by respecting the identified boundary. It was a healthy exchange which is why your husband wasn't bothered, and I'm willing to bet your neighbor wasn't either.

I hope you feel better soon.

AG
F freudsflyonthewallMember
AG, Yes on all levels, your correct I was punished severly, and bringing outside attention in to our home was a shameful thing too do. Intellectually I remember all the "Dont let the neighbours see/hear" and I thought I'd shrugged it off, but it appears the feelings of shame were suppressed and reside deep inside of me.

Its so yuk knowing this and trying to overcome it, the feelings are so entrenched!

Thank you for yours and Lieses replys I have spoken about it with my husband but he really doesnt' understand it, bless him lol
L lieseMember
Freud,

He's a lucky guy, that he doesn't know what it feels like. There's not a heck of lot that could be worse than feeling like that. You're a good person and you didn't do anything wrong. When the problem was brought to your attention, you fixed it. As AG said, we can't anticipate everything and everyone's boundaries. We can only respond when things are brought to us.



xoxo

Liese

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