wow, that hurts. was it just that she didn't have the right tools for what you need?

i finally, 4th t, had to go to someone who specializes in my flavor of insanity, bpd, to have hope that someone can handle me, and still no guarantees.

she is going realy slowly, but i will say, dbt therapy, her brand, seems pretty targeted for emotional regulation, dissociation, black and white thinking...my biggest issues...also, this mindfulness concept, although i am not anywhere close to being able to do it, is a direction that i think alot of the newer based therapies are trying to incorporate. and, a peace making concept for anyone.

sheychen, maybe you can find someone more suited to you. and this will be a gift to get you on a better course. i would start looking for someone in the meantime, that way you aren't left dry at the end of the year, and who knows, you might be done with her before her projected time.

Oh Sheychen, I really wish I had some words to help you through this. I know how much your T means to you....this is sooo hard. I am shocked that she would share this with you via email rather than in person as it is obvious from your previous posts that she deeply cares for you and I feel that was insensitive on her part to leave you alone with this information.
Good for you for your determination to be okay but I hope you also allow yourself to feel however you feel. It is okay not to be okay.

I am so sorry.

Sending you hugs.

Butterfly

Thanks Guys, oscillating between feeling shock, feeling grief, feeling numb, feeling huge sadness, feeling upset, feeling my fighting spirit return, feeling shock etc round an dround.


and strangely - some relief.

((((( Sheychen ))))

I am so so sorry - getting that email must have spun you out big time. I’ve just started a new thread about Ts who dump clients, I have to say your T is at least giving you a decent amount of time to try and deal with this, and is promising to help you find another ‘more suitable’ T. That’s about the only consolation in any of this, that you aren’t being rejected from one session to the next. Not that that makes it any better, sorry.

I’m rather pleased to read that in amongst all the awful feelings, there’s a tiny bit of relief. Can I assume that you’ve had a few doubts about your therapy recently and maybe her email has confirmed your own perceptions of something not quite right anymore - but at least you now know it’s not you, it’s her.

Again not that that’s any comfort either.

I’m just so so sorry Sheychen, please know that we’re here for you to hear whatever you need or want to say about this awful time you’re going through.

LL

Sheychen... I'm not longer posting on OF but I feel compelled to respond to your sad post. I'm so terribly sorry for what happened with your T and as one who is still terribly wounded from an abrupt harmful termination I do understand your pain. And i'm not going to say that you are better off or that you will find a better T or that you will get past this because that will not help you now. My heart goes out to you in your pain.

What I will tell you though is at least you have some time. If I had that time I would get ALL my questions asked and answered as best as possible, I would talk about the highs and lows of the work with her and what she sees as the f the breakdown in therapy, I would ask to see and review my file, clear up any hanging insurance issues and lastly.... I would leave FIRST. As you get near to the end of the year don't wait until the last appointment she gives you. Leave her first so that will empower you to move on and feel that it was your choice to leave. I'm sorry I didn't do this. I wish I had the opportunity to do that... to walk away first without warning. So that it would be MY choice not his to just abandon me.

I hope you are doing okay. Please keep posting.

TN

((((((((((((((SheyChen))))))))))))))

I don't have much time to write right now, SheyChen, but I just wanted to say I am SO very sorry this has happened to you, I am SO sorry your T has let you down so badly. I know everything in you is probably screaming the opposite right now, but this happened because of HER shortcomings, not yours (by the way LL your other thread ROCKS, thank you for writing it ) Keep breathing, SheyChen...keep writing...hang in there...you are among friends here, and we care about you very much. You don't have to walk through this alone. And believe it or not you WILL make it through this.

Many many hugs,
SG

SheyChen...just another note to remark on what you said about there being a small amount of relief...Lamplighter and Ultraviolet noticed it too...I remember feeling that, too, when my T terminated with me...as if some part of me had "known" all along that something wasn't right. So I just wanted to let you know I don't think your relief is strange at all. In fact it would probably be a good idea to tie a knot and hang on to it, if you can...let it help you through this.

SG

UV... I know you were only trying to help and I don't think you should delete anything. Perhaps your suggestions are what Sheychen needs to hear. As for me... when others told me these things (and I'm not saying it was you) it just seemed to devalue the relationship I had with my T that was formerly so close, deep, intimate and caring solely in a therapeutic way but nevertheless very valuable and important to me and non-interchangeable with other therapists. Knowing there were other good Ts out there did not ease my pain. It's like if your spouse or child suddenly dies... would people immediately tell you that this now gives you the opportunity to find a better child or spouse? My attachment was and remains extremely strong to my T and no one will ever replace him in my life because no one else is him. If I'm fortunate I will find someone else in time that I will be able to work with in therapy but you can be sure I'll never allow another attachment to form. Too risky.

I don't say any of this to make you feel bad or offend you I'm just trying to explain why when people told me I would find someone else and be happy that this happened one day it made me hurt even more. Attachment figures are just not interchangeable... for me anyway.

I hope you understand.

Now I'm going back into exile since I seem to upset things when I venture out.

TN

Sheychen,

I am so sorry to hear this news. I don't have anything really helpful to add, but want you to know that I'm thinking of you and know this must be so hard. ((((hugs))))

TN: I had that very discussion with my T when we talked about what would happen if she died. She insisted that I might find a better T and I said that it wouldn't be HER. Yes, I may find someone else and even be able to work with them and go on with my healing journey, but she is not replaceable as she is a human being first and foremost and my attachment to her does not end if she is gone, but I also don't cease to exist if she is gone at the same time.

I feel DEEPLY supported by all of you. I only came here a few weeks ago, horribly hurting from the tangle of therapy I was in, little knowing that my T would end it.
I would like to answer and thank you one by one, but my head is in such a jumble right now.
It is 3.30am in the morning and needless to say I cannot sleep.

I do still feel relief, under the pain and the agony. We had been misunderstanding each other so deeply and I felt I was putting so much time into untangling our misunderstandings. It was the first time I have worked with someone who just KEPT getting the wrong end of the stick and taking things personally and getting all upset.
I think the major difference is this person is a counsellor, she is not psychology trained and she is not a psychotherapist and she was actually out of her depth once the old traumas started surfacing. I initially 'presented' with issues from being bullied at work. That was summer 2009. But of course as I started talking with her, it became clear that I had stuff around trusting and stuff around being raped in india and actually underneath it all, the rage and pain of the six month old baby scalded and trapped in running boiling water. Which I really truly faced today in my blog. good timing huh.

And this counsellor was way out of her depth. So i feel at least she is caring enough to acknowledge that. I had actually been telling HER that since about June but I was (am?) very attached to her. As you know from other posts I have started.

I do think that telling me by email was off. but also, when I reflect on that, when I walk into the therapy room, I am about three so no three year old is going to hear that her counsellor is walking away from her and respond rationally. So I think my C was trying to tell the adult me and email is the way to do that.

Even in this termination email she says that she is tired of me saying she doesn't care. I had just sent her a copy of an email to my previous therapist where I am saying that I think the small baby part of me just needs LOTS of care. Note how I said nothing about my present C, I just say in general that the baby part of me needs care and to be not ignored. But of course, again, the C reads that as me saying she is ignoring me and she does not care. Sigh.

Also, I had a bad day on Friday and spent the night with images of India and was very retraumatised, PTSD at its worst, and then, I hit small baby pain, and it is the small baby that is crying to C on the phone, the first time she ever has.

