I have spent the past hour 'happily' responding to other peoples posts but knowing that I am kind of avoiding posting myself.

I wanted to share that I told my T something yesterday that was INCREDIBLY difficult. I told him that I have sexual fantasies that are all muddled up, sometimes involving him, but mostly nameless people. I gave details. I did all this by typing it all out and pretending that I would NEVER let ANYONE read it. [I carried that printed three pages around with me since Feb 22nd, and lived in fear of dropping it somewhere in my 'normal' life and having to pretend it was not mine. I felt like I was carrying a bomb. (or I could have said "oh, that is a short story I am writing, thanks " and looked nonchalant!)]

In the end, yesterday, I just gave him the bomb. I was so tired of carrying it around.

He read it aloud so at least I knew where he was at, and we had to stop several times, whilst I calmed down from
1. sobbing
2. wailing
3. shaking
4. teeth chattering
5. gripping his hand so hard I was nearly stopping the circulation

and other various emotional states.

But we got to the end.

I feel liberated. I feel unburdened. I don't feel (YET?) that he will walk away from me for having these feelings/thoughts/ images/fantasies

He gently said that it is not surprising that I have the sexual, emotional and other levels tangling up, considering the abuse and trauma I went through at a very young age. He said he was really pleased I had the amazing courage to tell him. He thinks it is important. I think so too. I can't believe that something that I find so upsetting, distressing, difficult and shameful is now KNOWN. I wish he had been there when I was little, I so needed to talk to someone then.

He was utterly kind to me. We even laughed at some things. At one point I said "I am so glad I chose to tell you as you are so steady and sensible.... sometimes." He laughed at my 'sometimes'. But he is. He is the first person I have dared to speak this to. I have tried before but it always backfired on me.

I just wanted to post this because I suspect we all carry really difficult stuff inside that we are too ashamed to tell our T's. And we know in theory that those are the things we should be sharing. I knew that. But I was hoping it would 'go away' in my head, as therapy progressed. But every time I felt he did not care, it came back in full force.

I feel humbled but not humiliated. I feel humbled that I am just like all other human beings, complicated and with potential to tangle up different bits from a painful childhood and then they re emerge as an adult, in a strange but understandable way.

I ended the session say that although I climb very high mountains, over 18,000ft sometimes, this session required more courage and guts than any mountain I have climbed and I have climbed some very difficult ones. He agreed.

Now I have to tackle the difficulty of auditioning for a very famous renowned choir on Sunday. i don't think I will get in, but I want to very much. But I hope I will cope if I don't.

It has just struck me that if he reads this, he will know it is me. Arghhh. fortunately he gives strong clues that he is not really into computers and internet etc.

Does this make sense and do you understand this process of self disclosure that is so agonizing?
What have you disclosed that felt agonizing in this way? You don't have to answer but you could post saying that you too have gone through this. And did you also feel relieved?