Now that I've had some space to get over the, "See? My mom is normal and I'm making it all up for attention," thing and be back to believing that there is some real damage from that relationship, I'm reflecting on her visit.
I couldn't make eye contact with her. I could only look at her when I knew she was looking away. Some of you noticed, sorry, that a CP got triggered out from her visit and was terrified we're in trouble for even talking about her. The same one muted us in therapy for 30 minutes last night for that reason and then talked to T for the first time, though I don't really remember except knowing they're scared of mom.
She played with Boo nicely, but any time Boo showed a slight inclination to ignore her and want to do something else, she seemed to start to get offended and act like, "Well, are you going to spend time with me or not?" As I said in the check-in thread, I think she's only capable of that sort of relationship. It is why she likes having infants around. It's why she keeps taking in animals all the time and forms closer bonds with them than her any of her children once they've reached toddlerhood. It's why she is a performer by profession.
I actually wouldn't mind giving her attention (I am a caretaker by nature) if her volatility in response to any perceived slight didn't make it so toxic. But, because it is, I can't want to even be around her, no matter how nice she seems to be trying to be. I feel it's unfair to cut her off, though, and Boo didn't pick up on her attitude, so as long as I am there with them, I feel OK with Boo getting to know her grandmother to the extent that my mom is capable of being that person. I mean, they played with my mom's dog and played catch and Boo showed grandma all her chalk drawings. Other than my mom's demanding to have Boo's undivided attention during the visit, she didn't do anything bad toward Boo.
I explained my own lack of interaction by the fact that I was tired, not sleeping well with H out of town, which was not a lie and part of the reason I didn't have the energy to deal with mom like I usually would.
She did direct some stuff at me that I maybe didn't used to be as aware of and and I realized she wants to take me over, have me dependent on her like some of her other kids are.
She insisted on giving me money, but it was from my grandpa that he gave to her to give to all the kids, so I had to take it. Otherwise he'll ask whether I got it, etc. I could send it back to him, but that would be rude. When I was hesitant about accepting it, she cattily said, "Just give it to your church, then!" She said she has a gift card for me to, from a store I shop at regularly. She didn't state a reason for having it. I declined it, said I didn't need it, and I knew things were tight with her financially, so she should keep it. I mean, she is renting out two of the three rooms in her house to total strangers, converting the living room into a bedroom for my niece, housing my sister and nephews part time in the dining room, and my little brother lives in the converted attic! If her finances are so bad that my own family (especially my niece and little brother, who are high schoolers) has to live that way, I'd rather her spend money on THEM.
She asked about the house, whether it had short sold or foreclosed, and for how much. She chided me on not letting her "help" me with that situation. I'm not sure how she defined helping or what she could/would have done, but I always decline to be financially attached. I told her it didn't matter, as we were so far underwater anyway. She complained that they should have adjusted our mortgage (she's had three modifications on houses she "owns" under another person's name and was simultaneously scamming the system to get "rent" assistance for living in one of them). I kind of poked the bear by saying that we were the ones who didn't live up to our contract. She has an entitlement thing and thinks the rules don't apply to her. When I've described it in detail to T, he has said it's kind of sociopathic.
Finally, she asked how much we were spending for rent on our new place. I didn't really want to tell her, but I also didn't want to start an argument about how/why it was none of her business, so I just told her. She proceeded to tell me I was spending too much money, she thinks I got a bad deal, am being cheated...then offered to kick out her current tenants from one of her houses (a three bedroom) and let us rent it with a roommate for $525 more than we're renting our two-bedroom. She kept complaining that I wasn't letting her "help" me.
I haven't accepted help from her since the one Summer (after sophomore year) that I went home and stayed in the dining room. The previous year, I lived with an old pastor in a spare room (one who knows T, coincidentally). The Summer after junior year, I did Summer school to stay on campus. After senior year, I immediately (six days later) got married and moved in with H. My whole junior year after staying there 2.5 months, I had intrusive SU daily. I considered dropping out everyday. Being involved with my mom in any way is toxic to me.
She wants to take me over. She wants me dependent on her like most of her other kids are. Well, my younger siblings have started to follow suit. The youngest moved in with her boyfriend to be free of living there. The second youngest moved in with the healthiest of our siblings. My brother is still trapped there and with doing so poorly in school, who knows how he'll escape.
The oldest is there part-time with her kids. Everyone but me (and maybe the other older sister) goes through mom for insurance and cell phones and what not. I am the only one who has refused to need her completely.I think it infuriates her. Any time I am vulnerable (like these financial struggles), she looks for a way in, not because she wants to help me, but she wants me to be helped by HER. She wants me to be attached to her. I can't attach. Either the stuff the kids have showed me about what happened is true and that's why, or she was just EXTREMELY neglectful during an extended period of depression and instability in my early childhood, then toxic to me in my teens. Either way, no matter how much I want to give her the gift of being able to love her in that way, of being able to even WANT to depend on her, I can't!
When T has me imagine her changing, being a better person, being able to approach her and be safe, I can't even want that. I don't want her to change. I just want her to give me permission to give up trying to protect her from my inability to attach to her all the time.
I thought my mom didn't really criticize me except when she felt attacked, but now I realize, it's laced throughout every communication, how much better off I would be with her help, how I'm not competent to take care of things on my own. The same things she says about my siblings behind their backs. It makes me sick, because I've spent my whole life proving to her I don't need her, and she just won't accept it! I may have needed her to be a better person a long time ago, but now I don't. I just need to be allowed to let her go, to treat her with the love and respect that I show any other human being, with no expectations of her being special to me, beyond gratefulness that my daughter would not exist without her having given birth to me. I should have the right to make that choice.
