(((((MAC)))))
(((((MH))))))
Mac, thanks for clarifying. I have been thinking more about this question of telling T1 about the consult. Maybe if I told her and she reacted defensively, while that would definitely not be fun for me it would tell me something about my T. Because if she's secure with herself then it wouldn't matter to her if I saw another T, right? But since I am not secure with myself, I would be hurt if she displayed an indifferent attitude. Because that would mean she really didn't care if I left. So by not telling her I am probably protecting myself more than her.
MH,
I am trying to understand what you mean? If she acts defensively, then you will know she cares? And, if she doesn't seem to be bothered, then you will know she doesn't care about you? I'm not sure if I would agree with either ... just trying to clarify what you mean ...
I am trying to understand what you mean? If she acts defensively, then you will know she cares? And, if she doesn't seem to be bothered, then you will know she doesn't care about you? I'm not sure if I would agree with either ... just trying to clarify what you mean ...
MH,
If you do tell your T my advice would be to be completely honest and uncensored in the reasons why you are seeing the consult T and what your goals are in doing so. I think honesty is the best policy and it would prevent any guessing or confusion on her part about what exactly the whole consult T thing is about. I obviously dont know how your T will react or if that would be the best way to go about it, that’s only my advice based on my relationship with my T.
Mac
If you do tell your T my advice would be to be completely honest and uncensored in the reasons why you are seeing the consult T and what your goals are in doing so. I think honesty is the best policy and it would prevent any guessing or confusion on her part about what exactly the whole consult T thing is about. I obviously dont know how your T will react or if that would be the best way to go about it, that’s only my advice based on my relationship with my T.
Mac
MH,
Okay, I reread what you wrote and think I understand a little more clearly what you were saying. I also went on a consult at the end of the summer. I eventually told my T about that consult but it was quite a bit after the time period when I was upset. So, the discussion was more of a learning tool, in a sense. He didn't react one way or the other and I was okay with that. I'm glad he didn't get defensive.
I guess it's good for you to know that about yourself, that if she's acts indifferently about your consult, that you would read into that that she doesn't care about you. But I don't think you can necessarily draw that conclusion. I think you need to tell her that you need to know she cares about you. You need to be upfront about it or else you will keep hurting yourself. IMO, she needs to find a way to reassure you that she cares about you.
It's just my humble opinion but I do think that we NEED to know our T cares about us. We're doing some heavy stuff in there. Needing to be loved, I don't know, maybe some of it is transference but there is also a reality that we need to feel cared about and not have our feelings stomped on. It's like the air we breathe. We can't live without it.
HUGS
Liese
Okay, I reread what you wrote and think I understand a little more clearly what you were saying. I also went on a consult at the end of the summer. I eventually told my T about that consult but it was quite a bit after the time period when I was upset. So, the discussion was more of a learning tool, in a sense. He didn't react one way or the other and I was okay with that. I'm glad he didn't get defensive.
I guess it's good for you to know that about yourself, that if she's acts indifferently about your consult, that you would read into that that she doesn't care about you. But I don't think you can necessarily draw that conclusion. I think you need to tell her that you need to know she cares about you. You need to be upfront about it or else you will keep hurting yourself. IMO, she needs to find a way to reassure you that she cares about you.
It's just my humble opinion but I do think that we NEED to know our T cares about us. We're doing some heavy stuff in there. Needing to be loved, I don't know, maybe some of it is transference but there is also a reality that we need to feel cared about and not have our feelings stomped on. It's like the air we breathe. We can't live without it.
HUGS
Liese
Hmmm. Well Liese, I am trying to sort out what I just wrote as it seems I may be placing my T in a catch-22, huh? What I was imagining is that if T showed hostility, it might mean she was hurt. She can't be hurt by me if she doesn't care, right? But if she is not moved at all by the prospect of me possibly bailing for another T, then that might be because she doesn't want to keep me as a client anyway.
I think the ideal reaction would be for her to be secure enough that her feelings were not hurt, but still be able express sadness that she was not meeting my needs (if there was indeed any sadness) instead of being indifferent about what my seeing another T might mean.
Did that clarify anything or did I just muddle it worse?
I think the ideal reaction would be for her to be secure enough that her feelings were not hurt, but still be able express sadness that she was not meeting my needs (if there was indeed any sadness) instead of being indifferent about what my seeing another T might mean.
Did that clarify anything or did I just muddle it worse?
Liese, I think we just cross-posted. 
You just articulated the thoughts I have been trying to formulate in my brain these last few days. Thank you. This is at the heart of why I started this thread to begin with, but I need to find a way to communicate it to my T so that she hears me.
quote:It's just my humble opinion but I do think that we NEED to know our T cares about us. We're doing some heavy stuff in there. Needing to be loved, I don't know, maybe some of it is transference but there is also a reality that we need to feel cared about and not have our feelings stomped on. It's like the air we breathe. We can't live without it.
