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13 replies

She walked out of the room

catalystcatalystMember
T2 sort of failed and retraumatized me.

*** Triggers for thoughts of SU and mention of specific type of childhood neglect ***

I'm a clock watcher but one of my Ts (t2) does not have a clock that is visible to me without me wrenching around to see it. Being in therapy for a while now I have a good sense of when my time is done. I am mindful not to get in to anything too deep if I don't have much time left and I don't linger or keep talking (at least in my personal view and T1 has told me I am respectful of her time). When we're done... I leave. If I'm activated my Ts can usually ground me (especially T1) but if not they know I'm okay and say I can call/write if needed.

Anyway, I'm not one for crying fits or in session crisis but I have been intensely suicidal lately. T1 is being my lifeline right now and T2 is really ineffective for me in that area verbally so she knows but we don't work much on it talking. T2 and I were doing body work I haven't trusted her recently to be careful with my heart/emotions so I do not tell her thoughts/images that come up during body work but I do tell her body sensations (she doesn't care either way - whatever works best for me)

I knew session was closing soon but all of a sudden I was hit with just a complete release of something. With body work you can never know exactly what is being processed. The second I sat up on the table after T was done I folded over and just sobbed. She offered me our typical end of session hug (I said no, there wasn't a way I could uncurl and feel safe) and walked out of the room letting me know if I needed anything to talk to the receptionist and that this will be a good release for me. The room is empty after me and sometimes I will stay 5-10 minutes.

I stayed 45 minutes in a state of absolute suicidal crisis - I called T1 and left messages (it helps me ground to leave messages) and just sobbed forever until I remembered I had a notebook in my purse and I drew and drew and drew until I felt safe enough to leave. The room has two doors (it's very small) and sometimes staff walk through (though if the doors are shut they don't, but they don't usually expect someone to be in there at the time [lunch] I'd be in there). I've been dealing with a sensitive situation coming up re: neglect where I was locked in my room at a young age so my parents wouldn't have to deal with me, or hear me, or see me and a TON of stuff from that time period in my life.

The second she left everything went nuts. I felt so scared and vulnerable in the room and terrified of anything outside the room, and even more scared of someone just coming in all of a sudden. I've felt that way before, except I was 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 at the time. There were moments I wanted to barricade the doors and try to hurt myself or hide incase anyone came in. It just wasn't possible for me to ask for help, especially from someone who doesn't know me well enough to calm me down and I don't know if they would have called the cops or put me somewhere scarier or what it was just like childhood... what will these people do to me if they come in or I go out and what do I do... what do I do?

T1 wasn't able to call me back until I found the courage to leave the room and walk as quickly out of there as possible - but it helped calm me down so I'd be safe at home and we grounded to an activity I was doing that evening. I know T2 had to leave because she sees a cute little baby after me (and she'd leave if she saw any client), I also know that she trusts me to get through and knows I can because I have so many times before. The situation intensely triggered me I felt like too much and that I was locked away and left and in danger. I'm not one to feel abandonment like this - it was all haunts from the past I think. But I think it was a really, really shitty time to be a boundary stickler. I know she gives me extra support, lets me email... she is extremely generous but right now I'm not as good at managing myself and it's obvious. It's not like I expected her to sit with me forever but helping me get on the path of regulation might have been you know... slightly useful and professional of her. She also knows I'm not one for long bouts of hysterical sobbing - we have no history like that what so ever. Nor do I have trouble leaving my Ts or their offices...

So.. I don't know how I feel or what to do. I'll talk to T1 tomorrow, but I feel like I'm over reacting. I know with a pretty great deal of certainly T1 would not have walked out of the room with me like that and if she absolutely had to go and worked in a multiple person practice like that she wouldn't have left someone hysterical and as suicidal as I've been alone. Neither would a hospital, neither would a friend. I can't stress enough how respectful I try to be about boundaries and time. So I don't know if she viewed my being triggered at the end of session about whatever (I don't know what but I know the being ditched part spun me out to a level I had a hard time containing) to be manipulative or what. She just feels so different to me lately, and I'm sure it's because of my own changes and struggles right now but.... I didn't realize how absolutely ANGRY I am at her (and obviously the intensity of the anger is a lot of unexpressed rage as a kid being literally trapped) until I was talking to a friend and it all came out.

Anyone want to weigh in on this?
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I incognitoMember
That sounds awful Cat. I can understand why you felt abandoned and how it triggered a lot of memories and emotions that related to your childhood because of how it echoed your childhood experiences. I think it makes sense you would be angry at T2. Even though the adult in you can understand that rationally she cares about you and she left to fulfill her obligation to another client you can still be angry that she left you alone when you needed her. I hope you can talk about that anger with both your T's and they can hear and accept it.

