pixie21,
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you posted. I am so sorry that you were forced into slavery at the age of seven. It's really horrific that people do that to anyone, let alone an innocent child.

I am also sorry that you find yourself falling back into this behavior after feeling like you had put it behind you. But I know in my experience healing is spiraling experience with three steps forward, two steps back and you go in circles, returning to issues again and again but going deeper each time. So the fact that you are in this place again doesn't mean that getting better is hopeless, it just means you're human (along with the rest of us ).

As far as counseling, I would really recommend it (but I am a big proponent of the benefit of therapy because it has helped me so much). Being treated the way you were and being forced to do the things you did at such a young age, would be very damaging. Most people would end up with deep seated unconscious beliefs about themselves and unprocessed grief, anger and pain, that would continue to drive them until dealt with. Just because we're not conscious of all of our feelings and reactions does not mean they are not affecting us.

The fact that you are back using drugs is probably a good indication that you are trying to hold down a lot of pain. Therapy would provide a way to deal with that pain in a healthy way so that instead of just enduring it, you could actually heal.

I'm not sure where you're located, but if you are in the US, I would contact your local county government, they should be able to provide referrals to agencies that provide therapy for free or on a sliding scale until you can get on your feet and afford more. I hope you can find help, you deserve it. I think that fact that you were able to leave that life and accomplish what you did speaks to an incredible strength. If you did it once, you can do it again.

AG

I'm in the US, but there is no local places that specialize aren't christian counseling and I don't have a car. >.< I really appreciate your reply. It means a lot to me!

hi pixie,

I'm very sorry to hear about what's happened to you.

Even for people not victims of any sort of child abuse I'd recommend counseling; I think it really does help improve and build upon yourself if you are ready and want to. I think, like AG, that it sounds like you are holding down a lot of pain and therapy really can help you deal with it in a way that isn't hurting yourself.

I hope this isn't offensive but perhaps you could try non-christian counseling and reach out also to a church to augment [I can't tell if you are saying you want christian concealing only or if the places in your area are only christian counseling and you don't want that]? Even a pastor can help with stuff like this if you did not want to see a non-christian T.

I don't have a car either and have found ways to get around (bus, rides, and there is also medical transport which if you receive state funded insurance I know from people I've met at my treatment center that medical transport is also available in some cases).

Hope you are able to find some help. Take care..

Hi Pixie, welcome to the forum!
I admire you so much for having addressed these issues so directly, and I completely agree with the others here - therapy would be immensely helpful.
If I can share something for just a moment, maybe you'll see what I mean.
I lived a life that was pretty self-destructive for a while, and then "got rescued" by some dear friends, and made some massive changes in a very short time. It was like a honeymoon phase, you know? I felt empowered, and I'm pretty sure I said at one point, "I'll never be like that again!"

Well! Deeply ingrained patterns don't just change because we tell them to, and unless the underlying issues/causal factors, etc. are resolved the patterns usually reemerge. I waited 25 years to get therapy because I didn't realize my self-destructive behaviors were related to my old behaviors, and I kept thinking "I'm strong, I can make it through this" - yeah right - the self-destructive behaviors just took on different forms. My T has helped me see the patterns more clearly, and see how they are linked to other things I do that I hadn't even realized were connected. He's been a "safe place to fall," thankfully. By identifying the hurts I went through - some self-imposed because of self-loathing, I've been able to make great strides. And when I DO fall back a little, like today, I don't stay down as long - I get back up stronger.

So please know that unloading on someone trained to help you heal could truly help you do just that, and the sooner, the better.
Again, I'm sorry you were put through such abuse - no child deserves anything remotely close to what you were put through, and I think you're awesome for coming here and reaching out like you have. Hang in there, girl, and keep us posted, ok?

Hugs,
Starry