And when later I reflect on the awful day, it is the me that is so scared and so denying and so suspicious of that most hidden part of me, that most hidden pained part of me, that freaks out and thinks that the small baby MANIPULATED the whole crisis so that she could get more hearing and more heard.

Well, when i tell my counsellor that I think this might be the case and we must find ways to not allow the small baby part of me to get attention like that, she completely blows up and says that I "created a mega crisis to get whatever time and attention a part of you wants. It seems that your current belief is that if you can get all the holding and visible demonstrations of caring from me, on an open -ended basis and to the degree, intensity and for the length of time you want, then this is going to make all the difference. I am simply not able to meet those needs. "

She is actually furious as she thinks she has been DUPED by me, deceived by me, on Friday. when actually I truly WAS in deep pain, and I was worried after it all subsided a bit, that I could feel a part of my mind, (the baby) well satisfied that she had got all that attention. (see my other post on this topic).

Sigh.

Can you see how we just misunderstand each other? or actually how I am working hard at uncovering the severely traumatised parts of me and she is taking what they do and say personally and getting all upset.

When I first started working with her, I did not feel she was up to working at depth, but I thought I was simply working on some heavy issues about bullying at work. I thought she was at least someone to off load onto each week.



And I agree with what most of you are saying: that this is actually a good thing, i shall have to end, ( I could not have ended it myself for two reasons 1. i am an abuse survivor - we stay WAY too long in abusive unhelpful situations! 2. my little child me and my baby me LOVE her and feel so dependent on her.

So SHE has ended it, with ten sessions, I think, to go. Enough time to resolve things. I do wonder if there is much point in keeping going as I feel so 'it is pointless - what is there to talk about?" I may not finish to the end 10.

I have some EMDR lined up for Dec 6th onwards. I set them up on Saturyday before all this blew up.

I do still feel relief, under the pain. You all picked up on that ... I have been struggling to get this woman to understand me and we just have NOT been communicating well at all.

It is like there is so much stuff going on from her side that she cannot hear me no matter how much I point out that she is not hearing me, she is hearing what SHE thinks I said.

sigh.

I did fear when I read the email, that I would go under. That I would take it all to heart and feel really bad about myself, that I am so awful, that I so not okay, but actually I feel relief that this woman has finally admitted that she knows NOT A CLUE about PTSD and that I need someone skilled and trained in that.

And also that she would not admit that for the last four months.

Urgh. I am glad this site is here, imagine me trying to go through this on my own. It was funny really, cos several of you were hinting that she might terminate and I thought "she would never do that, she has sworn that she will stick by me no matter what, that she has unconditional acceptance and care for me" but actually your warnings went in and I began to think she might give up on my, about ten days ago. so in a way a part of me was slightly aware this unthinkable thing might happen.

I don;t right at this moment take it personally. I feel that I am really going deep in my own personal work, my blog shows that, and that i am deeply traumatised and have the attendant feelings and symptoms around that and this time of year is the anniversary of the rapes and so usually a very volatile time for me. And I feel great success, achievement in breaking through to the pain of the littlest part of me, seeing how that part of me feels and knowing where all this recent rage and anger and howling has come from. I worked hard to get at that. Also, I shared with her last session (was it only last session, it feels like a fortnight ago at least) something that I found very very difficult to share and I also can't help wondering if she found that disclosure too much, that it triggered her, and she is not sufficiently aware enough to acknowledge that,

I suppose I had better go back to bed and try and sleep.

I do feel strangely, that there is nothing WRONG with me, I am just experiencing the normal reactions and symptoms that human beings have on going through extreme trauma. I am not mad, I am not a nutter, I am experiencing the re surfacing of the pain around traumas that I was not able or safe enough to experience at the time. And that is what happens. And she could not handle the intensity of that. She fought long and hard to not give me stepping stones, and in the end I got a ten minute phone call half way through the seven days. and she resented that.
So it was never going to work was it really, me constantly asking for better stepping stones, and she says in her termination letter that 'you continue to seek stepping stones ie availability and contact from me outside sessions to a degree which I am simply not able to provide."

Clear or what?

A ten minute phone call half way through the seven days was considered already beyond the call of duty. and I, foolish me, was asking for a short phone call or text every other day right now. Foolish me.

I feel sad. I feel sad that she could not meet me as I am, that she constantly got her own feelings and reactions in the way.

I feel sad that I persevered for so long

I feel very concerned, and worried, about how I shall find someone else and whether we can pay for a private therapist.

I feel anxious about seeing her on Wednesday and how that session will go. Do I walk in and just accept the whole mess, or do I do one last try and untangling the misunderstandings that led her to terminate? Knowing me I shall have one last try at the untangling.

But I really do not want to see her in the street. I do spend time in the place where she lives and it is bound to happen one day that I bump into her. Yuck.

she also has been patronising on and off. Talking to me like I am not an intelligent Stanford post grad with a career that proved that i am a caring intelligent insightful person.

But I think that was because I would go there for my younger aspects of my self, and so she was confused.

Oh well, onward and forward. I hope one day I shall post here that I have a much better T and that I am working so much faster and clearer, without all the hassle of spending so much of my session time trying to clear up the latest hurt or misunderstanding of my T. I do hope that i will get there. I already have some hope in the psychologist that I saw last week, he seemed to understand the implications of PTSD immediately and it was like "wow! you understand me before I have to even try to explain!". I am hoping he will take me on. Or find someone to take me on.

If you pray, pray for me. If you don;t pray, keep me snug in your hearts as it will be a painful few days, whatever happens.

And again thank you all,
thank you BG, Jill (yes, will try to find someone more suited to me, good advice) Butterly for being so very understanding of my pain and the shock around it being disclosed via email, Ultraviolet - spot on, lets hope this is so; LL yes it is a decent amount of time to end, though I doubt I will keep going for long as it drags it out too much too, and yes, the relief, well spotted; TN so kind of you to write and with such genuine sympathy, thank you and good suggestions about how to use our time left together, you are a gem, keep posting; StrummerGirl: wow, you really HUGGED me there, and I feel your strong energy supporting me! yea;
JaneDoe, you are right, it DOES feel hopeful, I was actually flogging a dead horse and it was exhausting me and her. So kind of you to share your own pain around termination, hey,- I am not the only one to be dumped by a T becos they could not cope. A relief to know. And I appreciate your care, your deep care, and I feel heartened to know that you guys will be supportive in the long journey out of this relationship and into find and working well with a more experienced and skilled T.
Oh and on TN's last note, yes, attachment figures are taken in to ones heart. I have a piece of my heart given over to this Counsellor and I have learnt to love her and trust her, and so I can only move on thanking her for the work we have done together, regretting that she was not skilled enough (but not saying that to her perhaps!) and appreciating the time and effort she has put in, which has obviously felt so hard for her. I hope I remember her with fondness and appreciation for doing what she could when out of her depth. We cannot cut them out of our hearts. Too painful and not sensible really when we have been so deeply attached to them.

