Thank you Deeply rooted. I am still hurting so much ,it is such a real physical pain right in the centre of my chest, like a whole scoop of flesh has been taken out. I so wish I could stop it hurting. It gnaws away at me. It does not even let up at night time, and so here I am awake again at 2am. If I had not thought she cared, I would not have let my barriers down and begun to trust and then to love her and now look. If I had not got attached to her,I would not care and I would not be hurting now. I also find I am ANNOYED at the fact that I hurt and it is like she has a hook in me and can turn and twist it anyway she pleases. I just cannot stop her. I cannot stop it hurting and I wish all this did not matter to me.
I am having to be so kind ot myself as there is nothing else I can do for this hurting. I do tell my husband and when he is able, he holds me and lets me howl and at least he understands but he feels so powerless too.
I just wish it didn't hurt SO MUCH, so physically. And worse, I think she is feeling so much better, she has the power, she has started ending the therapy and is even hoping it might end by next week, and she must be feeling so much better. I think she got to the point where actually she did not care that this would hurt me so much ..
(((((Sheychen))))))
It is awful what you are going through and I am so sorry. Last spring my therapist terminated me after working together for four years and the pain felt unbearable. I do understand how you feel. I am glad you can be kind toward yoruself. You are strong and are a survivor.
deeplyrooted
It is awful what you are going through and I am so sorry. Last spring my therapist terminated me after working together for four years and the pain felt unbearable. I do understand how you feel. I am glad you can be kind toward yoruself. You are strong and are a survivor.
deeplyrooted
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry it hurts so bad. ((((Sheychen))))
What if her hands were tied?
What if she WOULD help you for longer if she could?
What if she HATED having to tell you that the surgery/doctors were pulling the plug on your help there as they thought you needed more specialised care and they forced her hand?
What if she actually truly does understand how bad it is and cares deeply?
What if she is as mad as hell at them pulling the plug and is trying to make it sound very reasonable as her defense mechanism?
What if your anger and your rage and your hurting is not aimed at her, as you have always suspected, but at FalseFinder, FalseTeacher, Trickster and the others?
What if she does feel a bit out of her depth and just gave in, from Crisis Friday, because she lost faith in both herself and you and let them all persuade her?
What if she too would dearly love this not to be happening?
What if she is not running away but being forced to stop?
What if she just got too tired herself and it was tempting to stop fighting for you anymore?
What if she KNOWS how not okay you are and how unethical it is leaving you, but cannot admit to herself that she is abandoning you. She hides behind the rules and job description and gives up even whilst knowing it is a travesty of care.
What if she is writing all these emails and messages feeling quite calm and in control and sees it all so calmly and clearly from her end and has just no idea how somebody with high adrenaline anxiety and fear will READ these emails? How devastating they appear for me.
What if she just can't see how frightening and abandoning they actually read to someone like me? Maybe they seem reasonable and normal to her?
So many 'what if's'.
But it still leaves me with the feeling that she could have said all the above if it was true. Instead she has just been 'here is the announcement of the ending and we are going to pretend it is utterly normal practice. We are going to pretend that you are not needing support now and that it is quite professional of me to withdraw at this stage. That is what we are going to do, because that way I feel better. If I admit that I completely underestimated the depth of your pain and trauma and that I sat back whilst you delved into the worst and the most horrific memories until you were reeling from the reliving of it, and then I withdrew support just at that crucial time ... well then I would feel that I have acted unprofessionally and I could not handle that. So let us pretend that I can wrap up working with you in three months with less time and less support. Let us pretend that, otherwise I shall know I have let you down terribly. Let us please pretend that and I shall use therapy jargon to uphold this pretense. "
I have been abused before in therapy, it appears to be happening again. The "I know what is right and don't argue as I am the professional' approach. Her need is to come out of this feeling she did a good job, and blow me, but there is this awful client, Sheychen, kicking up a fuss about withdrawing help just when she needs it. How inconvenient. Let us explain to her clearly that you always withdraw time, support and then the whole therapist, when things get tough. That is what you do 'at this point in therapy." Silly Sheychen, she does not understand these things.
Silly Sheychen had built a deep inner relationship of trust and intimacy and healing with NewFinder, silly Sheychen had tentatively opened her heart to NewFinder and was trusting enough to do that. Silly silly Sheychen. When will she learn that Finders want what they want and clients are expendable and if the client is angry about it, well, Finders have good sounding words and terms and therapy speak to twist the problem round to being the client's problem. Then the Finder can go home feeling it was NEVER their fault, oh no, never ever their fault, they acted impeccably.
What if she WOULD help you for longer if she could?
What if she HATED having to tell you that the surgery/doctors were pulling the plug on your help there as they thought you needed more specialised care and they forced her hand?
What if she actually truly does understand how bad it is and cares deeply?
What if she is as mad as hell at them pulling the plug and is trying to make it sound very reasonable as her defense mechanism?
What if your anger and your rage and your hurting is not aimed at her, as you have always suspected, but at FalseFinder, FalseTeacher, Trickster and the others?
What if she does feel a bit out of her depth and just gave in, from Crisis Friday, because she lost faith in both herself and you and let them all persuade her?
What if she too would dearly love this not to be happening?
What if she is not running away but being forced to stop?
What if she just got too tired herself and it was tempting to stop fighting for you anymore?
What if she KNOWS how not okay you are and how unethical it is leaving you, but cannot admit to herself that she is abandoning you. She hides behind the rules and job description and gives up even whilst knowing it is a travesty of care.
What if she is writing all these emails and messages feeling quite calm and in control and sees it all so calmly and clearly from her end and has just no idea how somebody with high adrenaline anxiety and fear will READ these emails? How devastating they appear for me.
What if she just can't see how frightening and abandoning they actually read to someone like me? Maybe they seem reasonable and normal to her?
So many 'what if's'.
But it still leaves me with the feeling that she could have said all the above if it was true. Instead she has just been 'here is the announcement of the ending and we are going to pretend it is utterly normal practice. We are going to pretend that you are not needing support now and that it is quite professional of me to withdraw at this stage. That is what we are going to do, because that way I feel better. If I admit that I completely underestimated the depth of your pain and trauma and that I sat back whilst you delved into the worst and the most horrific memories until you were reeling from the reliving of it, and then I withdrew support just at that crucial time ... well then I would feel that I have acted unprofessionally and I could not handle that. So let us pretend that I can wrap up working with you in three months with less time and less support. Let us pretend that, otherwise I shall know I have let you down terribly. Let us please pretend that and I shall use therapy jargon to uphold this pretense. "
I have been abused before in therapy, it appears to be happening again. The "I know what is right and don't argue as I am the professional' approach. Her need is to come out of this feeling she did a good job, and blow me, but there is this awful client, Sheychen, kicking up a fuss about withdrawing help just when she needs it. How inconvenient. Let us explain to her clearly that you always withdraw time, support and then the whole therapist, when things get tough. That is what you do 'at this point in therapy." Silly Sheychen, she does not understand these things.
Silly Sheychen had built a deep inner relationship of trust and intimacy and healing with NewFinder, silly Sheychen had tentatively opened her heart to NewFinder and was trusting enough to do that. Silly silly Sheychen. When will she learn that Finders want what they want and clients are expendable and if the client is angry about it, well, Finders have good sounding words and terms and therapy speak to twist the problem round to being the client's problem. Then the Finder can go home feeling it was NEVER their fault, oh no, never ever their fault, they acted impeccably.