Kmay
I'm sorry your having conflicting feelings & yes RT is giving some great advice! If you didn't have kids would you ck yourself in? Sometimes you have to put your family to the side & think of yourself. Those kids need you & if they see you helping yourself thru a hospitalization than they'll know it's ok to be sick & to ask for help. You would show them that.

Like RT said see what is available. I wish I had an IOP program where I live, but there's nothing & my stay here is anything but typical. There are some really nice facilities out there that can help or point you in the right direction for help. You're worth the time!! Take care of yourself & get the help you need.

Have you talked to your or have a Pdoc. There are meds for racing SU thoughts. That might be helpful when they have a chance to kick in.

Keep your chin up- you can get thru this!
Mudddd

Kmay, was/am in your place. Hard.

((((kmay))))
RT has alot of good advice.
i'm so sorry you're suffering so much right now. it will pass. i'm thinking about you and hope you take good care of yourself while you're going through this.

Thank you for the support and advice friends.

RT - I called a friend who knew more about this type of thing and got information on the programs the hospitals we have here. I feel like I am treading in very unfamiliar waters over here. I have struggled with depression my whole life. I have felt hopeless and useless and wondered why I am here. But I have never had obsessive thoughts like this and it scares me. Although I can rationally say in one minute, I would never, ever do anything to myself b/c of my kids, in the next minute I am obsessing about how I can take myself out of pain. I'm scared of myself right now and I have never been in this place before. Thank you for all your advice.

Mudd - I don't know what I would do if I didn't have the kids. I keep thinking about this rather confusing part of the Bible that reminds me that if I take my own life, that I won't get my ticket into heaven...all joking aside though, I mean I think about that, so....I don't know.

(((((Scars09)))))) - Your not alone and I'm sorry for that b/c it means you are in a hell of a lot of pain and I get that. Stay safe.

CD - Thank you. I keep telling myself that it will pass and that I just need to wait for the med change to kick in which can take several weeks.


I told my Hubby everything tonight. Was honest with him as my T suggested. I also apologized for being a wretched awful evil person to him. I take all my irritability, frustration, pain, scared feelings...everything out on him and he just rolls with it. I am lucky to have him. We are going to my Pdoc together tomorrow and I have agreed to be completely open about everything. I don't know why I have masked it up till now. I guess I didn't want to believe that I was in that bad of a place. I guess we will see what happens then.

I really appreciate all of your support. My baby girl fell asleep next to me watching Pinnochio tonight...that did ease some of my pain

Thanks again friends

Thank you (((RT))) Starting to get a little bit scared about being so open and honest with the Pdoc. I know its in my best interest, but I guess I'm afraid he might have me put in the hospital or something, even if I didn't want to go. I don't know. I saw my T this morning. She assured me that it wouldn't happen, at least not in this traumatic way I am imagining, if he even did decide that is where I need to be. She says I am still in pretty good control and that would not be her reccomendation at this point. I am feeling the tiniest bit better today so I think it will be ok. I just need to get through the wait of the meds kicking in. Darn those anti-depressants! Why can't they work like an advil or tylenol? Instant! They should inject them into by brain

RT,

That is so funny. That is EXACTLY what my T said. She said there is nothing wrong with me making the healthy decision to check in myself (if I felt I needed to) vs. it being a traumatic experience. She used the word dramatic too lol. She explained it that I can be admitted just until the transition with the meds are done and it can be a calm experience where I have no extra stress that contributes to my obsessive thoughts and I guess the hospitals here have in patient sort of therapy programs while you are there. It's not like a guard is watching over you and your just laying there with straps on or anything like that. (believe me, I was imagining that). I still feel, today at least, that I am ok. I will update after appointment this afternoon.

((Kmay)) Just thinking about you. Hope all is well.

Kmay - if it makes any difference, here's a bit of perspective from someone who has seen the process on both sides:

My mom has had mental struggles her whole life. She's made several trips to the local psych ward, and they've always been a tremendous help to her (and to the rest of the family, actually!)

I can recall times when she was checked in against her will. Those were the most painful times because she fought and argued, and usually ended up spending a lengthy stay when she was checked in unwillingly. (Not necessarily as in taken in against her will, but more as she really had to be coerced into going.)

I can recall other times when she knew things were not going well and she needed to go in for a spell. Those were often the shortest stays, and the easiest on everyone.

I know it isn't easy leaving behind a family but it is very helpful to the family, too. It was hard not having mom around during some of those visits, but she always came back better able to be mom.

Good luck to you, never an easy decision to make.

Thank you Jillian and R2G,

I really appreciate the support and your perspective R2G.
I saw my Pdoc yesterday and we talked alot about my obssesive thoughts. It really helped me gain some perspective on it and we decided that as of right now, I do not need to check into a hospital and I feel comfortable with that.
Hoping the new antidepressants start working soon.

Thanks so much friends,

Good to "hear" from you Kmay. I've been thinking about you all day. I have terrible obsessive thoughts about ED behaviors. I know how they can feel overwhelming. I'm waiting for my new AD med to kick in also and hopefully alleviate some of the thoughts.

Thinking of you.

Jillann

Hi kmay

I really hope the ADs start working for you. Once I got on the right medication (an SNRI) my suicidal feelings went from what I considered "just part of life" (chronic, unrelenting). To stabilized.

I've checked myself in before, twice, and both really helped there also (they are good places to get stable on meds).

I'm glad you've been so open in talking about this stuff w/ people who can be supportive.

Thank you (((Jillian))) & (((Cat)))

Sorry it's taken me awhile to get back here.
I started the AD's on Thursday last week. They have a sedator in them to help me sleep. It works, but it makes me terribly groggy for the first half of the day, which adds to my depressive feelings. But then, halfway through the day, I do start feeling better. I am going to give it some time to see if my body gets used to it. This particular med is supposed to "kick in" alot quicker than most AD's, I guess. The obssesive thoughts have faded a bit. I have never had that before and it was scary. It's kind of strange, being afraid of yourself, isn't it?

I really appreciate the support. Thank you so much.

Yes, it is strange and scary to be afraid of yourself. I hate it when it happens, but just can't tell myself to snap out of it. It just is there.

Kmay it's good to hear things are a bit better. It is scary to be freightened of your own thoughts. I hope this med works out for you. Pdoc upped the dosage of my AD today hoping to get a stronger result. I am still struggling with obsessive ED thoughts. I hoping upping the dose will quiet these thoughts a bit.



Jillann