I had an experience once a long time ago where I left a session very upset and dissociated. I was banging my head against a brick wall of the building when my T left his office and passed me. I wasn't aware that he was there. I heard him say "maybe we can talk tomorrow" and then he walked away. It was pouring rain and when I grounded myself I was embarrassed that he had seen me and surprised that he had gone home leaving me on a street at night in the rain banging my head against a wall. I called him the next day and I only expressed my embarrassment and feelings of stupidity not any anger.

I am torn between the struggle that our T's must have between caring about us and hoping we are safe and can keep ourselves safe and maintaining their own boundaries. I think you should be able to express any feelings you have even and she might not have done anything wrong.
L lieseMember
(((CAT))))

It must have been awful to have been left in a room like that feeling the way you did. My gut feeling is that you ARE picking up something from her. Something is different. It may not have anything to do with you. But you are so attuned to her that you are sensing something real that is making you uncomfortable. Is there any way you can address this with her? Just say that you feel like something has changed? That you don't feel as close anymore?

((((CAT)))) So glad you have T1.

B bltMember
I can't be sure about the situation cat, but my guess is she might have had no way of knowing what you needed from her, of even that you wanted her there at all. Sometimes people want to be left alone. I also doubt she knew that you were feeling suicidal unless you told her. It's possible that maybe she could have stayed another five minutes if you had asked her to. Sometimes my T can sound like a broken record saying "I wouldn't have known that if you hadn't told me," but it is so true! I hope you can talk to her about this and fix it and figure out how to deal with similar situations in the future if they come up
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Cat I can somewhat imagine how that felt for you. To be in such a bad place and then have the T just walk out with seemingly little concern for how you would manage in there alone. To give her the benefit of the doubt I'd say that she probably didn't realize the gravity of the situation. On the other hand, despite having another client.... I think she could have taken another moment to be sure you would be able to leave there grounded and safe.

Like the others I can only say that you need to talk to her and tell her about how this made you feel. I have had some similar conversations with my T. Most recently when sharing my vacation pictures with him and he just matter of factly ended the session before we were done and I left there dizzy and really dissociated because I "had" to go ... time was up. I am also respectful of the time boundary even though I have always struggled with HIS time boundary because I always had a full hour session with oldT and with this T I get 45-50 minutes only.

It didn't solve my original issue but it helped to solve my reaction to his behaviors when we have hashed it out and I allowed him to know about my anger and my feelings of being dismissed. I hope you find some resolution in talking about this to both her and T1. And I'm really sorry you had to experience such abuse and neglect as a child. That never should have happened.

Many hugs
TN
catalystcatalystMember
Thanks for so much support everyone, you really helped calm me down, I was in tears for a bit.

Tomorrow, I will talk to at least T1 because she'll be pretty straight with me on her thoughts and I may be able to process there. I'm in such a vulnerable space right now (and I hope it's over soon - it's getting very old) and I don't want to risk triggering myself trying to "clap with one hand" to work this out with T2. It's a lot of stress on my system so I may need to modify what we do when I see her and leave how angry I am at the door. Now is not the time for me to be working on relationship repair but rather maintaining the life lines I do have, I'm really in a bad place. I feel like I should be in the hospital.

I feel like, I might lose T1 too if I don't get better fast enough, or my P or something. I'm really working hard right now and I'm just tired of communicating anymore. T1 said 'you NEVER leave a client in crisis'. So am I just on a countdown?

((Ang)) Thanks for listening, and yes! I wish she would have stayed a little.

((Cogs)) I think I can at least process my anger with T1 right now - that's my benefit with having two Ts is I can process with the other one HOW to approach so I don't fall in to avoidance. T2 does not resolve in a way I have attuned with yet. It took me a while to get there with T1. I'm sorry about your outside in the rain situation, that sounds very awful. I can imagine it is hard for Ts very often.

((Liese)) Actually there are things going on in T2's personal life that are stressful just recently - but I believe it is the result of a situation that has been going on for an even longer time. So I suspect that may be it, or... it could be just me - I am intuitive and sense things but they also get muddied by my own stuff. She's told me to expect she will not be replying as quickly/at all to my emails anymore for a reason I know not to be true. I'm glad I have T1 too... I'm glad I have both of them, actually just sometimes it's hard. I can tell her I don't feel close but she just says 'Well is that okay?' and I say 'Yea I guess..' and then she says 'See? We can be in relationship AND you can have a problem with me'. With T1 we actually... work on.... explore... find the root cause... but we've also done it 1000 times and at first I found her approach ineffective, too. T2 and I rarely have issues like these - again because the relationship is not "deep" on a relational level - it's deep in a different way.

