OK, so EVERYTHING is triggering me right now. Example: we had two sets of friends over for dinner and one couple's nine-year-old girl ended up kissing the other's seven-year-old boy or something, while her little brother ran and tattled on them (they were all playing video games while the adults chatted). Anyway, I got super-triggered and freaked out about some stuff that happened between a boy and I when I was about five that seems super-creepy now, but might be totally normal. I have had some people say the stuff (no details here, you're safe) that happened was normal and other people say that it was very much not normal and way young for that stuff to happen. Pretty much getting triggered left and right by different things all day every day, especially with my sister living with me and taking care of my nephew the way I used to for my younger siblings.
ANYWAY, so I get a text from my mom tonight, asking if I want to meet her at the park Tuesday afternoon, so she can have a little time with me and my daughter. I don't know what to say. On the one hand, it's a nice gesture. It's the first time in almost a year that she has offered to come over for any reason other than needing my help with something regarding her houses, legal stuff, computer stuff she has no clue on. I am not in any danger from her, because as soon as I cut all financial ties with her, the absence of dependency made me more-or-less safe. However, I am having a lot of memories surface from early childhood that seem sketchy to me. A lot of extreme neglect, later abuse, and putting me in vulnerable situations that allowed others to abuse me. I am afraid seeing her right now will trigger me into an extreme depression. Also, she has a habit of talking behind everyone's back and telling me how horrible other people are and I don't want to be caught in family drama. Last, I am SO pissed about her not taking care of my baby brother in the way he deserves, I'm not sure I can even stand to see her. If I confront her, I *WILL* be in danger for some emotional abuse and even as an adult woman, I'm not sure I can take it.
So, while she probably has harmless intentions, this woman is toxic to me when I'm not dissociating past memories and feelings. I can easily make an excuse, because she usually only has 30-60 minute windows once few months unless she needs something. I can avoid seeing her privately, where we have to talk, and maybe take my daughter and H to one of her earlier gigs, so she can "see" us, but I don't have to interact with her individually, without support. But that feels like such a chicken move and not fair to her, if she really is trying to be a good mom/grandma. Then, another part of me says that even if she IS trying, she always ends up failing, acting abusive or at least completely inconsiderate of my feelings. So, I am going back and forth between what I think is "right" (to give her a chance) and what feels "safe" (to keep distance while I am so activated on all this past stuff).
What do I do?
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Anyway, wow, I don't know why that's coming up for me, because it's totally off-topic. All I'm saying is, she's not someone who really is going to want to take care of my kid and despite her competence at keeping six kids physically safe, her ability to "care for" children is quite compromised. Ugh, if I can't even write all this without feeling ill and having memories pop up, I probably ought not to see her right now. I probably will just make an excuse about being busy or too exhausted, both things that she considers "valid" reasons for not seeing her, because she uses them constantly, so it's not like she can argue. Maybe I will make plans with a friend that afternoon, so it doesn't have to be a lie.