I think when she went away for two weeks (and I had not come to this forum yet) it was agony and she had no understanding of the agony but felt she had gone beyong the call of duty by lending me her cardigan, that I knew she was not aware of the level of pain I had about the separation. Maybe she has never addressed her own abandonment and seperation issues and so I am just triggering her and she wishes I would shut up as she had to shut up??? who knows.
and then when we met up again, she imposed a nine day gap - which is about when you guys met me about two or three weeks ago and she has not YET acknowledged, heard, how AWFUL that was for me, she just feels HURT that I was hurt and raging about it.

sigh

wow, this is almost a book

I must try to sleep.

I pray that I won't go under adn will fight back in the best sense. I wish AG was here to make some comments, might pm her and see if she will read this post.
but I deeply deeply appreciate your help and support at this terribly difficult time. And hey, I am not dying, I am only being cdumped by a counsellor who is out of her depth and worse things happen on this planet each day and yes, i am not going to minimise my pain around either, hey - you will probably be seeing posts go up fairly shortly all about THAT!


bye for now

Wow, Sheychen - even before I read this post I wanted to comment here to say the work you are doing, and the courage you are doing it with, is amazing. Now I REALLY want to say that!

I've been having a read of your blog, and I too am horrified at what you have been through. And I'm deeply admiring of your bravery in facing unimaginable pain, turning to it and looking it honestly in the face. I wish you great and deep healing. It seems to me that you are - incredibly tenaciously - doing wonderful work towards that, and your determination not to be thrown off that work by these very painful circumstances is breathtaking.

Your C's reactions - yes, I agree she was way out of her depth. What you discerned in your trauma cries on Friday seems to me to be a really subtle, delicate and precious thing - that you could be experiencing the agony of the trauma, letting it surface, letting yourself share it and reach out in need while also having some self-awareness about what was going on. This seems to me a seed of healing for that terrible trauma. You found it for yourself. She doesn't get it, but it's yours - you still have it, and you can perhaps keep it safe until you find someone who can truly help you grow that seed.

I'm sorry for your loss in the end of working with her and I wish you well for the next difficult steps.

Jones

Thanks Jones, I do feel like i am working tenaciously and with huge courage, that I am absolutely determined to heal and that i am fighting with all my strength the pains and hurts that seem so overwhelming at times.
I wish I could sleep though. I have adrenaline pounding through me so I must be in high adrenaline state. i guess I can go for a swim again and pound it off or go for a fast walk. The fact taht I can do these things, shows that pre termination email, I was actually beginning to turn around and now can get myself OUT.

I woke up with a feeling a big aching hole in the centre of my chest. Urgh. Just hurting there, and nothing I can do except be kind to myself.

I kick myself now for not changing her earlier, but I did infact go to my doctor in June and ask to see the clinical psychologist and ask him for a trauma specialist. And I got that referral come through last week and saw him. So i WAS working on it. Unfortunately, my work with my C suddenly went deeper from June and that had me deeply up to my elbows in it all.

It is all very sad. I just find it very sad.

hey ho, have to get on with a day which has nothing in it but a walk maybe and then I have to teach a class this evening. Quite a tricky class on how to look after yourself whilst in difficult emotional states. Like I have THAT one sussed!!

I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out with her, Shaychen. You have such a strong understanding of your inner child, it’s very impressive. I’m happy you’re on this forum

Hi Sheychen,
May I first add to the chorus of voices agreeing that you are facing this pain and handling this crisis really well. But I am sorry for the very deep pain you're in. My first T left her practice to go back to school having decided that she was going to pursue a different course than clinical practice. We had a very significant relationship as we had worked together for several periods over a 20 year span, and I had just experienced a series of devastating losses. I know how much it hurt to hear she was leaving (I was crying before the sentence actually finished leaving her mouth. For which I felt very guilty because I didn’t want to make what was obviously a very difficult thing to do even harder. She was holding back tears when she told me.) but she was leaving all her patients, not just me. So I can only imagine how it hurts to have your T specifically ask you to leave. The questions about “if she really cares about me, how could she leave me knowing how much I need her?” definitely resonated with me and I again I cannot imagine how much more powerful they must be for you. But I learned several very important things through that experience which I believe apply even more for you.

One was, despite appearances, my T cared for me very deeply, even loved me. (We actually said I love you to each other at our last session so no doubt in my mind. ) But even when people love us very deeply, sometimes they have to leave us. Not because of who we are, but because of what they need to do. I recently posted on another thread that other people’s boundaries tell us about them, NOT about us. So your T referring you out doesn’t say anything about youit only says things about her. Some of which when you can hear them, I think will be comforting. I know the obvious response to this is “but she said she can’t handle me!” But the truth is she cannot handle what was done to you, not you in and of yourself. Your response to your trauma is reasonable one, a human one, and one that most people would have if they had been forced to experience what you did. In other words, this is NOT pathology, this is you struggling to come to terms and heal with what is an impossible situation. Literally, the nature of trauma is that it overwhelms us. So it’s not remarkable that you would be having intense emotions and affects, what is remarkable is your courage is facing the pain so that you can heal. Sadly, what this really says about you and your T is that you are much stronger than she is.You have been able to live through what happened and it is too much for her to hear.

The second was, that I would never have chosen to leave my first T but the truth was, I think we had been stuck for awhile. I think I needed to work with a man in order to face some of my issues. Her leaving is what lead to me working with my present T and being able to accomplish more healing than I honestly thought possible. So even though it felt like a nightmare when it happened, in the end it turned out to be a good thing. Cold comfort right now I know, but I share it in the hope that it will provide you with hope for a better outcome.

I can certainly understand why part of your feelings include relief. I think from everything you’ve said about your T, that she does care deeply about you, but either does not have the experience or hasn’t dealt enough with her own stuff to keep her feelings clear and make this about you. One of the difficulties in working with trauma patients IS the distrust, anxiety and rage we often carry. A good T has to be able to hear all those feelings, even when directed against them, without taking it personally. My T raised non-defensiveness to a high art. I asked him about it once and he very wryly told me he was much better about it now than he was at the beginning of his practice. He also had a deep understanding of exactly why I would feel the way I did, and trusted himself enough to know that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I don’t think your T could stay centered enough in the face of your pain to stay grounded. Which is what you needed in order to contain your emotions. Since part of what was traumatic when we experience our injuries was that our own emotions overwhelmed us, it is essential that the person helping us to face those emotions now, stays grounded. I have NEVER experienced my T as scared in a session. (That’s not to say he has never been so, but it was his feeling and kept to himself.) so much so that he shared a story with me once about his being scared and I literally was having a hard time because I couldn’t imagine him scared. And I’m sure that there may have been times when I hurt my Ts feelings (I got angry and/or accused him of some pretty bad stuff at times) but again, I never heard about those feelings. I’m sorry that it’s hard for your T to keep getting accused of not caring, but that’s HER JOB. If she’s having difficult feelings it’s her responsibility to handle those feelings outside your sessions in her own therapy, supervision, or other supports she has in place.

Which brings me to the good part about your T. I have a lot of respect for how she is handling this. I believe her motivation is at least in part making sure that you receive the care you need. The fact that she is willing to face that she is in over her head and cannot help you, and that she is willing to admit that are no small things. She is doing exactly what a T should do in this situation. Setting up a transistion time, giving you time to process the ending, and making sure that you have someone who can help you. I know that you are in a lot of pain now Sheychen, but I also think it could actually have been worse pain and more damaging down the line if she failed to act now.
The truth is, if she cannot handle what happened to you, and how you are behaving in response to it, then you were not safe with her. In which case, it becomes a re-enactment of the abuse, where the other person ends up making it about their needs at the expense of yours, which deepens the trauma instead of leading to it healing.

