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sharing my own "session notes."

blackbirdblackbirdMember
So I had another session with Cowboy T. I was hoping I could write some of it out and share. First I went into his office and I noticed he had a new couch. I didn't say anything, but sat down. Then I noticed a hanging on the wall, and asked if it was new. Cowboy looked at me a bit funny and said: "The whole office is new!" everything was different I guess. He said the rug all the furniture and even the paint had been changed! He pointed out a picture behind me and couple of other ones and said they were new. Things only seemed vaguely different to me. I found that a bit weird, and I suppose he probably did too, that I didn't even notice much-
I had a hard time trying to figure out what to talk about, but Cowboy was so nice...he just said well..."why not just lie down on the couch and rest...you are away from the kids and we can just chill out." There was no angst about it...he was totally fine and unruffled by my sort of apathy. Then I just said.."I miss my therapist so much..I started to cry again, and that was ok, too. It's just...ok..everything I say, feel or do is ok with him and he is personally unaffected by it...not in an uncaring way, but just in a way that makes it safe to share what is really going on underneath without worrying about his reactions to it.. we talked some about my T and the ways that he confused me. I said I was looking for unconditional love from my T. He asked me if I had told my T that, and I said yes. He said "what was his response?" I said that my T had said that was what he was trying to give me. He said "that must have been very confusing to you to hear." I said yes. I didn't mention that at other times, T told me that he could never give me the love I was looking for. So confusing to be told both things. Then he asked me what unconditional love looks like to me...I said "nurturing, and boundaries." I said I couldn't ever have that kind of love, cause it's not something people can give a grownup. Cowboy didn't seem to really agree with that- but we didn't get into it. He asked me if my leaving my T was a very sudden thing, or if it tapered off slowly. He asked me that twice, and I said that I just left because the relationship between us had become too painful for me to endure anymore. I even told him about the session where I drank scotch before and let my T have it. He said I was angry at my T, and that it *wasn't* just transference- I guess he thought maybe that was why my T couldn't take it. He said.."that's ok- it's allowed." When I left, he walked me to the door as he always does, and rubbed my arm and it was almost like a hug somehow. That was fine, too. It felt safe, not yucky, because he is not involved...somehow. Hard to explain. He is very controlled. He said, "so next week, 7:00."

The medication I'm on is really really helping me. I am so relieved to be able to get up in the morning, to be present to my kids, and get things done. I feel like a person for the first time in longer than I can remember. I know there is a lot of pain nderneath that I don't feel much anymore...but it is more important to be able to function right now, and I'm so grateful. I am scared about...if it stops working after awhile though.

I'm amazed at how much I thought it was my fault before, but now, I realize fully that I really could *not* pull myself out without help. So I don't feel as bad and evil, because I can recognize that it wasn't my fault. I am on almost the max dose of sertraline (zoloft) and it really helps. Cowboy helps too. I am still trying to figure out if I should contact my T and let him know what is going on with me, or if I should just let it go. It hurts to think of him, to think that he forgets me- after I made myself so very vulnerable to him- and he is always in the background of my mind, but I am not obsessing about him anymore. I really lost my heart to him. I wish I could see him.

But I am so much better. It is so lovely to be able to do stuff with my kids. I have still lots of "issues" but they are under control in the sense that recognizing them doesn't make me spin out of control with guilt and fear and eventually, apathy anymore. Maybe I'm just in the apathy, but- at least I am functioning, and I really appreciate that! And I'm not drinking anymore! Hooray!

Love to you all,

Blackbird
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
Then I just said.."I miss my therapist so much..I started to cry again, and that was ok, too. It's just...ok..everything I say, feel or do is ok with him and he is personally unaffected by it...not in an uncaring way, but just in a way that makes it safe to share what is really going on underneath without worrying about his reactions to it.. we talked some about my T and the ways that he confused me. I said I was looking for unconditional love from my T. He asked me if I had told my T that, and I said yes. He said "what was his response?" I said that my T had said that was what he was trying to give me. He said "that must have been very confusing to you to hear." I said yes. I didn't mention that at other times, T told me that he could never give me the love I was looking for. So confusing to be told both things. Then he asked me what unconditional love looks like to me...I said "nurturing, and boundaries." I said I couldn't ever have that kind of love, cause it's not something people can give a grownup. Cowboy didn't seem to really agree with that- but we didn't get into it.


Beebs... first of all ... Congratulations on not drinking any more! You should be proud of yourself for that alone. You are amazing. I am so so happy to hear this.

