Hi L2fly.... this is a huge triggering topic for me so I have not even approached it with T yet. That said, I do not thing you can just stop ruminating on the subject or feeling it. I think it has to be worked through and replace with a sense of self worth and self esteem. This is part of the work of therapy and to just stop seems disrespectful of what causes this feeling in the first place.

sorry I don't have any real answers but I do hear you. Others on here may have done more work in this area and can better advise you.

Hugs
TN

Hi L2Fly,

I have only been able to use the word "shame" in writing (email) with my T. She tells me the shame belongs to the person who abused me and tells me I need to let go of the shame...but no advice as to how! I guess, like everything else, it has to be talked about (endlessly) in therapy.... The problem is, if you're feeling shame, talking about it can bring on more feelings of shame.

I read something that said most people, even Ts, are uncomfortable with the topic of shame and with witnessing the shame of others. In other words, it could be that by telling you to "stop" your shame, your T is (unconsciously) trying to protect herself from uncomfortable feelings. I have wondered whether this is the case for my T.

Again, I don't know what the answer is, but it helped me a little to consider that my T might be asking me to do something that she herself is not able to do--i.e., It is not possible to simply "stop" of "let go of" shame. I think healing from shame requires the presence of another person who is strong enough to witness and empathize with the shame and not push it away.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and are left with a T break and an impossible assignment from your T. I hope others here can help with this question. I know many of us struggle with shame. You're not alone with this problem.

RabbitEars

Hey L2F

It does sound like you're in the middle of knowing your shame that probably extends back to the early years of your life.

Shame is something I've encountered daily in myself for the reasons you cite and many others.

TN is right that it is something that has to be worked through in a relational context so that you can experience your shame being known but not be rejected and in fact emotionally held in your distress as you gradually piece your sense of self and self-esteem back together. Its very hard and often very painful.

RE is right on two fronts, that shame belongs with the abuser and that many T's have trouble handling it because of what it evokes inside themselves. IF they haven't dealt with their own shame then they will engage in a defensive manoeuvre to keep themselves comfortable but constricting your own healing in the process.

I think writing about it, grieving and crying and speaking about all your fears to your T is the way it eventually gets resolved. There is a guy called Joseph Burgo who runs a website afterpsychotherapy.com and he writes a lot about shame. ITs a wonderful resource for understanding how shame comes about.

I don't know the answer, but have an inkling that I have a ton of it well buried and not wanting to come out. The word has never been mentioned in my therapy. Yet.