BTW, when you mentioned that she is not trained in psychology, this made even more sense. Even for trained professionals, trauma patients can be a difficult population to work with. The therapist has to really understand themselves and understand and trust the process because it is long and painful and it can be easy to get discouraged. I can understand why someone without the training might be overwhelmed.

And I have to say that choosing to do this through email was pretty sucky, but to extend grace to your T which we allstand in need of, facing up to her own inadequancy and admitting it to her was probably a pretty scary thing to do, so I can see where she resorted to email to make it more bearable. So I think you have every right to be angry about her handling it that way but might also be able to understand why she funked out.

One last thing, about you being worried about being manipulative and trying to get attention. Even if that’s true, I want to quote my T and say “so what? Everyone is manipulative sometimes.”
Again, this is your Ts shortcoming. The boundaries are the Ts responsibility which means that if a patient attempts to manipulate them, they’re supposed to see it coming and not let the patient get away with it. (My T could stop me cold without even breaking a sweat. Manipulation NEVER got me anywhere damnit!) Again trauma patients often are manipulative because actually asking to get our needs met could get us in trouble, hurt or punished. But those needs still needed to be met, so we found other ways. I do want you to know though, that I really don’t know if you were being manipulative, I think you were expressing an actual need from a deep part of you. Again, it was your Ts decision to respond to that, and she’s wrong to now try and make you responsible. One thing that I really appreciated in my T (which also drove me crazy sometimes) was that he never changed. He would respond in the same caring way no matter how I was behaving. I think your T made a mistake by providing more than she normally would. Human beings always respond to positive feedback. I mean, hey, if I though showing up in a purple tutu would have gotten me a hug from my T, I would have showed up every week in a purple tutu! Again, it’s the Ts responsibility.
I hope you can continue to come here and get whatever support you need and that you can find another experienced T who can provide what you need to heal. You are ready to do your part, you just need someone capable of taking you where you need to go.

Oh, one last thing, I know it can feel pointless, going to remaining appts with your T. Expressing ourselves about something we know cannot change often feels like a waste of time. But the truth is, that expressing our feelings and having them understood, even if they don’t change the outcome, is healing in and of itself. The ending may not be able to change, but you are having legitimate feelings about the ending that deserve to be heard.

AG

Gosh so much great and helpful feedback. To UV Maclove and AG, thank you so much. You all give me support and I just thank god and the universe that I found this site when i did .
I got an email from her today saying she hoped I was doing okay and recognising I was probably in a very difficult place, but that she cares deeply and wants to let me know that she will continue to work kindly and supportively with me during the time we have left. I wrote back saying I was hurting badly and how difficult it is, and she replied back that she really hopes I turn up tomorrow as there are some things that need clarifying, as I seem to have some not- clear things about what happened. and then I might probably hurt less.
So i will turn up tomorrow.
I am still stunned how much it HURTS. It actually hurts in my chest, like someone has scooped some of my chest out, and then there is a pressure in that aching space, probably crying bottled up . that painful aching just keeps on going, keeping me awake and I feel such heart rending sadness. And loss. Still. Urgh. But I am doing okay so far, really, considering. I am too tired right now to respond in detail to the posts, but AG - that was a brilliant responce, so detailed and I shall print it out and peruse it at leisure tomorrow, deep thanks S

Sheychen,

Sorry I haven't really been around, but I just saw this and wanted to offer you my support and care during this time.

I know this is incredibly hard to go through. I have histrionic pd and attention-seeking is a big part of it. My old T terminated me because of the lengths I would go to get her attention. (which didn't seem to me like anything extreme and still doesn't)And then the opposite of what I wanted happened and I was pushed away for it.

I hope the time you have remaining with your T can be something good where she takes care of you as you move on and doesn't leave you with things unresolved.

Take care of yourself. I am so sorry this happened.

((((Sheychen))))

Hello Sheychen
What an awful situation for you - I can't add anything to everyone's comments other than many hugs and I'll shed a tear with you. Hope your session goes well.
Morgs

S, you have gotten so much good advise. i feel for you. it is so bewildering to face this. i think, as a whole, this goes to represent the fact that i didn't realize about therapy, is that there are so MANY DIFFERENT FLAVORS of therapy, and one size does NOT fit all. and trauma?? wow, that is a whole nuther ballgame. and i am terrified to 'let it out' with my trauma girl. i don't know if i will ever feel safe again. maybe. people tell me i will. so, let's just keep listening to those people. but, all the best in finding someone suitable.

with trauma, you (i) don't even know what my 'stuff' looks like. i picture spinning heads and green vomit willl ultimately be where i need to get to work this stuff out of me. and that terrifies me.

i would love for someone to post about what indeed it LOOKS LIKE to work out the rage associated with trauma. how deep are the waters? is there another side to the rage? is happiness possible?

'they' tell us it is, S, so, i pray for you to find it. and to take full advantage of this termination phase. i sense you will discover some things through this, kindof with the 'pressure off' for making it a long term partnership, that will move you closer to where you need to be.

i know the attachment is hard to endure. but, what can you do but endure? you are never going to replace this t, but, perhaps, someone will be able to take you farther down the road you ultimately need to travel down than she was able to.

not helpful, i know. but, i will say, there is life on the other side of termination.

good luck to you!! jill

SO I see my counsellor today and she is all " oh the surgery never offered nonending therapy, they have waiting lists etc and I told you that before" (she SO did not, I would have REALLY heard that.) I pointed out that we talked about me really working hard towards Christmas and getting maybe the worst over with by then and then coming out of it so that by next summer I should be doing okay. She said that she did not say she would work with me all that time. in fact she said nothing on that point. It was another of those sessions where it consisted of me saying "I did not say that, you think I said that, but look I have brought the email and I don't say that ANY where" and I did that about 15 times again, at various things she said. It is truly like we speak different languages, I have NEVER had this problem with ANY one before. And she just gets so upset and then flies things back at me. For example when I said, ' you often misunderstand something I have said ' she will say " you are saying I never understand you' " no, I am NOT saying that , I am saying you quite often misunderstand me.' " so you feel misunderstood by people ?" Argghhhh. "no, I feel in here, like right now in this moment, I feel i am trying to say something and you are not hearing me!!"
god, it just went on like that.

Near the beginning she almost started to cry adn you know, i wondered if SHE was the one who needed therapy, I actually said "no, not the crying bit again, really, just listen to me, I am NOT critisising YOU I am just saying that I feel very unheard sometimes!"

I also said " Do you now see there is some very very weird dynamic going on here, like we two are tangled up adn I am not sure whose stuff we are tangled up in. It is like I have got truly under your skin and it is meaning that you can't just CAN"T hear me. and I spent ALL last session saying that and here I am saying it again."

She just rolled her eyes at me. She goes all defensive, like "I shall not listen to this anymore". it is utterly frustrating.

I did say that if SHE is finding this just too much, it is wearing HER down, then she should tell the psychologist that I saw last week and my adult self will understand if she wants to bow out early. She looked hopeful at that.

Talk about shooting myself in the foot - I don't want to finish her cos my LostChild and my LIttlestONe so love her.

