Today, I shared a poem with my T. It went in conjunction with a gift I gave her in my prior session - I've never given her something before.
It took until the very end of session (as in, once I was done it was immediately time to wrap up just in time - I left still shaking but it wasn't in a bad way) and after a period of attempting to bargain with my T about half sharing, or giving it to her and running I started from the beginning of the 2 page poem all the way to the end. From the first word to the last!
It was rushed, imperfect, I cracked a little near the end and when I was finished immediately folded it and handed it to her.
What was the most distressing but also the best was her reaction, or should I say non-reaction. Her entire focus and mine was on me sharing - getting it out. She didn't interrupt it with her own feelings. She was grateful, said she was honored, enjoyed it but wasn't moved. Not that I should expect her to be but it was different than a personal exchange you'd have with any normal relationship.
A smart friend of mine suggested I ask her and I think next session I will and see if she can tell me a bit of her experience so I can relate it to mine and ask some general life questions I have about sharing myself. I know she will tell me only as much as she is willing and I can handle. So while on one hand I feel completely robbed of a reaction - I didn't get to know what she felt - I do now (after a few hours, finally) feel like... wow I got to share and it was about ME. I wrote a poem for my T but about MY feelings and that was all that mattered and so if I think about it... it wasn't less, it was just concentrated. I'd have immediately tuned in to her and reacted (even if positively or more emotionally) and she wanted the experience to be my own.
That's a lot of sacrifice. She was appreciative but very reserved. She's a T who tries to be very "real" but is very careful and she knows I spook easily. I've constantly found her meeting me where I am and have experienced asking for things and getting them because it meant I was ready (either for no, or yes). I think if I ask she might tell me a bit more - I definitely think seeing her reaction could be helpful but in the right context - today wasn't the right place for it because it was really unnatural and scary for me.
At the time, and shortly after I didn't really appreciate it but reflecting on it. Wow! I've not really had someone I've cast in the authority role, aside from T2 but I have a different flavor of relationship with her, accept something I gave them as an expression of ME rather than an expression of them. And honor my experience more, or even as much as their own (I've had a tendency in my love relationships, and with my parents obviously to be involved with very self-focused people who allow me to take care of them so I can avoid my own feelings and they can get their maladaptive things met also).
I wanted to give a positive example of reserve and restraint, so here it is
I have to wait until next Thursday to reconnect and let her in again. She takes such amazing care of me and I think because of that my pushing away was very strong. 