You just articulated the thoughts I have been trying to formulate in my brain these last few days. Thank you. This is at the heart of why I started this thread to begin with, but I need to find a way to communicate it to my T so that she hears me.
quote:If you do tell your T my advice would be to be completely honest and uncensored in the reasons why you are seeing the consult T and what your goals are in doing so.
Mac, I will keep this in mind, although I'm not even 100% clear on what my goals are. I sorta feel like I'm stumbling around blind trying to get my footing.
Oh MH, I so get the catch 22. Sometimes I expect my T to be angry about me for something and that'll mean that he cares. But I guess that's what I learned at home, right? Anger=caring. Bad ... wrong.
I do really think we need to feel cared about in the therapy room. Screw the transference. It has to be real in there. It has to be genuine. You need to feel as important to her as everyone else in her life. Not like a cinderella.
I do really think we need to feel cared about in the therapy room. Screw the transference. It has to be real in there. It has to be genuine. You need to feel as important to her as everyone else in her life. Not like a cinderella.
So tomorrow...I might end up briefly seeing my T when I take my daughter to her session. It's also possible I could avoid T if I just send my daughter in alone. I'm feeling some internal conflict about how to handle it.
Part of me hopes to see T, and even hopes she might try to initiate conversation with me alone for a few minutes after my daughter's session. So that part of me is going to be hurting if that doesn't happen.
Another part of me that is numb wants to avoid her because I will be re-awakened to the pain of all those desperate feelings of longing and shame which I've tried to bury the past few days.
Still another part wants to ignore her just to prove to myself and her that I'm strong and in control. That part doesn't want to admit any neediness or weakness.
Part of me hopes to see T, and even hopes she might try to initiate conversation with me alone for a few minutes after my daughter's session. So that part of me is going to be hurting if that doesn't happen.
Another part of me that is numb wants to avoid her because I will be re-awakened to the pain of all those desperate feelings of longing and shame which I've tried to bury the past few days.
Still another part wants to ignore her just to prove to myself and her that I'm strong and in control. That part doesn't want to admit any neediness or weakness.
quote:Still another part wants to ignore her just to prove to myself and her that I'm strong and in control. That part doesn't want to admit any neediness or weakness.
I know this feeling well. Will be thinking of and praying for you tomorrow. Let us know what you end up doing and how it goes!
MH,
Been exactly where you are. Actually, think I'm still there right now. Getting over the anger to ask for what we need????? Is that what it is??? I don't know but it sucks.
Anyway, if you go in today and she doesn't ask to see you, the whole scenario will be pouring salt into your wound. Can you just ask her to see you for a few minutes? Would that be too hard? I'm struggling with something similar now so .... can understand if it's too hard. You need to be prepared to protect and take care of yourself if you decide not to ask to see her and she doesn't ask to see you.
HUGS
Liese
Been exactly where you are. Actually, think I'm still there right now. Getting over the anger to ask for what we need????? Is that what it is??? I don't know but it sucks.
Anyway, if you go in today and she doesn't ask to see you, the whole scenario will be pouring salt into your wound. Can you just ask her to see you for a few minutes? Would that be too hard? I'm struggling with something similar now so .... can understand if it's too hard. You need to be prepared to protect and take care of yourself if you decide not to ask to see her and she doesn't ask to see you.
HUGS
Liese
quote:Can you just ask her to see you for a few minutes?
It's funny, that idea didn't even occur to me until you suggested it. I know T's not going to chase me. She probably won't even cast a glance in my direction. I don't know why part of me would still be disappointed; its what I expect to happen. But there's this tiny hope. So what I have been thinking instead is, "Somehow I've got to convince myself to NOT feel need."
Asking to see her, when I feel shame because I feel not good enough for her love, well it would require humility. I guess I have too much pride. At least, I think my pride might outweigh my need at this moment.
...until after its over and no contact was made...then my need might suddenly feel stronger than my pride, right? Because then the option is gone.
Oh my, we are in the same boat aren't we? I think this thread is making me realize that I really want my T to come after me. But he just won't. Why won't he?
MH, I think you should just ask, "can I talk to you for a few minutes..." yeah, that's probably what it is.
I know, MH, it's like you pass up the thing you want and the opportunity to have it and then when it's gone, the need swells out of control.
Yeah, the pride thing. That's a tough one. Gets in my way all the time.
Yeah, the pride thing. That's a tough one. Gets in my way all the time.
that's for sure. It's so hard to control!! It just takes over. I wish I could just be an adult, and ask for what I need- even if it feels ridiculous to myself. Is that what we are trying to learn do you guys think? 
(((MH))))
How are you doing this weekend? Did you see your T on Thursday when you brought your daughter?
How are you doing this weekend? Did you see your T on Thursday when you brought your daughter?
Hey Liese. You are a sweetheart for asking about me. No, I decided not to ask to see her, and neither did she ask to see me. However, T did tell my daughter to give me a hug from her vicariously. I'd like to think that was her way of honoring my desire for space while acknowledging that I may be hurting.