What I quoted above did two things for me. First, it reminded me SO much of my T and our interactions, especially in the beginning of the relationship. I would walk in and say I miss oldT and burst into tears. Then I would tell him that I didn't want to be there, that I didn't like his office and I was mad he was not oldT. I dont' know how the man kept his sanity and his composure. I still don't know why he keeps me around LOL (just kidding, I know he likes me). But he was always okay with me doing that. He is still, 12 months later, telling me it's okay to miss oldT and to talk about him. And you know what the funny thing is? I don't find that I want to talk about oldT all that much any more. I'm more interested in my relationship with my T not oldT.

I also had to smile where you wrote that you wanted unconditional love and that as an adult that could not be given to you and how Cowboy didn't seem to agree with that. My T would have the same reaction. And yes, you don't get any big reactions to what you tell him and that makes is feel safer to talk about things. You don't have to worry about his feelings and take care of him. But also, it's because what you are talking about is not something so horrible. I mean what was done to you in childhood was horrible but YOU are not scary or difficult and Cowboy is fully and completely capable of helping you understand it and get through it. I hope that this comes out right. It's hard to explain and my T tries to explain it to me all the time when I complain about his lack of (dramatic) reaction to what I tell him. He just has the confidence to know that we can handle and work through anything that comes up and there is no need for him to get freaked out over what I tell him and so... that makes it easier to tell him anything.

I'm glad the zoloft is helping you and helping to make you more present and able to enjoy your children. You need to enjoy them as they grow up so fast. This is something I have really worked on for years and it got a bit derailed after being abandoned by oldT but I'm better now. Not great but better and that's good. But I do want to emphasize also... having Cowboy there for you and just you is very healing. You will heal from all of this it just takes time. You will never forget and the pain of guru T will hit at odd times but it will get better and ... I know this is hard to believe or even consider... but eventually you will come to love Cowboy in a good and healthy way.

Thank you so much for sharing your session with us. I really mean that. I think the heart of what helps and works so well on this OF is that people are willing to put themselves out there and be courageous enough to write about what is actually happening in the relationship and in the therapy room.

Love and hugs
TN
unbrokenunbrokenMember
BB:

Thanks so much for sharing your session with us. I like reading the interactions that go on between other T's and patients.

Cowboy T sounds like a great guy. I am glad that you were able to see him and feel comfortable opening up.

I also am glad that your (Vitamin--Z) is working. That's what I call Zoloft. It's my Vitamin--Z, for sure! Smiler I, too, am scared of the days when that Z tuckers out.

Great job on not drinking anymore. That's a HUGE accomplishment. I, too, had issues with that and know how that whole process goes. I am very proud of you. Smiler

Keep up the good work, BB! You are doing amazing. I know that it hurts to not see someone you care so much about--and I am thinking about you hoping that pain eases for you.

Love, Broken
J janedoeMember
BB ~ yay for cowboy T and meds that help and you - most of all you. Gosh, I'm so impressed how you have hung on and kept seeking out what would help life work better for you, and help lighten the pain. I like that Cowboy T is so non-reactive with you too. It sounds a lot like one of my two Ts. She's just so ok with me, wherever I'm at. If I have just needed an hour to just talk about the weather, we could do that. Somehow, we rarely do talk about just the weather... but knowing that I could, it helps me talk more and share more of what's on my mind and in my heart. I'm so glad zoloft is working for you too. And you gave up drinking? Yay bb! I hope that the pain of missing old T keeps getting better. It wasn't all on you... not at all... he was really confusing and sent a lot of mixed messages. I'm so glad things are better now. It is really neat to read of how your session went.
~ jane
kashleykashleyMember
Can't tell you how great it is to hear how things are going for you, Beebs. Some of the things Cowboy does remind me of my T. And as far as relaxing on the couch, well my T actually told me last week about a client of hers that fell asleep once and slept nearly the entire session! I asked her if she woke her up, and she said no, that she just watched her sleep the whole time. My T was just like, "She must have been really exhausted." It's so funny (and comforting..and disconcerting) how accepting our Ts can be, but it's so great in the end. I see that in Cowboy, and it makes me so happy for you.

starfishstarfishMember
So proud of you feathery one ....that's a really big step forward to give up the drinking, keep going, you are doing so well. I am thrilled that Cowboy is so steady and caring, you are in safe hands there Beebers.