At one point, she told me that I took her cardigan and never gave it back!! I offered it back to her and brought it every session so that she could have it back, but she said no, and then she ignored my notes about it and then she accuses me of not only not returning (no one SAId when to return it) and also that I wrote some preemptory notes about it . What? I wrote to her asking if I could swop it, as it had lost her washing powder smell and she ignored that. And then a friend said she thought my C might take 'swop it' for meaning I want to give her one of mine for one of hers, and I cringed. And wrote a note sayin g" Afriend thinks that you might think I wanted to swop it for one of mine, but I just wanted to give it back and take a newer one back" She said I was preemptory: like 'Give me a different cardigan" !!!!!

Oh, I could go on and on, but basically I told the psychologist that if I can work with him, I better just leave my C for HER sake.

Honestly. I feel totally let down here, misunderstood, and working with someone who cannot even see THEIR projections and tangles never mind MINE. More later, as I have to cook dinner.

Just told my husband about the session and he is storming around the house furious at therapists and how incompetent they can be etc etc and I start defending my C as I am very very fond of her and don;t actually like to hear 'bad' things said of her. confusing huh.
But I think she wants out.
My most stable self thinks:
She has truly had enough of me
She actually wishes we weren't working together
she feels I have asked too much of her already (you should have heard her about the ten minute phone calls she had offered on Fri mornings!! - she said " i gave you those two at considerable cost to myself, great difficulty and I had to change my whole day to fit them in" this is the woman who DECIDED it was 9am not me!!!!!! And at that point, I really really heard that any little thing that she has done outside of the therapeutic session once a week, she has stored up as 'you have asked too much of me" and she even said " I go to a hospice you know and sometimes I am sitting with someone dying and you know if you sent me a message then I could not leave that person dying, you are not the only person in the whole world!"
Oh god, it just went on and on, she has some serious bitterness about every little thing I have asked her to do for me. I wonder if she is under such strain that I am just the last straw. She is saying " You ask too much you ask too much" and I have been asking for just a stepping stone of a phone call day three and a text day five. It does not seem a big deal to me. But SHE says.: " my supervisor says this is not good for you." and I say "well I don't think much of your supervisor's understanding of trauma" and she says " well you wouldn't like my supervisor cos they say no and create and insist on boundaries for you. YOu want me 24/7"
Me: " When HAVE I EVER asked for 24/7?!!! Can you HEAR yourself, can you HEAR what you are saying, Where is this all coming from>"

She says, :this is what I FEEL, that you are never endingly WANTING from me:
Ah ha, now we are getting somewhere ...

Well, I say, what if that is not true, what if you just thought to ask what my needs might be? What my stepping stones might be? Huh?
Her: you even distrupted my whole Friday for you and your so called crisis,
ME:
i WAS upset, I WAS hurting, AND I also had a very raging, hurting small baby me inside howling at you and I TOLD you (stupic me for being so hoenst with my T) that she was PLEASED, that baby me, with how much attention she got. Does that NEGATE her need to be heard, the pain she was in?"
Her: but doesn't that just show how much you just are going to keep taking and I can't meet those needs?
Me: and WHEN exactly have I had a crisis before? I have been working with you for 16 months and that was the only one? Why are you presuming that is going to be the norm?
Her: you keep asking for more?
Me: when did I ask for more? I gave up asking about three weeks ago!
Her: but you had this so called CRISIS and disrupted me and the surgery team and a doctor and we can't just can't meet those kind of needs and you need mental health crisis teams. I cannot just cannot give you anymore than just one session a week and even that we are shortening.


Oh it just went on and on and on and one. I am only remembering about 10% of it as you can imagine that a lot can be said in 2 hours.

I do truly think I need out of there, that although we have worked well for a while, when it has got tough , she is JUST a counsellor, just a 'sorry you got laid off work' counsellor.

She just gets SO UPSET. Over and Over.

there was no question of how my little me or my lostchild me were coping with this devastating news. She did not even want to know.

I feel more angry and annoyed than anything right now.

(((((sheychen)))))

As I read this I was actually tense. I felt my shoulders finally drop once I reached the end. Not that you said or did anything wrong, but my goodness I could just imagine that being my old T and even my current one. If you weren't in the UK I would SWEAR that she was my old T. Sounds so so so so so much like the way she acted toward me.

And the whole while I'm reading thinking "what the hell?!" What is wrong with these people (Ts)? Why can't they handle their jobs? Why can't they even just take responsibility for their inability to deal with it? I have yet, Yet to see someone say that the T took full responsibility for the crappy ending. And they should. Unless we are threatening, abusive, harmful, or completely out of control, then they are responsible for our feelings about the therapy.

I read once where if the reader does not understand a book's message then it is the fault of the author, not the reader. The same basis applies. If the therapy is confusing and tormenting, then it is the fault of the therapist.

Sheychen, I am sorry to rant here on your thread and to be so bitter. It's just that I've been reading through your posts and you're reminding me of myself and your T is sounding an Awful lot like mine. I guess I am afraid as I can see this similar scenario playing out between her and I.

I am sorry, it just really upsets me whenever this happens to one of us and I get really angry at the Ts. And how, How is it we understand each other so well when they cannot? How does this happen? really, they are the experts? Yet your words make such sense to me. Your troubles seem to resonate with me and I could only want to offer you kindness and at the very very very least, I can just offer you the opportunity to be heard. To read your words and hear your pain. But why is this so hard for them to do and to maintain over time? It seems we build up on them and everything becomes so overwhelming. As I feel I am struggling with this now, I am even more bitter these days, so I please hope you do not take offense to anything I've said.

(((((hugs))))))

Thanks Forlorn, so kind of you to comment and so sorry you too are having a really bumpy ride with your T. I too get mad, that the T cannot see what is going on, or throws it back at me.
We are in some strange dynamic that neither her nor me can see clearly or stop.
I feel sick about it, it is so awful.

Wow Sheychen what a nightmare! Well all I can say is it’s a good thing she’s showing her true colours. Talk about bringing her needs feelings and demands into therapy! Everything she said is SO unreasonable, and tricksy with it to boot - trying to offload everything onto you, and wow that must have felt like a boot in the stomach the way she was talking about what happened last week. I’m so glad you can feel angry about it, because she’s so totally acting in a very very very bad way - not even being ‘just’ a counsellor excuses the way she is treating you right now.

Huh hiding behind the NHS set up too. Man I’m almost speechless with indignation. And I’m really really sorry you’re having to go through this. I just hope that you are able to maintain that sense of its being her stuff, her inadequacies and incompetence and fears that are causing you this pain, and that it’s NOT YOU at all. You really don’t deserve this.

Big hugs to you Sheychen.

LL


p.s. Forlorn, big hugs to you too - you have every right to feel bitter!

quote:

Oh it just went on and on and on and one. I am only remembering about 10% of it as you can imagine that a lot can be said in 2 hours.

OMG Sheychen, how did you even survive this?? What appalling behaviour for a T - potentially so damaging for you! Like Forlorn I was just hunched up with tension and disbelief and anger that she could throw all that crap at you - whether any of it was true or not is totally irrelevant (and I believe you) - you're so right, she needs help! God I hope you find someone else very quickly if only to walk you this this mess! I think if it were me I would not be going back to her - I'd be a little afraid of the hurt she could inflict, even unintentionally!!

I feel sick that this has happened to you and wonder if her behaviour should be reported!