((BLT)) She may not have known and sometimes when I'm sobbing and confused it's difficult to express and/or say anything at all (even T2 says that when we're in crisis parts of our brain shut off and we don't know what to do and can forget our own names sometimes - which I've found to be true). She didn't ask, we spent 15 minutes talking about it and then almost nothing else and she didn't even ask. I'm not saying I don't have a part in communicating to her but she did not even inquire as to what was coming up. It was just goodbye now. Unfortunately, I haven't learned to ask for stuff like that, especially when she was hurrying to get out the door. Frowner Even if she asked I'm not sure if I could have communicated... I would have said I felt SU and I'm sure she'd have dumped me w/ the receptionist and made me sit there until I felt better which I could do alone anyway. I dunno...sorry, you've just got me thinking. Sometimes people do want to be left alone - I've told T1 this before and she says.... sorry she's stuck to me she's going to be there (like if we're in the room - I'm always welcome to leave though). I dunno if it's safe to work with T2 for a little bit (to talk about what happened) or distance and wait. I need the check in, but I can find something else to do.

(((TN))) Thank you, and I'm sorry you can understand this feeling. I think she had little concern because I get through this stuff a lot. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it's also hard. I'm scared to find out if it's just a boundaries thing, or what. How do I know T1 isn't going to go somewhere, or get burned out, or not be able to handle my content? Ya know? How long until that happens? How long until I might be taking up too much of her time too. I wish she could have asked what was wrong, but I also know I'd be incapable of communicating I was just triggered, I just started to cry something released but it was being walked away from... so abruptly I was just.... shocked. That's new a never before in my therapy. I can see how it would be a struggle to adjust from 45 minutes from 60... yikes :/ I've recently started packing up sometimes before my T is ready and she'll say "you don't have to go just yet". Or I'm always making physical gestures like..... it's time to finish now........but she still thinks we have a minute or two. I'm really glad that it helped solve your reactions... I want to share my anger and frustration but I also don't want to hear a genuine sorry...it's strict I end when I end. Then I'll never want to do work again where I might trigger. T1 has a sign at her office (she works with 1 other T) that says something to the effect of, 'Please be patient, blah blah have a duty to our clients to leave safely blah blah if we're running late just deal' but it says it in a therapist-y way that I can't remember right now - written very sensitively.

I'm going for a walk.
catalystcatalystMember
Thanks scars Hug two

I debriefed with T1 today, who thankfully after I asked said she didn't think it was completely acceptable and I was sort of failed but also said... it happens (and I know that). We talked about how it was very much like a re-enactment and that sometimes people fail us - she said... she's been failed before too. She knows I understand that people can't be immediately available or sometimes available at all but that it does feel really awful. We talked about how scary it would have been had someone come in and just... well lots of tie-ins to how it was related.

The important thing she said is... this is an opportunity to have a reparative experience. That I could work this through with T2 and I explained how shitty T2 is at this stuff and she said well... you could call her and ask if she can be there and she can discuss this with you and work through it and help you make it different. She said if I can't feel safe unless I know she can handle my pain that it's okay not to go back, and it's okay to go back and leave if I need to, or stay.

I was so blessed she understood. She also said she kept hearing me say and felt my believe was that T2 didn't/doesn't care. And I said yes, right now in my black and white world she's a total uncaring bitch Big Grin and T said she knows T2 speaks very highly of me and cares a lot. We talked about how she has been consistent in the past - all the stuff I needed to process.

I still feel like I need to talk to T2 on the phone (for 5-10 minutes) and tell her I'm afraid she can't be there for me and can she talk this through with me - that I need to make sure we can have a safe experience so that I can feel comfortable coming. I'm not sure if that is obnoxious. It's not an emergency but... for my own safety I may need to cancel.

Is it too early to ask that? T and I also talked about that I could see how it goes and not let it stop at the place it usually stops at. We also talked about that a lot of my anger and fear is coming out of the past - that's why it will help for this to be worked through differently.

It's just T2 is absolute shit at this, so I feel like I'm going to be taking responsibility for both our sides. That I have to be empathetic and understanding of her leaving, and empathetic and understanding of my feelings/fear, and talk myself in to why everything is okay with out any facilitation at all. Which again, comes down to my very strong feelings that she just doesn't care... so I really can't predict how it will go but... should I ask? Or just wing it?
kmaykmayMember
Cat -

