((((((MH)))))) That would make me feel awful too.
I am glad you told her what you wanted and what is in your heart, and I wish she would of handled it much more gently and with much more reasurance, while keeping her boundaries.
My T and I were talking about my parents, and limitations at my last session. She started talking about how everyone has limits to what they can and can't do. My parents did the best they knew how, and it wasn't enough. I needed more. Now, I'm an adult who still wants to be loved. We all do. My T talked a little about how she can't ever be replacement for parents that can't love me like I need, but I can learn how to manage that pain and feel loved now as an adult. It hurt just to hearing that my T can't replace the love that was missing from my parents - and I wasn't even asking her too - but of course, deep down, I do long for it. I think it is normal and natural to want your T to love you. We talk to them about deep stuff. They treat us like our parents couldn't, and we were created to be loved and to love.
In therapy, it is tricky when it comes to that big L word though. Most Ts back off from it. I have heard of Ts here and in articles online who use "unconditional positive regard" instead of love, just to avoid all the possible connotations of love that could be problematic in a therapy relationship.
It's normal to want unconditional acceptance and love. I need my Ts to tell me when I have screwed up, and help me change, and not reject me and the relationship. I think I need it a lot because I have been missing it a lot. The way your T talked about it, gosh, it would feel like the relationship is conditional. In reality, our relationships with our Ts are conditional to some extent - but I am troubled by how much your T is. Maybe you made a mistake (don't we all?) but she also reacted with a lot of her stuff, and reacted in a really overboard way. Her not being as reassuring as you like is partly her managing her stuff. T's have boundaries and limits and don't say certain things not just to help us with our stuff, but so that they don't go places they can't handle either. (that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us, it's just them and what they need to do to help us.)
I have my own "stuff" around my T saying she loved me... I come from a biased perspective... My old T said she loved me, more than once. She did love me (in a motherly way). She cared about me too much. Her feelings for me, her regard for me and my wellbeing, killed her ability to hold the relationship better. She became controlling, and it all ended badly. She admitted at the end that she was having a hard time managing her countertranferance feelings of (maternal) love for me. hmm... maybe it wasn't so much that she loved me. Or maybe she didn't know how to love me like I needed. Or didn't know how to manage how much she cared about me without running me over...
It feels like your T has gone a bit in the other direction, being very clinical and distant.
I don't know about the love testing and adopted kids... that is a weird way of talking about adopted kids to begin with! (And love testing? huh?) Attachment can be difficult for adopted kids (although not always!) and, this is key, it can be repaired. They are not defined by their adoptive status. My sis in law is adopted, and her adoptive family was pretty cruel to her. As an adult, she has done a lot fo work in therapy and is one of the healthiest people I know. She had fears of abandonment, but she talks of them is aware, and manages it. Heck, better than I - with living birth parents who reject me in simillar ways to her adpotive parents. We connect in our simillar "black sheep" status in our families, but my brother married a great girl and he provides consistency and compassion and reassurance when she needs it in a really neat way. She has done work in therapy to heal and is continuing to heal - through corrective relationships. So am I.
We can have that corrective emotional experience and learn how to attach in new ways. We can get those needs met now that were not met as kids. It will never be the same as if they were met as kids, she is right about things in that way. For me, there will always be some needs I feel that my T can't meet, and I think that is true for a lot of people.
My current T has never said she loves me, but I'm pretty sure she does. I'm even more sure of it than the T who said it. (go fig. I dunno what that is the case.) My current T also keeps her boundaries well. She says what she can and can't do - and she is unconditional about it. They are her boundaries, and in a steady way. She doesn't change them or her opinion of me to motivate me to change or out of frustration or out of just being reactive to me or something I have done. She meets my needs within her boudaries and my own boundaries too) even when I screw up - she still keeps them and still cares deeply about me. She makes it clear that it's not about me as a person or how she feels about me, but about the work we need to do together.