Awwww I'm glad my T hasn't a couch Wink, I tend to get sleepy when I dissociate and have fallen asleep in many a session. T is very cool with it, wakes me if she can or sometimes lets me sleep a while - but if there was a couch I'm sure I'd be out like a light Big Grin

Has anybody else ever slept in sessions? (patients not therapists - we know about those ones!!!)

Hugs,

starfishy
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Thank you TN, Broken (nice to meet you!) yaku, JD, Kashley, Moomin, and starfishy! Your support means a lot...I feel bad posting "my own stuff" since I don't have time to respond to other posts very much anymore, even though I know that people understand that, having experienced it themselves- (dang P.A.D. Big Grin ) so it means a lot that my post helped all of you in terms of being able to read how my session went and get something from it.

Dearest starfishy, yes, I used to get very sleepy at times with my Guru T, and want to, very suddenly, fall asleep. I don't think I did, though. It happened a couple of times with my SD as well. It's never happened with Cowboy. As far as I know I'm not particularly dissociative with him, but I do have the uneasy sense of not being "real" in his room. It feels almost like I leave my "normal self" outside of his door, and pick her up again on my way out, which makes for an odd sensation of the therapy experience not being real or that I'm not really present in it. I think it is lovely that you are able to catch some z's in the presence of your T. I'm sorry about the pain that triggers such a response, however it's good that you can do that when you need to. Falling asleep under extremely stressful conditions is a good way to protect the body I suspect! For example, small infants that are left to cry it out, will fall asleep as a self-protective mechanism when no one comes, and I've seen my children fall asleep very quickly as infants when they were very scared of something. (My boy was afraid of very loud noises and also of his car seat, and both would trigger him falling asleep. (((((starfishy))))) I'm sorry for the pain that must underlie such a response.

Love beebs
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
Beebs,

Such wonderful work and progress!! Congratulations on not drinking anymore, that is something to really be proud of. I'm really glad that you have Cowboy T as he sounds like a really good T. I'm sorry that you still miss your old T, but I hope that in time that gets easier. It's good that you are able to spend time with your kids and that you are functioning better. It is evident in your writing as it exudes a calm and content tone.

Thanks for sharing your session here. (((hugs)))
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Mayo, STRMS, puppet, and draggers- I'm sorry I know this thank you is very belated, but better late than never, I hope! I appreciate your kind words of support.

I had my weekly session tonight...I shock myself at how much I am able to reveal to Cowboy T. We went into some pretty dark corners of my life tonight, and Cowboy was right there, helping me and encouraging me to talk through some really difficult stuff. Well, it's not like traumatic memories like some of you deal with, but I kind of know how it feels now to just find some things too difficult to say. Cowboy told me in one part of our session..."is there anything that you don't want to say?" I said yeah...and he said...with a little smile..."well, that is probably something that you should say, then..." that might not work for everyone, but for me, that works, and I was able to talk about some stuff that I have never really dealt with in depth with anyone before. After, Cowboy thanked me for trusting him with it. He *always* lets me know when time is almost up, which I appreciate so much, especially after my experiences with my old T where I would never know how long the session would go, or where it would be stopping, and often I would end in a mess, and be left alone with it. Cowboy is very careful about letting me know that soon time is up- even when it might be difficult for him to say it. He's a real good therapist, and I count myself lucky to have found him.

So, why do I still miss my old T so much? That is a mystery that I cannot understand. Now that I know what good therapy looks like (and it doesn't look like going around in circles about how bad I am at doing therapy or being in a therapy relationship) I wouldn't go back to that. But my heart still aches for my T...for the past? no. For my parents, siblings, people I've lost or never really had to begin with? No. But my Guru T. There is where it hurts. A very strange thing, that.

Thank you all for helping me when I was at my lowest...it really gets better and better. I'd like to start calling Cowboy "my T" when I post here- which feels like a big breakthrough for me, somehow. I don't have any of that transference with Cowboy T- and absolutely no therapy angst outside of session times. Thank you Cowboy for giving me your time and undivided attention, for one hour week after week, and for letting me leave some of my baggage behind each week. As far as I'm concerned, you can take my baggage and throw it out your office window into the dumpster.

BB
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
it really gets better and better. I'd like to start calling Cowboy "my T" when I post here- which feels like a big breakthrough for me, somehow. I don't have any of that transference with Cowboy T- and absolutely no therapy angst outside of session times.