Please keep letting your grief out here - you are so not the problem.
Many hugs S
Morgs

Thanks so much LampLigter.
I have been offered a meeting with the pschologist who I kind of got on with last week, he offered that I could phone him on Friday to tell him what happened today adn then meet him next Monday. And see if he and I could work together, so we are going to discuss that. I am afraid that my T is going to ring him Friday as she wants to know if he will take me on, which would get her off the hook, if he will.
How come in Five weeks, we have lost, her and I, the rapore, the deep intimacy that we used to have for the previous months?? How come we have come to this?
but the way things are going on right now, I don;t WANT any more wrangling with this C. She obviously can't bear how I am being and I can't bear her mishearing me so much.

Sheychen,
I don't know if we have met. I'm kind of hiding out because my T is on a 5 week vacation. One thing you said really struck me and I do not know how to quote what people write so I'll just repeat what you wrote.

"you have a feeling your T is going to ring him on Friday to see if he can take you on". I don't know where you live so I maybe way off base here but where I live a T cannot speak to anyone about you without your written permision.
If this is true where you live and you don't want your current T to speak to the other T regarding you you can request that the new T not speak to her regarding you at all. It is actually a serious violation. So if you don't want them speaking to each other you should let the new T know this.
Like I said I can be way off base here but just wanted to throw it out there for you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a nightmare. Sending healing thoughts your way.

PG

quote:

Originally posted by Sheychen:

I also said " Do you now see there is some very very weird dynamic going on here, like we two are tangled up adn I am not sure whose stuff we are tangled up in. It is like I have got truly under your skin and it is meaning that you can't just CAN"T hear me.

This really stands out for me. I felt this way about my P a lot of the time. Sometimes I'd be sitting there listening to something he was saying about me (like that I have ADD and can't/don't like to read books) and thinking to myself, "Um, NO, that's YOU, again. Not me. YOU don't like to read."

I keep reading all these horror stories of T's who freak out and drop their clients, and I've been wondering what the hell is going on; why can't they handle it?? And I think what you wrote above is really key. It's boundaries, again. Too many T's are getting way too enmeshed with their patients, giving too much of themselves, and then getting burned out and panicking and turning on the clients. I wonder is this is some personality trait that draws a person to be a T in the first place - some kind of superhero complex.

I can see how I do this myself with my husband or even my kids sometimes. I give and give and honestly truly want to be selfless, but eventually the resentment builds up to a level I can't stand and I SNAP.

Giving you her sweater, the phone calls, etc: she wanted to help you and she did these things most likely out of the good of her heart, but it was too much for her. They really need to set better boundaries set up front, at the start, about what they are and are not willing to do. Basically, this is the difference between AG's T and, well, ALL THE REST OF THEM so far.

Thanks Preppie girl, yes I shall ask this psychologist and say I don't want my ex(?!) T talking about me to him.
Also yes, I think that she is burnt out, Echo, I have just added your post as a comment by 'E' on my blog as i think it hits the nail on the head. They want to be super heros, they try hard and then they snap. she has snapped.
but she says it is me who is the problem.
Anyway i have just typed this up on my blog this morning, sorry guys, I am just STILL so full of it. I can't quite believe it is happening to ME
blog
I had NO IDEA she so hugely resented so many things I did or asked.
No idea.
and I don't think she did either.
She was TRYING to be kind and generous in offering me her cardigan but yesterday revealed how much she resented me still having it.
She tried to give me a ten minute phone call but yesterday revealed how much she resented that, how it made her life difficult, disrupted her schedule, upset her, how she resented that.



It seems like she tried so hard to be there for me in the kindest way but building up inside was this volcano of bitterness, accusations, some quite petty and some enormous, and it even seems as though she resented the fact that I am troubled by what I am experiencing as past trauma when she is being with people who are in REAL truama, ie dying, when she visits a hospice.


"I am sitting with someone who is dying and you are texting me because you are feeeling upset and expecting a reply". boy, has she never realised that texts are meant to be inobtrusive, you answer them at some point, not necessarily immediately. that is why you text rather than phone.


oh of course I also heard that she is saying "Your trauma is NOT real, not in comparison to someone dying."


No wonder she found me asking for support between sessions too much.


Her supervisor insisted throughout that I do not have support between sessions unless I am away.
Since about August I was getting deeper and deeper and closer to my core pains and of course hugely worried about the anniversary time and so was trying to find ways to cope through the building intensity. She throws at me that I am getting MORE demanding. This is a failing. I am getting more intense anxiety, pain and struggling. I was hoping she could help with this. I thought it was a sort of progress that I have gone deeper into the things that scare me and frighten me.
I say her supervisor does not understand trauma and I do not respect what her supervisor says about how I should learn to stand on my own two feet with this between sessions.
She says that I do not like her supervisor because her supervisor is telling her to say no to me and I don't like boundaries.
I say that 'no' on this issue of stepping stones right now, is not helpful to me. She says that is because I don't like people saying no and she says that then I always say that they don't care.


To be arguing about cardigans and ten minute phone calls and whether my little child had any right to cry out and ask to be heard, on Friday, - this is all good stuff for therapeutic rupture, but we are not resolving it - we are only hurting each other as the accusations fly back and forth.


She HAS to be right here. She HAS to feel that I have gone too far and that SHE has acted impeccably and done no wrong and she is magnanimously at great cost to herself done her very very best and I am HUGELY unreasonable to not feel that. I am a mental case. She does not see that she carried enormous bitterness about the fact that I have been in serious PTSD for over two months, that she feels it disrupted her life, that she has judged me as being utterly unreasonable and that any of this, that I feel like this, is more ammunition to fire back at me as proof that I am utterly unreasonable. She HAS to be the 'I have tried so hard and done so much for you and you are so ungrateful' kind therapist.
She just cannot see she has undercurrents being triggered left right and centre. For her, I have to be the problem, she has made no mistakes and she is absolutely right in her assessment of this situation.
What a terrible mess.

You know, my very hurt part of me has gone deep into hiding, I am just on surviving trauma mode, you know the bit that gets you out of the situation and away, without crumbling.

Sheychen,
Your C pulled a classic. She didn't maintain her boundaries and let herself feel forced into doing more than she felt comfortable with and then blamed you. This is a classic move for someone with boundary problems (how do I know this you ask? Because I used to pull it on my husband ALL THE TIME.) You took what she did at face value which is what you're supposed to do!! This really is her fault. It was her inability to say no and to draw a line where she felt comfortable that led to this. I know you are in an incredible, confusing amount of pain right now but it really is a good thing in the long run if you could work with a trauma expert.

What I find especially egregious is that she's so busy trying to explain how mistreated she's been (again may I point out that's HER fault!) that she can't hear how you feel. I often expressed irrational doubts, fears and anger to my T and without exception his response was to hear how I was feeling, normalize and put it into the context of what I had experienced and how much sense it made that I would feel that way. ALL of my feelings were always welcome. This woman was obviously just in WAY over her head. I'm sorry that you're the one who has to suffer for it.

AG

quote:

Posted 07 October 2010 06:38 AM Hide Post
Sheychen,
Your C pulled a classic. She didn't maintain her boundaries and let herself feel forced into doing more than she felt comfortable with and then blamed you. This is a classic move for someone with boundary problems (how do I know this you ask? Because I used to pull it on my husband ALL THE TIME.) You took what she did at face value which is what you're supposed to do!! This really is her fault. It was her inability to say no and to draw a line where she felt comfortable that led to this. I know you are in an incredible, confusing amount of pain right now but it really is a good thing in the long run if you could work with a trauma expert.