The boundaries your T has shouldn't be about how she is feeling about you, but to give the right fences and space and limits for the work you need to do with her. It kind of feels like it is. And again, I really think she overreacted about you googling her... that is normal, common, and something Ts need to be aware that clients will likely do... you didn't make a mistake there and even if you have, it's not deserving of this harshness.
I would have felt awful hearing what you have. Just a week ago, I felt like my T was indifferent about something and just feeling like my T had a moment of indifference about something I needed, led me to not wanting to go back. Hearing my T say what you have, it would be hard for me to go back too.
*Some* of what your T are things that are true and would likely be true with any T, and some of what your T said seems to be her stuff. Like you even mentioned, she has weird feelings for an adopted sister and someone shouldn't be defined by if they are adopted or not. They can still be cared about unconditionally. (grr. she shouldn't bring her sibling stuff into your relationship with her.
)
You shouldn't have to "win" her care or love or acceptance. Unconditional positive regard is not about saying everything we do is ok and nothing we do can damage the relationship. It is about how are T's feel about who we are as people, while helping us do things like not "push" people away.
If your T feels like you have been pushing her away, if you have been pushing her away, of course that would affect the relationship, but it shouldn't affect her acceptance of you and no matter what, regardless of anything this T says, you are an amazing person worth deep love and care and compassion and acceptance as a person. Your T might be trying, albeit it in a cold feeling way right now, to help you learn how to be close to her in a healthy way. I'm terrible at doing that myself. When I get close to my own T, I tend to push her away or start to... do the opposite of push her away but not in healthy ways (I don't know the right words to explain it)... and my T tells me when I am acting in a way that doesn't help, and it hurts to hear that, and then she tells me what I can do.
Maybe you need to talk to your T about how to not push her away and have a healthier relationship with her and keep working on that... and of course our actions have an impact, but ugh, but you should never feel like you have to win her acceptance and care or "earn" for her to feel care for you. Something just seems a little amiss how she is handling this, and like she is speaking from some stuff that is her own that has come up in her relationship with you.
It's all gotta hurt no matter what the cause is.
I don't think that means you have to abandon therapy. Maybe her stuff is just stirred up too much right now to fully provide what you need as a T. It's not your fault, she shoudl have handled this better. You are there to be vulnerable and these feelings of wanting love and unconditional acceptance from a T are normal and come up often. It can be a place of great healing, even when our Ts can't provide that deep love you and I want. It's hard though, even when it does work well and is healing. For me, it takes time and a lot of gentleness.
Your T does care about you, although the way she has talked about it would make it hard for me to take in too.
There is NO reason for you to feel ashamed that you love your T! I totally understand why you feel ashamed, unreturned love is very hard to handle in life in all kinds of settings. But you are not doing anything wrong by having those feelings towards your T. That is normal and ok and sweet and kind. I wish your T could have looked bpast her reaction to your stuff and have acknowledged that yeah, it's ok to love her because it's a sign she is meeting some need for care and concern that is very ok to have. I wish she would have much more gently explained that she can't give it back fully in the way you want, but she does care, very much. That is clear. She is hanging in with you even when her stuff was stirred up. My T I have now had to take a break from treatment with me because her stuff was stirred up too much and she couldn't manage. She took a break to protect me and her.
It makes sense to be hurt that your T can't return how you feel towards her. Her not being able to do that is part of just the nature of therapy, and partly her and her own stuff, and none of it changes that you are loveable. You are someone people can love.
Maybe you need a break, maybe you need to find a different T, maybe you need to stick this out and see how it goes with this T and talking about this more... No matter what, I do hope you can hold on to fact that you are cared about and that you are lovable. Very much.
You are working so hard at this. I'm so sorry this happened, please hang in there. My thoughts are very jumbled up today. Please disregard anything that isn't helpful. You deserve great love and compassion and care - dutiful or not. Even if you don't continue on the journey with this T, I fully believe you will reach the destination of healing that you are seeking.
many hugs,
~jane