Hi Phillygirl and welcome to the Board. I also started my therapy years ago just when my mom was very ill and close to dying so understand your state of mind and how it feels like you can't cope. I knew my T about 6 weeks when my mom passed away.

It is good that you were able to do some crying and allowed some of the pain and grief to come out. I have spent a lot of time crying in therapy with 2 different T's. They have never actually handed me a tissue. They HAVE made sure that I had a box of tissues next to me for when I needed them. Did you have any tissues within your reach?

As far as your T not being able to handle your emotions... I guess I'd like to ask what kind of T he is....what is his training and mode of therapy? Is he used to working with grief and trauma? Does he work with deep emotions or is he strictly a CBT T or a type of life coach/solutions oriented T? It really does make a difference in some situations. I am not saying here that a CBT T cannot handle a patient's emotions or is unable to help someone through grief... but knowing a T's background and training can give you some insight into how they react to situations.

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now. How long will your T be away? Can you contact him out of sessions? I would definitely take your concerns to him when he gets back. Tell him how his abrupt ending made you feel. My T and I have had many disruptions over his ending sessions and we have worked together to find a way to do this so it is not triggering to me or feeling like an abandonment. The best way to find the answers is to ask your T.

Best,
TN

Hey Philly!
I'm sorry to hear about ur mom & that ur struggling. But in T is a good place to be for it. I totally agree w/ TN & you need to find out what type of T this person is & if its a good fit before you go any further, or feelings get worse.
There's a thread on the forum of "questions to ask ur T." I think it's called. I used some of these open questions to set up clear boundaries so I know when my T goes on vacation I won't have access to her or that she doesn't text but does email. Having this in black & white can make a difference instead of guessing. If you've only seen ur T a few times I think you can still talk about these questions.
Afa the tissue? For me personally? I would've been upset yes knowing I needed some consolation, but that's my opinion.
I also agree w/ RT that you need to take care of yourself right now & do some self soothing. You deserve it.
I hope we hear from you more on the o.f.
Mudddddd

PS
GO PENGUINS!!

Sorry Flyers
(sorry I'm assuming ur from Philly....& not the horse. Lol)

Thank you all for the kind replies. I did look around are there were no tissues. He is a psychiatrist that specializes is psychoanalysis, so he does deep work. I have seen other therapists before and never remember feeling hurt by them and not consoled.

The other strange part of the dynamic is that I am a physician myself and would never treat someone like that. Part of me wants to contact him but the other part wants to have this conversation in person so I can see how he reacts when I discuss this.

I am going to the gym, exercise always makes me feel better.

Phillygirl, thanks for posting.

One thing I'm learning through my therapy work is to be able to let feelings exist, without needing to justify or invalidate them. So, I think in my case, I would try to step around the question of whether I should be (i.e. do I have a right to be) hurt. Automatic reactions like pain and anger don't (often) immediately take into account a larger context before concluding a reasonable, objective my justifiable response. Obviously, we want to put some space between the feeling and any action taken based on the feeling (especially the really intense ones, because I do think there are actions which are justifiable and healthy, or not, in response to how others behavior affects you...boundaries management, etc.). But, your feelings? They just are. I spent my whole life trying to justify my right to feel how I did while others invalidated it, until I learned it was less painful to just invalidate my own thoughts and feelings from the start, rather than wait for someone else to do it.

So, I've begun to think the more helpful path to follow is asking:

-How do I feel? Really flesh it out, as it is often more complicated than I initially realized.

-What was the precipitating event that triggered these feelings? This might be an interaction (as in this case) or something in your environment that stirs up memories.

-Is the intensity of my emotional response adequately explained by the event above? If not, what past experiences might be informing my feelings or otherwise confusing my interpretation of how others think, feel about and treat me?

-Last, if it involves another person...Is the other person safe and competent to discuss this with, work through the part that is about now with grace (and in the case of a T, process the past aspects together as well). This can be a real challenge if you have wounded trust, because it can be really difficult to see even the safest people as anything other than a threat when we are vulnerable. Or else, some of us also learned to not have any boundaries and let people in too close before they've shown themselves to be safe.

I don't do this from a list, like above, as it is rather sterile, but that list is the process my mind will naturally go through if I allow myself to sit with my feelings without judging them...which is insanely difficult for me to do, but I get a lot of practice at it with my lovely, safe T.

So, if the answer to the last question is that you think your T is safe and competent, there's no reason not to bring up your feelings of disappointment, hurt, and anger, your wishes he would have acted otherwise. It's really uncomfortable, but feelings themselves aren't accusations, and a safe person will be able to deal with the discomfort of their actions or boundaries causing hurt with sympathy and without getting defensive.

I just had to do this with my pastor, and though it took several days before we could talk about it (I wrote him an email), once we did, I was reminded what a caring, safe person he is. He said sorry even though we both knew his intention wasn't to hurt me and I was hearing an awful lot of past stuff. I tried to stop his sorry, but it was important to him to say it, because even though neither of us felt he was responsible for my pain, he still sympathized with it and regretted being the trigger who stirred up so many past messages.