What I find especially egregious is that she's so busy trying to explain how mistreated she's been (again may I point out that's HER fault!) that she can't hear how you feel. I often expressed irrational doubts, fears and anger to my T and without exception his response was to hear how I was feeling, normalize and put it into the context of what I had experienced and how much sense it made that I would feel that way. ALL of my feelings were always welcome. This woman was obviously just in WAY over her head. I'm sorry that you're the one who has to suffer for it.

AG

Thanks AG - that really helps. I could not work out sometime WHAT I was doing wrong as we had never talked about
1. when or how long or how much I could email
2. how long the cardigan was for, and I thought she was offended by my constant attempts to give it back!
3. and she said it was fine to have 2 hour sessions. but she KEEPs going on about how hard that was for her to arrange, like I OWE her big time, and I did not even know.
I have posted your comments, under AG on my blog cos they are so clear. I have also posted some more reflections on that last session, which I might copy and put here too. I feel so worn down. I feel a bit weird, like I can't tell what is true, right, my stuff, her stuff, it is all just way too muddled. And I have just told her that if she wants out NOW, don;t think of me, just exit now as I don't want her to feel more hurt etc. I think she might with relief take that option. I have to hope that Nick, the psychologist, will be better or find someone better, I have worked so hard and so deep these last 16 months, it would be awful to let it all sink deep back inside again. She is and was WAY over her head, but she doesn't see that.

this is from my blog 'newFinder ' means my counsellor.


Now that I am not quite so upset, let's have another go at seeing what ELSE went on in that session.


She said that I seem to have very little idea that my words and actions can hurt and upset people.


She said that I KNEW there was a boundary and I KNEW I was crossing it, by forcing a 10 minute phone call into a forty minute one. THAT was a boundary and I deliberately broke it.


She said that I did not understand consequences and that now I am raging because I have a consequence from my own actions. I had a major strop and she has been told to implement stricter boundaries, to protect her, the surgery, and also myself really. So these sessions will be wound down. That is the consequence for breaking that boundary. ( I did not know that if my small child came out and howled at her, she would stop working with me. I would not have allowed the small child out at all if I had known that. I think I was testing if she cared. But I was not aware of the many layers of what was going on. Sigh. )


She said that I say deeply hurtful things to her and then get angry because she gets upset. (I think that she HEARS it as a hurtful thing when I am often saying something in general, like 'people don't care', etc. but I am also aware that I feel like I am hitting out.


She says that I am honest when I spot when I am being manipulative but I quite often do not know I am being manipulative.


She said that I have pushed persistently for more time, more of her attention, more of her, more more more.


She cannot give that. She cannot.


She said it FELT to her like it was just escalating and unceasing.


She said that I have a way of behaving that I must have naturally brought into being as a small child that coped with not getting attention for the pain that I carry from the small baby, inside me. that method is still being used as an adult. (I am not sure what it is, but I think I agree with her simply because something very weird is going on and I can't see it.)


She said that I do not understand boundaries at all. (Interestingly I don't take this as a criticism but as a piece of helpful information. I too do not think I understand boundaries. When the small baby starts to scream, a no just feels like a 'Well it was a no, but now it could be a yes." which is what happened on the ten minute phone call strop. So i actually agree with that. But it would help if I could LEARN somehow.)


She said I can often talk or write in a preemptory way seeming very demanding.


So from her point of view, she has just had an incredibly demanding manipulative traumatized client who has in the past, used email, texts, phone, even maybe home phone but I'm not sure, and my blog too probably, to harass her and get more time and attention from her. And I have got at least two appointments with my doctors to talk about this and one home visit. And I just will not let up.



She says I can be very fragile so that pointing out even the slightest thing can seem very hurtful and I start reacting and it sometimes just does not seem worth pointing ANY thing out incase it causes me to get all upset and in a spin which takes us several sessions to sort out.


I think she is right on all the above.

And I also think that it is all feeling very familiar, but I can't work out from when. And just now I felt it was school, that I did what I wanted at school, I could be stroppy but in an odd way, like starting a school magazine aged 13 no matter who told me I couldn't. And also wanting attention but not knowing how to get it. that is the nearest I have got so far with what is going on.


When I think of NewFinder, when I am not with her, I just ache. I just ache so bad. It feels like I am being left and she is walking away. I just can't stop it feeling so bad. It is so real I keep looking up and around trying to work out where I am.

This email I have just sent to her, but it reminds me of when my mum was hurting and I just wanted my dad to stop hitting her, I would put me in the way so that he could hit me and then she would be okay. this email to her seems to be part of my little me saying " get away, get yourself safe, don't worry about me, I don;t mind being hurt, I am used to it' and I think she will hear it as the adult just saying 'you are free to go' but actually it is complicated isn't it, I would like her to acknowledge that she has dealt a mighty blow to the LostChild and LittlestOne in me, and they are hiding now deep down feeling very left and very unheard and very much that they 'don't matter' yet again.
But because she is not a very good therapist, she will probably just see this email as a ticket to leaving now.
And I am also in this email, trying to please her and stop her feeling bad. Trying to say nice things. Cos I hurt with all this friction and yelling and arguing and I want it to stop.

Dear NewFinder,
I want to make it very clear that I would like you to hear that if you are finding this too hard and too painful for you, you do not have to keep seeing me. I don't want you traumatized too, I truly don't. I would like you to seriously consider your own needs and feelings first.

I know I am muddled and I know I have some serious problems and issues and I don't even know what some of them are and cannot see them operating, so I would like to reiterate that I will not strop at you if you want to leave now completely. I have been traumatized before, but there is no need for you to go through this.

I also want to say, you managed to get nearer to me than any therapist I have worked with and you got me down to the level of the pain and anguish of the deepest core of my mind which shows your skill and caring.

I shared things with you that I have not shared before and I honour and respect your integrity and determination to stay with me as much as you could. I have learnt so much from you and I will never forget all the good things and kind things you have done and will list just a few:
1. you stuck with me whilst I was in melt down from Trickster
2. you listened and listened
3. you were kind and cared
4. you helped me through Turkey and through Thich Nhat Than's retreat. You did what you could to help me through those rough times.
5. you found ways to help LostChild and the littlest me, to speak and trust again and begin to have hope.
6. You tried so hard not to trigger me unnecessarily which often meant that you often felt you could not say things that might have needed saying. But you did that out of kindness to me.
7. You read my blog, an ask beyond AMY call of duty, especially when I was sometimes raging at you on that. I think you get all the brownie points for that alone. I feel that often made it much more difficult for you.
8. you often held your tongue when I was exasperating beyond belief.
9. you showed me such gentleness and taught me a tenderness to parts of myself that I was not always able to feel tenderness to, that is precious and shows your deep skill and depth both as a person and as a counsellor.
10. you have been pushed beyond the call of duty and I fully admit that I have not been aware of most of my own ways of being and yet I continued to act and react from ignorance and confusion. I suspect I have manipulated even under my own radar and can I apologise for things I do not yet even see in myself?
11. you were often hurt by me and did not show it.
12. You tried so hard.
13. you wanted so deeply to help.
14. you meant to help and you wanted this to work
15. you tried so hard to like me
16. I think there was a time you did.
17. I want to thank you. Deeply.
18. and I want to deeply apologise for the parts of my mind that I don't know that has caused hurt and pain and suffering and upset for you, or your family, or the surgery and the doctors.