Beebs... I am totally going to resist saying ... uh... told ya so! Just in case you want to throw something at me! But truly I am jumping for joy at reading this above.

I so clearly remember posting here how I wanted to call newT "MY T" when I got to a certain point with him. It really felt good to do that. I even went in to session the next time and told him. He already knew about the Board and I told him that I would call him newT and oldT was my T and then he became MY T and I was glad he was. He was beaming with happiness when he heard this. He thanked me for telling him and saying it was important for him to know this.

When I see him tomorrow (day before our one year anniversary!) I will tell him that I have also now changed my Avatar, letting go of oldT even more. I will also give him the little crystal lighthouse I bought him.

Tiny steps Beebs. Little by little we heal and grow and learn to trust and learn we are not bad or unsavable. We were just in bad therapy with T's who were not equipped to help us with this. I just wanted to point out to you that when you leave "your T" and don't have that awful angst it's not because you don't have feelings for him but because he is regulating your emotions and calming your nervous system (like a good attachment figure should) and you leave him feeling contained and secure, knowing you will see him the following week and he will be there the same T as always, just waiting for you.

Thank you for what you share of your sessions. It's a beautiful thing to read about and I'm very happy for you.


TN
nobledaughternobledaughterMember
I feel all your good tonight. I am happy to feel it. It feels so good that with some of my pain, I want to cry. But the tears would not be sad tears I don't think. More tears of gratitude for the deep relationships we can develop and the way we on this board know how to love. My heart aches with my own stuff and I know if I use my DBT skills it will help. My heart is "pinging" for all of us and I will hold on to that.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
((( Beebs )))

Your therapy sessions sound like they're getting better and better and YOU sound so much calmer and more certain of things, which must be a big relief after the emotional maelstrom of therapy with GuruT. And I too love that you are now wanting to call Cowboy YOUR T - that does mark a big shift in how you're feeling about him and the therapy.

I'm sorry though that GuruT still exerts so much power over you and your feelings. The strength of the bond you developed with him was pretty intense, all I can say is 'give it time'. Vacuous words I know, I just wanted to let you know that it's ok and I hope you aren't beating yourself up about how you still feel so strongly about GuruT.

Great to hear about your current therapy though, way to go!

LL
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Thank you TN, ND, and Lampers!! TN, I remember you getting to that point where you could call him "your T" too, and so I understood it when I went through it myself. You are right Lampers, it may have been one-sided, but I did develop a very strong, albeit, probably unhealthy (so he said, off and on) bond to him. Sometimes he would tell me that he was concerned that my attachment was developing in an unhealthy way, and then say..that his concern had somehow been alleviated...without telling me *how* it had been alleviated. arg. I'm really struggling about him tonight. I should stop. I'm triggered because a friend totally used me all day yesterday, and then left town, called my H and told him that I have to go and clean up the mess she left at the place she was staying. Frowner If I don't do it, it will be complicated and bad in many ways that I can't go into because they are so complicated, and it's just bringing back foo stuff, and Dr. ***** stuff, I suppose.
It's great to have that calm and normal presence in my life, a place to turn about the tough stuff. I don't know why I was never able to "go there" with Dr. *****, even though clearly, he wanted me to. It doesn't feel at all dramatic emotionally with Cowboy, therapy just feels like.. a normal conversation about really tough stuff with a relative stranger that I like and respect, who is really good at remaining very friendly, very open, and totally neutral. He is the most non-defensive person I have ever met! It is the strangest thing, that this would work, when it was everything I railed against so strongly with Dr. *****... sometimes I think that it is because he "prepared" me for therapy, so that he is the reason that I am able to accept the therapeutic boundaries now, where I couln't do it before. But sometimes I think that it was because of the inconsistent way that he presented those boundaries, and maybe the relationship failing really wasn't all my fault. I struggle with this. Still. Can't talk about my previous therapy with Cowboy very much yet. I think I space those parts out. I remember vaguely having a convo about it once and crying a lot. I need Ginko boloba before tough sessions or something... Roll Eyes
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Thank you Morgsie...big stretchy hugs to you, too!! Big Grin I'm getting there. Slow but sure. And I am more settled, I do dip from time to time, but the meds are helping. It makes me shocked at *how* bad, I felt for *so* long, when I realize I'm still no great shakes, but a million times better than I was. yikes!

Love to you, and "the mutt." I also wanted to thank you for understanding the difficult stuff that it is so hard to put into words about this, before. ((((Morgs))))

BB

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