I have recently divulged some highly secretive and ultra sensitive information to my T via email yesterday. We are looking at something that may explain a whole lot of what’s been going on with me. The fact that she is aware there might be something else going on that was not evident before is actually a significant sign that my therapy is working and the attachment and trust is growing deep enough for these things to now be revealed. So when she brought it up on Wednesday it was really no surprise to me, but I did run through a whole gamut of emotions mixed with intermittent periods of strong dissociation switching to nagging physical sensations (headache, nausea, dizziness, and shakes) I called her that afternoon and she called me back and that led to an inner conflict that I often experience when she calls quickly between clients and I somehow determine that she is short with me because she is frustrated and annoyed with me. (You know the routine) So we hang up and I spiral into oblivion with a million unidentifiable sensations and emotions spiraling around me. I felt like I was being held down and I was choking on my tears to the point of gagging. I wondered “how could she leave me like this? How could she leave me to hold onto these colossal feelings all by myself? What does she expect for me to do and why would she think that a 2 minute in between clients’ phone call was enough for me? She should know better than that and that this is way too much for me to handle by myself.” My alcohol craving was raging out of control and had I been in any shape to drive I fear I would have went to the liquor store.

After 2 ½ hours of outcries, conflicting turmoil, and painful groans I finally settled into a quieter state of despondency hinging on numbness almost willing myself to go there just so that I didn’t have to feel so hurt. After a little while, however I became enraged with how I perceived she treated me (although she did nothing to provoke this, this is all old stuff mind you) I finally mustered up the strength to call her back and I let her know “I was angry and that I feel my phone call was wasted because “she” chose a bad time to return my call and now I am stuck with the heavy feelings to hold all by myself.” Well she called again and that is when we set up another session for 9:00 the next morning. Meanwhile I told her that I hated her for hurting me this way and she actually sounded excited to hear me say that and welcomed more and I obliged her but then recanted “But I don’t want to hate you!” And she said “That’s ok if you hate me. I don’t blame you for hating me and I can accept that and I want to hear more.” Then she took a few minutes and talked me through some things pointing out that what I was seeing in her was not her, it was someone else. She patiently walked me through my accusations and it clearly was not her. In fact, I was so touched by her candor and warmth with me this time that I was able to hold those feelings instead and we continued to work through some more things in session the next day. But there is such a struggle churning inside of me that believes so much different than what I know to be true of my T. Different than my own experience even testifies. It is a raging battle that I feel caught in the middle of and would love nothing more than to let go. I would scream it out if I could, but nothing comes out and I am left with the impending urge to vomit instead.

Anyway, I knew there was some very humiliating and extremely shameful things I now needed to tell her but I looked at her and cried apologetically, “I just can’t do that right now.” So I asked if I could write her a letter or if she accepts email from clients (That seems to be a successful theme around here lately to) and she said sure, but she does not respond to email except in session. So I spent the better part of yesterday typing out my painful confession that stirred up some very old and very shameful emotions and I divulged them all, every last humiliating detail and how they relate to my past and present. Then I spent another several hours reading and re-reading, editing grammar and punctuations, reading and re-reading some more, wanting to edit out some of the stuff but decided to leave it as raw as it needed to be. Then I spent another hour trying to click send. Amazing how difficult that can be.

So I have until Wednesday to contain myself and then I can cower in the corner of her office, barf bag in hand and avoiding eye contact at all cost. On the other hand I do have a sense that she is going to embrace the entire breadth of my painful secrets and all the feelings they encompasses just fine. And that she will intently listen with outstretched arms and symbolically hold me and accept me for all that I am. So as I am scared out of my mind I am also looking forward to it oddly enough, because this is what I do know to be true about her and to feel it at that level must be a marvelous sense of freedom and discovery beyond what I have ever known. It can only get better right? With all this said I am ready to hurl and I don’t think I am going to get through the day without doing that and I am sure that I will be making a phone call shortly too.

Thanks everyone for listening to me ramble. This has been such a stable community to turn to between sessions and I am eternally grateful to know all of you this way.