I am sorry.

I know it seems a bit inadequate to say that, but I am. And one day when i am much more okay, I will perhaps send you a letter saying it again and thanking you for getting me where I have got to now, and enabling me to start working with someone else and go even further. That is my hope.

thank you, NewFinder.
Please do what is best for you now. I mean that honestly and truly. I think that is the best thing you can do. Don't think about me. I think you have thought about me enough.
with love Sheychen

in reply to that email she says she has cut next Weds session to one hour and we can discuss what I want to do or say goodbye.
It feels weird, she is changing the boundaries every three days now, she offered me continuing care last Friday, then Monday she said until Xmas with continued 2 hour sessions in October and now Thursday it is October is down to a 1 hour session and then unknown.

(((((oh Sheychen)))))

I am truly sorry she is taking advantage of an easy way out.

I completely understand your wanting to comfort her. I have been struggling with my T lately in similar ways (not being heard, not being allowed to express my feelings cause she becomes defensive). And the last session I just stopped trying to be heard and tried to be a good patient like she wants so she will stop being mad at me.

I have been tormented lately but trying to sooth myself through music. I found a song that resonates with me and is one I think will help me cope if T kicks me away.
I want to share if you don't mind. It is slow and a bit sad, so you don't need to listen if you don't want to. I just wanted to share.

John Mayer
"I'm Gonna Find Another You"

Lyrics

thanks Forlorn.
I have just cut and pasted a few of the replies, with initials, that have been posted by people here onto my blog, as my (now ex-T) might still be reading it and I think she really could do with reading some of this stuff. I hope people are okay with that, I would have to upset anyone, but some of it was too helpful to keep out of the blog really. Fingers crossed you don't mind.
sigh
I have had a night of broken hearted ness. and wrote THIS on my blog:
have just realised:


NEWFINDER IS NEVER GOING TO HOLD LOSTCHILD AGAIN.
LOST CHILD WILL NEVER FEEL THAT GLOW WITH HER AGAIN
IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN
LOSTCHILD WILL NOT BE HELD BY NEWFINDER EVER AGAIN


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


I should never ever had let that barrier down. God, oh god, dear god, it hurts SO BAD, so Utterly bad. If only it would STOP hurting. I so wish it did not matter. This is unremitting. Oh god, oh god, oh god.
Oh god no, not the sobbing again. Oh God, please help me. This pain is too awful. I am crying too hard too painfull to type. Please god, please god, please god, help me, my heart is cracking open. Oh god, please let me at least have some dignity here.

end of blog bit

I am going to maintain my dignity, as I do not think she is worthy of seeing the pain that what she has done, has brought up. If she does not want to see that pain enough to terminate with me, it is not a good idea to take it into sessions with me.

Oh goodness, I am just in such a state of anxiety and trauma triggering. But anyway, if any of you can hang on in there whilst I post, and post and post!

I talked to Nick the psychologist and he is offering one hour a week indefinately.
Sounds good to me.
One hour sounds hard, but I could do that.
He does not know if I need a specialist trauma person, but what I DO like about him, is we talk as equals, which I never quite felt I got from the counsellor.

He is talking to the counsellor today cos the BIG question is:
do I continue with her til Xmas
or has she had enough
or is it in my best interests to continue with her cos therapeutic fracture is a very creative space
or is it in my best interests to end with her and start to work with Nick?

I actually think he is probably talking to her right now, as she had requested him to phone her.

She can only talk really about HER process and whether she feels able to keep going and whether she feels it is more fruitful for me to stay with her or move on.

I feel like I did when I escaped from India, high anxiety and just trying to find a safety.

awful really.

But this Nick person seems like someone I COULD work with or at least have him as an interim whilst we find someone else.

The indefinately part of his contract, ie till I am not needing him anymore, sounds good to me.

I feel way out of my depth.

I am grieving from my attachment to the counsellor, I am panicking because I may not see her again (that is what they may agree to) and I am frightened of starting with someone new and i feel rejected and I feel upset and

oh all the usual.

I am cleaning my house as a distraction mechanism.

S

(((( Sheychen ))))

I think it’s great that you feel able to post (and post, and post) I hope you do continue - this is one place where EVERYONE knows how important it is to be able to talk and talk and talk and be heard. So please don’t feel in any way bad about posting about what’s going on for you - you’re in a horrendous place and I for one really admire the way you are able to express yourself about it, and how you actually ARE coping with it in a good self caring way.

Also, I’m really interested in you and how things are going for you, so please keep posting even if you feel better!

I’m also pleased that you have this new psychologist to see - doesn’t make up for or undo or make it any better what your C is putting you through, but it’s good to know you’re not having to deal with this entirely on your own without some sort of ongoing professional support.

I hope that the result of your new P’s speaking with C will be that you get to see her again, at least one more time. The least she can do is give you the chance for some sort of proper ending. Fingers crossed for you Sheychen.

LL

Thank you, LL, I shall keep posting, I am a prolific 'write it out of me' person which is why I started my blog in June what my therapy suddenly went deeper cos she held me.
I do feel I am coping though I am also in a personal hell. but hell is something I can cope with.
and DF, thankyou too, I have not asked him about boundaries, I don;t think he would hold me but I have not asked. It is so crutial for me to be held but also so 'dangerous' as I get triggered by men still. So I sort of have not asked as I suspect that he will just say no. Which means no more holding for my smaller parts of me. That struck me about 2am this morning and I just howled with it.
and I see Nick on Monday and can ask him what sort of in between support I could have.
he should have talked to my C by now, and no emails so it looks like I still see her next Wednesday. I think we have a personality clash, you know it might just be that simple!
I feel I can work with this guy, I don't know why, I just do, i sort of got on with him within the first few moments of meeting him, warm manner, respectful but insightful, hey ho, who knows.
I am tired out from it all. My mind just keeps racing and my adrenaline level is through the roof and my littlest baby (the deeply traumatised one) keeps screaming for my C, desperately. So awful. but I am managing.

quote:

Which means no more holding for my smaller parts of me. That struck me about 2am this morning and I just howled with it.

Your pain is almost palpable and I am so sorry you are suffering so much as a result of what happened to you as a young infant and child and because your T is terminating you. I just wanted to highlight what appears to me to be a healing piece through all of this and that is the grieving that you doing for the abandonment pain you felt at six months. You are obviously reliving some of that pain of having no one to rescue and comfort you. No doubt, a loss you must grieve. I am so concerned for that youngest part of yourself. Is there anyway you can turn toward her and give her any measure of comfort? Can you soothe her with a promise to never leave her and that you are sorry she was treated with such disregard by those who should have protected her?

Maybe I shouldn't offer these suggestions. IDK. It's just that I have seen and experienced so much rejection in therapy that I am coming to the conclusion that another will inevitably fail me so I must grow what I need within my adult self so that I can nurture the younger parts of me that need so much attention and nurture. It is good you are able to get it all out. I wish I could do the same. In spite of all that is happening I hope you are able to stay on a healing path.

deeplyrooted