Only you can decide if your T is safe to express your hurt feelings to and true He will respond empathetically and/or make adjustments to how he interacts. My T is super-safe and though I know he has (normal, hurt, human) responses at times, he does his own work on them and they don't enter into our work together. Most of the time, if I manage to get angry, he points it out for me to pay attention to and gets very enthusiastic with me allowing myself to feel that...I have a huge problem with invalidating my own hurt, disappointment, and anger, as I said. Anyway, keep us updated on what you do and how it goes!

Hey Phillygirl,

Just wanted to tell you that I can totally understand why you would be hurt and that I'd feel hurt too. I'll tell you a terrible story that my last T told me. I left her btw. She had doublebooked me and as part of explaining how it happened, told me that she was worried about her memory. Then she told me that one of her clients had spent an entire session crying about his mother's recent death. My T must have been zoning out because she forgot that his mother died and made a comment in the next session that made this evident to the client. She told me that he never came back to her.

For me, it's important to feel emotional support in session, especially when I'm in the depths of despair. I certainly don't want to feel as if my T is emotionally removed from what I'm going through even though I know that they aren't feeling as sad as I feel. Sometimes I wonder if they burn out and don't realize it. I'm not saying to leave him. Just don't invalidate your feelings or perceptions re: that session. It would make me leery of sharing that kind of pain with him. But that's just me.

Hi Phillygirl,
I'm really, really sorry for what you are going through, and to be dealing with your mother's illness right when you begin with a new therapist is really unfortunate. To also have him leave on vacation is just so unfortunate.

Should you be hurt? If you are hurt, you are hurt, there is no "should" when you have a feeling. If you talk to this therapist on his return and he gives you a reason for the way he acted that makes you feel better about his behavior, great - but still, you are hurt right now. Please talk to your T on his return about how you feel about the way things went in that session. A good T welcomes that sort of feedback.

Some therapists feel strongly that they should not hand the tissues to a patient who is crying because it could be interpreted to mean that the T wants you to stop crying (because uncomfortable with so much emotion, or annoyed, or whatever). However, I have never been to a therapist who did not have tissues readily available and very easy for the patient to spot. I think it's odd that there weren't any tissues anywhere. If he just ran out, I would think it would be common courtesy to explain that to you.

About his reaction: I guess it's possible that you misread him and that he actually was showing empathy in some way, but this sounds off to me. The quality of the relationship between the patient and the T - the therapeutic alliance - is crucial in healing. I don't know that much about analysis (and maybe you aren't having analysis), but it is still therapy, and I think it's fair to expect some high quality empathy from any kind of therapist. Especially under your present circumstances. Maybe this is all some kind of misunderstanding, or maybe this T is not a good fit for you. You are going through a very hard time right now - try to find out soon if this man is going to be able to help you through it.

I really can't believe he told you to have a nice weekend. When my T knows I'm facing a lousy weekend, he acknowledges it by very gently saying "take care."

I'm sorry, I feel that I am being too opinionated and saying too much, but I can imagine how I would feel if it were me. I hope you're ok, and that you can clarify things with your T soon.

I spoke with my T about feeling hurt at the last session, and he apologized a bit, and thought that maybe his actions reminded me of my husband.

My mother died while he was away, and he didn't mention that he felt bad about that. The thing that is really driving me crazy is that I feel no warmth or sharing from him at all. Everything he says is so measured and neutral. I shared with him the eulogy I gave at my mothers funeral, and his response was thanks for sharing that with me.

When I emailed him that my mother had died, he wrote " I hope you are doing okay and continuing to manage the situation as you have been doing all along" and from another email"it sounds like you are handling an incredibly difficult situation the best way you can"

Is this normal? It just doesn't feel right to me.

Phillygirl, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I think your T sounds a little cold to me. I couldn't see myself working with a T like that. I need more warmth. My T went and bought a book and gave it to me when my mom died. That mean't the world to me. To answer your question, ya I would be hurt. Does he ever show any warmth? I really didn't like his answer saying his actions reminded you of your husband. Again, I couldn't work with a T like this. Losing a parent is a big deal no matter how old you are.

Please take care and again, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.

Philly
Just my gut reaction so you can use it or leave it.
You're a physician & if you feel he's not supporting you especially now when you really need it, maybe it's time to do just some research on other T so you have it in your back pocket so to speak. Maybe you need a different type of T, not psychoanalytical but behavioral maybe?
At such a difficult time in your life you need someone to lean on & he sounds more like a telephone pole than a pillow.
Again just my opinion.
Mudd

Thanks so much for all the replies. The only other thing I can add is that the first few sessions didn't feel this way, he did share some personal things about himself and had a few kind words to say ( he said I was resilient) It's like he shifted and then turned to stone.

The only thing good about it is that it has made me realize that I have a hard time trusting people who are guarded and don't share their feelings,and that I typically seek out warm people.

I started seeing a new t a few weeks ago. Things seem to be going fine. My mother has become very sick in the time we started and is close to death. The last session was extremely emotional for me as I discussed my mother. I had never cried before in front of him. While I was crying he didn't offer me a tissue. Then all he said was it is ok to struggle. I knew that he had a vacation planned. At the end of the session he ended ubruptly and said have a nice Memorial Day weekend. I felt so hurt that my grief was minimized and that he didn't offer any comment to reassure me or tell me I could contact him while he was away. I am barely able to function, and I told him this yet he wished me a happy Memorial Day. I felt like he could not handle my pain at all. What do I do if she dies while he is away?[/QUOTE]