That sounds awful to me and I am so sorry you had to go through that. I feel like she should not have left you like that. My T (and I'm starting to think I am just amazingly blessed with her) would never have left me in a state like that. If I was suicidal, she would have cancelled her next appointment or even let me cry in another room until she could come back to me. I understand about boundaries, but isn't it also their job to take mind of your well being? Im sorry, Im probably not much help, but I just feel so awful that you were left alone like that. I definatley think you should talk with her about it. I wish I could give you my T...she would have held you until you felt safe Smiler - Hang in there.
catalystcatalystMember
((Liese)) so... I took your advice, and decided to try to write my T (she's been having issues with her email and she has let me know and I'm 110% okay and do not feel abandoned by that in the slightest). I may call her but I doubt it. What was healing about this experience that T1 brought up was (and this is somatically) but I felt trapped, like when I was little and escaped. Literally... escaped and was okay. All I have left to do is have a different end on the relational stuff. So I just emailed my T and said, I know you may not 'hear' (read) this before Thursday but... then I laid out what I needed to (I can read it to her in session on Thursday). I don't think she had time to read it because she's still having computer/internet issues but she wrote me back saying... something like... I'm having problems w/ my computer/internet still (legit problems, she wouldn't lie) and said I am not abandoning you, I just can't get my technology to work, etc, etc and be as tuned in as I want to be. So i wrote her back... I know about the internet stuff, I feel okay with that and not abandoned and you probably didn't have time to read but the below is about something entirely unrelated to email. I don't even know if she'll get that message so it should be interesting inviting her on to my train next session and if she can't cut it on short notice and I can't handle it... I'll leave, we'll try again. Thanks Liese, I'm sorry I always write you gigantic replies. (hug) I'm glad T1 helped too, she gives great perspective - helps me explore my stuff and understand where the intensity was from, and how I can leverage this break with T2 to heal something I haven't gotten to in the past. Hopefully she's right.

((kmay))

quote:
I wish I could give you my T...she would have held you until you felt safe


This T is usually like that - that's why this was like a.... total shock to my system. T1 would make sure I was regulated too. T1 had wished that T2 asked me to stay in the room and either had someone check on me, or came after her next appointment just to check in. After I kept saying T2 doesn't care, doesn't care, doesn't care T1 said... well, what has she done before when this has happened (the 3-4 times it has) and I said... well, she'd usually come over and hold my hand. And T1 said see? So she doesn't just leave you (I was being black and white, obviously so she was trying to mix me in to a shade of grey). I know there was a time I left T1's office just going bananas and could't even hug her on my way out... she said... it was okay to refuse a hug but she knew if I did I'd have probably broke down and she would have been there to hold me. My Ts are both very good, very generous, very supportive - just I got f'ed BIG TIME in this situation. I think, if the trigger hadn't happened after, and I was in my normal place mentally I'd have been fine. I'd maybe not have spiraled and regulated myself and left and maybe brought up that I thought it was a little mean. But it's like now she is tied to my complete sense of worthlessness. That whole situation was a re-enactment of being locked up, trapped, scared... the difference is I got to rescue myself but what I need to do next is turn what happened in to just a human error/boundary thing/who knows instead of turning it in to a deep sense of betrayal and knowing just exactly how meaningless I was to someone else... because all that is my parent's. If I can correct this with her... if something can be different... that will help because I want to untangle the transference. My Ts both work with alternate endings to scenarios to sort of process them and what would have helped was to have someone know and care I was in there and let me out. I know now I'm capable of getting out myself (which is the whole point) but what's coming up I guess is how I can't believe someone would do that to me... for years and I get T2 tangled in it.

How do you repair that? T1 said I need to ask T2... if she can work through that with me somehow. That she can tell I'm fearing that T2 cannot handle my emotions about this or accurately make it a corrective experience.

ANYWAY I'm repeating myself... that's just sort of where i'm at. Frowner
kmaykmayMember
Cat,
I had a sort of similar situation once with my T but it was something she said, not did that just brought me to a horrible place where I felt like I couldn't trust her or that I was being judged by her. I ended up canceling my next apt and when she called to check on me, I briefly (with what littli courage I had) told her how I was feeling and she ended up asking me if I wanted a referral to anothrt T since I felt I couldn't trust her anymore. That made me feel even worse like she just wanted to get rid of me and my problems. I ended up taking a two week break in which I went through a horrible depression. When I finally got the nerve to contact her she offered for me to come in at no cost and discuss it. I went in and I ended up getting terribly upset and walking out. It took another week of me sorting it out in my head and we met again and we were able to work through it. Anyway, moral of my story is....I feel like T's feel like God to us sometimes.....like they can do no wrong, so when they make a mistake (and I feel like your's did in that instance...she shouldn't have left you) then it feels so incredibly awful and overwhelming. But I believe that you need to talk it out in detail with her so that you can feel emotionally safe to move forward. In my case, I realized (and so did she) that she did make a mistake and she admitted it and apologized and it brought us even closer. I'm glad you emailed her. I hope it goes well at your next apt....update us...
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Nothing to add or offer but hugs to you (((CAT)))

I do agree that it may be an opportunity to re-experience an old situation with a new, repairative outcome, as shitty as that may be to work through.

It sucks living in black and white. I hear that blending the two adds nice variety into life, but I'm still not sure how that works...!

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