Hi GE. This is exactly what I've been struggling with for a few months now. I leave almost every single session feeling intense shame. For me, I've been experiencing unrelenting negative transference toward my T. I can't shake the feeling that she's judging me, thinks I'm unimportant, insignificant, etc. I think my shame is from me exposing myself to her and feeling too vulnerable. I am so ashamed that she will judge me to be unworthy and damaged, defective.

It's gotten a little better over the past couple weeks. We talk about it a lot...which obviously is uncomfortable for me. She tells me that she isn't my mother, she's not judging me, etc. She sometimes has me picture the image that is my shame. What color is it, where does it sit in my body, what shape. She wants me to be able to get some space from it. She tries to help me distance myself from it by trying to have me picture it moving outside of me. She is trained in IFS and sort of relates to my shame as another part. She tries to get me to see it not as me, but just as a part of me...if that makes sense. Also, because I struggle with negative thoughts toward her, she has me capture a "snapshot" of her....her body language, her voice, her caring-ness or whatever. When I'm feeling shame, she'll ask me to think about that snapshot of us in her office.

These things have only somewhat helped. I still leave feeling intense shame, and that is currently a big problem for me. The hours and couple of days after my sessions, I always just want to quit. But I don't...I keep going back hoping it'll get better. I'm eagerly awaiting when it will get better (!!) because shame is the hardest emotion to deal with, at least for me. This stuff is so hard.

I just re-read your post and it seems like the shame isn't from sessions? It seems like you seeing your T helps decrease the shame? I don't know....for me, seeing my T awakens my shame. I don't tend to feel shame in my everyday life (guess I'm well defended against! ha). It's seeing my T and this relationship that brings about my shame. Seeing her makes it worse Anyway, sorry if my post didn't exactly get at what you were trying to ask!

((SP)) ((Erica)) thank you both for replying

SP - now i'm over paralysing gastro we can so have a thesis submission party!!

The shame you mentioned about being discovered - I feel like i'm inches away from that and its soooo scary. I was recounting with T a memory of how my dad and I related and it set off enormous feelings of humiliation and shame. However my T then went after something else and I felt like he was trying to expose a side of myself that I am mortified of and contains all sorts of violent rage and humiliation and grief. It ripped out my emotional safety and sent me spiralling into the universe of emotional hell. It took four sessions to gradually begin to repair this because i was so freaked out at how misattuned my T had been and how his actions intensified my shame and humiliation. The problem is I now feel stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea (as i described above) and utterly alone. I can't shake this out of my head and I spent most of the night either awake or having nightmares.

I completely understand how you want to hurt yourself when you're aware of your shame because it is sooooo excruciating. I can barely look at myself in the mirror atm.

Three decades are now down to two but I'm so furious at being dumped in such an appalling state of which T has made some contribution to through his mistake.

Erica, I completely understand the conviction that you are unimportant and insignificant to your T (which you're not I assure you). I wonder whether that is an easier sort of shame for you to bear than other shame that is related to earlier experiences. DO you think the shame you feel after the session might relate to not feeling deserving or worthy of the good care your T provides? I am in strong agreement that shame/humiliation are one of the hardest if not the hardest emotions to bear.

Seeing my T usually helps me feel better because I know he really cares about me. Part of my shame is that I have more or less pleaded with him to see me an extra session in the past week and he flat out refused. SO then I end up feeling so worthless and humiliated that I'm only worth his time in a certain number of 50 minute blocks each week. And I feel like i've humiliated myself by asking for something he has never granted in the past no matter how bad things have been. I guess the difference this time is that he contributed to the triggering of the latest shame/humiliation episode and consequently I think its reasonable he do some extra work to help clear it up. The fact that he won't leaves me feeling angry and humiliated and like I'm absolutely worthless to him.

(((GE))) I'm so sorry you're feeling so angry and humiliated and that you are worthless to your T. This roller coaster of emotions is so excruciating. I know you've written about your T before...how he is caring and warm and truly wants to help you heal. That doesn't change his "no" but I would absolutely guess (more than guess!) that you are NOT worthless to your T. How could you be? You are in intense therapy. You are working so hard! I'm sure he so much respects that and cares about you. But....I also know the feelings of shame and humiliation. My T has never even said no to me and yet I am SO ashamed of how she must think I'm a total mess of a person. I can only imagine if/when she says no how unimportant I'll feel I'm so sorry you're going through this!

And I think your statement about how dealing with the here and now shame is easier than dealing with my past shame is probably right. I think for me, the shame is definitely related to not feeling deserving of the care from my T and also feeling like she's getting closer to my damaged core. I think that's where my shame stems from. I think I'm damaged. The more I talk and open up to my T, the more she sees of it. It sucks and totally shuts me down....and triggers overwhelming shame the minute I leave session. I'm sure many people here can relate. I wish I knew how to deal better with my shame.

I just wanted to stop in and give you a hug (((GE))) I don't really know what I can say to help... but I wanted to send some support

Sorry I'm late, GE but I just wanted to say a big congratulations for getting the thesis in. I have very traumatic memories of getting my undergraduate one in so I had a lot of empathy for your position.

The fact that you got it in, while juggling so many other commitments makes me think that you're a bit of a superhero.

I'm really sorry you're sailing some rough waters with T right now. I think I would feel similarly humiliated and angry if I felt my T had contributed to a rupture and wasn't willing to do their fair share to help fix it. I think I would feel a sense of unfairness and injustice too, that they wouldn't shoulder a portion of it. When I think on it, I think this has strong links my childhood. My parents could not see (or did see but chose to ignore) that they actively contributed to me behaving in ways that they then punished. People not taking responsibility for their 'side' of things is a massive trigger for me.

I hope you're able to work through it with him.

((erica)) thanks for understanding. i know all too well the not feeling deserving of care and the fear and dread of having your core self exposed and being totally vulnerable to another. I've read somewhere the antidote to shame is empathy and love. I hope you can start to let those gifts from your T in because you really do deserve it.

((Cat)) thanks for the hugs and support

((madam duck)) thank you, the submission was an anti-climax because i'd had severe gastro the day before and barely recall handing it in i was so tired and out of it. To be fair my T was trying to fix it in session but i was too triggered and angry and i simply needed more time than was available. unfortunately stringing it out seemed to intensify everything. i'm sorry your parents never had the decency to own their mistakes. Mine didn't either and i similarly get very pissed when others play the blame game.

Just a quick update to say that T and I are well on the way to healing this most recent rupture and Im feeling a lot better. Very much appreciate the words and messages of support here

xxxx GE

I'm so sorry it was an anticlimax. I can empathise with that - I had mono aka glandular fever (I don't know what name it goes by in Oz) when I was doing mine and I recall going and handing it in and then my dad pouring me into bed straight after at 10am! I think it began to sink in at graduation time, sort of. It was a weird time.

Awesome that you and your T are working through this rupture and you're feeling a lot better.

Edited after reading SP's post: Yes, I am also taken with Madam. I think I will need to instigate it as a forum requirement.

ah yes SP you brought le francais!

perhaps you can be our forum empress

and it felt like three millenniums not three decades!!!