Thank you both for your insights.

((muff)) - you are so complimentary - thank you I tend to write how I speak on here (casually) and I'm glad it comes across well. Do you read any recovery books? I find them difficult to read because the few I have are "uplifting" and "inspirational". I watch a lot of documentaries, specifically war/political/theology documentaries (I wanted to be a history teacher until I realized I'd set myself up for a life of poverty when I could keep my research as a hobby). What I really like about history (particularly non-biographical) is the struggle and how it relates to the start and the end. I don't really care for detailed account of abuse, or the kitten, unicorn and rainbow happiness which I believe doesn't exist (healing doesn't mean you avoid life tragedies or future struggle). Sorry, I went down a tangent there. I do think you are right though, a lot of the writing will be more useful to me... at some point. Despite a lot of it being emotional, maybe I will recognize myself more than I do now.

Hollow, Ah... the shame, yes I've managed to completely avoid bringing up the content whatsoever. I'm sure I will eventually, it's just that it is emotional and symbolic more than anything. I have to explain to my T what they are about - I suppose... I don't ask her, and she doesn't tell me what she thinks they are about because it's like asking a 3 year old what their picture of a pink, and purple blob is. It would hurt their feelings if you didn't see the OBVIOUS giraffe amid what truly appears more to be a car. It is like having mini flashbacks. I think it is brave you share the things you do too... (and we're all easily hypocrites - even our Ts... who can give advice they may not necessarily follow at home). After you overshare, how do you process?

I've still been oversharing, somewhat... mostly because I realize... I'm going to have these flashbacks anyway - might as well do it while they come up. At the same time, it's hard when they aren't coming up... to continue.

I'm missing my T a lot today... I feel instantly disconnected and far away from her, not something I normally feel. (I've been struggling with connection recently).. I've been reading some stuff she wrote to help, and it has been... just..... slowly lol.

Catalyst, I have that problem too. In fact, in my last session I mentioned something briefly that I remembered from a trauma I had (assault), and then the very next morning I was panicking wondering if my T thought I was disgusting for telling him about that. I wanted to drive to the office and barge in and ask him, I was that worried.

But a few years ago when I told him I regretted saying something, he told me that he considers the really vulnerable things I say a gift to him and he feels honored to hear it. I think it's a good thing and shows you trust your T too. ~D.

((Debbye)) Oh gosh... I always worry my T thinks I'm disgusting too. It takes a lot to stop myself from calling the second I walk out of session just to apologize for everything I've said. I feel like I need one of those men in black memory eraser things... so I'll say what I want during therapy, blank my Ts mind, and give her some other memory of what I talked about LOL. But... it helps that she remembers. My T has a line "Thank you for telling me that." That sounds dry, but it's not dry when she says it... there is also the stuff about my thoughts/feelings being important. I treasure those sentiments but at the same time taking them in sort of means I have to validate what I said or how I felt... pfft. That's not happening so I sort of coyly move on as FAST AS POSSIBLE from dealing with it. I am so thankful to know another T says that stuff too heheh

((Hollow)) I've done the severing of connection too. Since the beginning, I'd get too close to my T and I immediately have to denounce the importance of my therapy, or connection, etc. I think I don't worry as much about her leaving me as I worry about... I just need to leave HER asap. I don't look at my T at times too, ugh and it DOES make things so much harder. I do hope too that we can both get the connection back. Relationally I feel like a feral cat, I approach relationships with my back and hair up bouncing sideways and running away and hissing and just generally being confusing and looking crazy. Ha! Maybe it could be a giraffe in a flying car... you're right!

Hi Cat & co,

Pfff, I only yesterday e-mailed a letter to my T, disclosing THE two most painful and embarrassing thinks I have been struggling with for a loooong time. I asked her for a response, telling her that I found the idea of having to wait until the next session intolerable. Shortly after that I sent her a purely practical e-mail asking if she could exceptionally schedule my usual weekly session at a later hour. Strangely, I recieved a reply to the second e-mail this morning, saying that a rescheduling wasn't possible and we would see each other in two weeks and NO mention whatsoever to my first e-mail. I feel incredibly confused and hurt. I hope she's just taking her time to read my stuff and to reply to it appropriatly or she's trying to elicit some conflict with me. Me not being able to stand up for myself, is an issue we have been working on lately. Anyway, I feel 'wrong' again in every way, too needy, too dependent, worthless and repulsive. I am doing my very best not to, but it's soooo hard. I keep feeling there's something I must be doing wrong. I thaught we had a valuable, sincere therapeutic relationship going but all this is very destabilizing. I know I'll have to talk it over with her but, f*ck, right now I've just had it with having to explain myself over and over again.
I wouldn't mind some compassionate comments on this one. I'm in that kind of state.