I've been vascillating in my mind whether to continue this break and cancel next weeks appointments too. Today in particular I am missing T, but I am still frustrated and don't know if I will feel safe enough to vocalize my concerns. If I can't effectively address them, I won't get anywhere going back, right?
I "gave in" and texted T today.
Other than when I texted last Monday to cancel my appointments, I hadn't texted her for support at all in the past 10 days. For me, that's a long time to have gone without contact. But I was trying to go longer to break myself of this needy feeling. All I texted today was "hi" but I told myself that if she didn't reply back before Monday morning then I would cancel next weeks appointments too (because then I would be upset enough to do it, right?). But T answered about an hour later with "Howdy stranger." It caught me off guard and made me laugh because she doesn't normally talk like a cowgirl. But I am sorta wishing I didn't text her 'cause now I am missing her more intensely, having had this minimal contact. 
It's so hard to get perspective when I am so emotionally involved.
No, I decided not to ask to see her, and neither did she ask to see me. However, T did tell my daughter to give me a hug from her vicariously. I'd like to think that was her way of honoring my desire for space while acknowledging that I may be hurting. I've been vascillating in my mind whether to continue this break and cancel next weeks appointments too. Today in particular I am missing T, but I am still frustrated and don't know if I will feel safe enough to vocalize my concerns. If I can't effectively address them, I won't get anywhere going back, right?
I "gave in" and texted T today.
Other than when I texted last Monday to cancel my appointments, I hadn't texted her for support at all in the past 10 days. For me, that's a long time to have gone without contact. But I was trying to go longer to break myself of this needy feeling. All I texted today was "hi" but I told myself that if she didn't reply back before Monday morning then I would cancel next weeks appointments too (because then I would be upset enough to do it, right?). But T answered about an hour later with "Howdy stranger." It caught me off guard and made me laugh because she doesn't normally talk like a cowgirl. But I am sorta wishing I didn't text her 'cause now I am missing her more intensely, having had this minimal contact. It's so hard to get perspective when I am so emotionally involved.
MH - Glad your T is respecting your space, but still "there." It must be such a tug-of-war inside right now to figure out what you will do. Missing and needing...it is so hard. I have no answers, only empathy. (((MH)))
It's good to hear what's up with you, MH, I've been kinda wondering where you went, but felt kinda nervous to ask for some reason. I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I really get how hard it is to miss your T so much. (((((MH))))) It hink the little text was really nice.
BB
BB
MH, I'm glad your T hugged you through your daughter and answered your text. I'm glad she is still connecting with you but I understand how that makes it more difficult to sort out your feelings and where to go next. I wish you well and hope you can find some peace with whatever you decide to do next week about your sessions.
MH,
First let me say how impressed I am you went 10 days with such limited contact with T. Second, I just want to say that I really feel your pain and identify with your struggle of having difficulty getting perspective when you are so emotionally involved. It sounds like you are making a lot of progress with being able to distance yourself a bit and to be honest, I am a bit envious at your strength! I know its hard for you, but you are really making great strides and I hope you are able to give yourself some credit for this.
First let me say how impressed I am you went 10 days with such limited contact with T. Second, I just want to say that I really feel your pain and identify with your struggle of having difficulty getting perspective when you are so emotionally involved. It sounds like you are making a lot of progress with being able to distance yourself a bit and to be honest, I am a bit envious at your strength! I know its hard for you, but you are really making great strides and I hope you are able to give yourself some credit for this.
(((((MH)))))
I know how hard it is. And, by the way, your questions are very good and deserve answers.
((((HUGS)))))
Liese
I know how hard it is. And, by the way, your questions are very good and deserve answers.
((((HUGS)))))
Liese
Oh, forgot to say above, wondering if you could write down your concerns and let her read them. Or text them to her?
I just got done with a text conversation with T, and it didn't go well. I don't know if I should even post about it because it will just be a total downer for everyone who reads. Plus it sorta feels like I am betraying her.
MH - I'm sorry your texts with your T didn't go well. We all worry about burdening others here, but if no one shared what they were going through, none of us would have been able to come here and find connection. If you don't want to share simply because you aren't ready, of course that's fine. But if it will help you process or maybe to evaluate things from a different perspective, please do not let these worries stop you! ((((((MH))))))
So VERY sorry MH for this painful text exhange with your T. Of course, we want to hear anything that you feel comfortable sharing. If you worry about that then start a new thread with a warning on it. Those who would be triggered can avoid it.
Please don't isolate yourself if you need support. That is what we are here for.
Hugs
TN
Please don't isolate yourself if you need support. That is what we are here for.
Hugs
TN
T just sent another text where she finally said all the right things that I want to hear. So now I'm confused about what to feel.
This thread is getting a bit long. I will start a new thread here: Sequel .
This thread is getting a bit long. I will start a new thread here: Sequel .