Hi Butterfly,

I can really understand why you are indecisive about taking your old T up on her offer...on the one hand you want to see her again...on the other hand, you know just one session won't be enough for you to process what it is you need to look at. It IS what you want, BUT just not enough of it. What a difficult decision to have to make.

Butterfly, it is so hard to know what I would do in your situation...but my best guess is, I think I would pass it up and look for a T who will be there for the long haul...as hard as it would be to pass up that one more session...like you said, I wouldn't want to lose the acceptance gained at this point...especially as it came with a price...the pain of grieving.

One thing that I would hope does not affect your decision is how your old T may or may not feel about it...like whether or not she feels "annoyed" at your indecisiveness...personally I don't know why she would be "annoyed"...to me it is perfectly understandable that you are indecisive about this offer...and I would think she would understand that too...anyway, I know it is so easy to say, but so hard to do...but this is YOUR therapy, YOUR recovery...so I hope you do whatever is best for YOU regardless of how she might feel about it.

Let us know what you decide and how it goes for you...I'll be thinking about you.

Hugs,
SG

HI Butterfly,

That sounds like a really difficult predicament. It sounds to me like a part of you really doesn't want to go and I don't see anything wrong with that. But another part, does want to go. Do you miss her?

Also wondering how the whole thing came about? That she offered another session?

SG…thank you for responding…I don’t think I have spoken to you before but I love reading your posts. What you said is all so spot on…it is only when I wrote my post I realised it is way too much to deal with in one session. My original worry was I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing her again but it is sooo much more than that. I had to make a decision quickly in regards to accepting the session or not so I panicked.

Liese it is a really difficult decision and yes I miss my T greatly but the reason I wanted to see her was because I know she would be the only person to really understand what was going on for me right now. I don’t know if you read my other thread but I had a session with a new T and when I left that I felt so low that I text old T with an issue that has been really difficult for me. I had no idea she would then offer me a session!!

I am sitting here thinking I need to cancel and yet just the thought of cancelling now is making me want to cry because even if I do it is still a loss all over again as there was the chance of seeing her. I really wish I had never accepted in the first place…I was really stupid…I don’t know what to do .

Butterfly

Hi Butterfly,
There is no wrong or right answer here. I think unconsciously, you're assuming that if you decide to go that's absolutely the right thing to do, or absolutely the wrong thing to do, and you're scared of getting it wrong.

But the truth is, that we always have to make decisions based on what we know at the time and on whatever level of self-understanding we're experiencing, so in this case there isn't so much a right or wrong, as you deciding what is best for you under these circumstances. The really good news is that you are the BEST judge of that in the world, no one has better knowledge of you than you, so trust yourself. And here's the thing, if you do make a "wrong" decision, you are strong enough to live with the consequences of that and to learn from it for the next time you need to make a decision of this sort.

I know that it feels like it, but this isn't life or death. If you go or don't is really only going to affect you and as long as you're willing to accept what grows out of it, you can't go wrong.

BTW, if I was reading this, I would be thinking "oh shut up and just tell me what to do already!!" That's the hard part of being human, we have to decide for ourselves. But I know you'll make the right decision for you. I hope you can achieve some clarity and peace about whatever you decide.

AG

Good luck with your decision, Butterfly. I know how difficult that one must be... What a dilemma. ((((giant sustaining hugs for you as you are deciding this))))))

Love,

BB

I know that I am the only one who can make this decision AG, I just wondered what peoples thoughts would be as I am struggling with it and I know its not a life or death matter but I am teetering so close to the edge at the moment I don’t want to do anything that will make it worse. I think I have made a huge mistake by accepting as I knew it would be hard to cancel no matter how much I think it might damage me and I think I have left it too late now anyhow. Yes I am always willing to grow from my experiences but sometimes it just takes a lot of pain and time. Thank you for your faith in me.

Thanks BB for my hugs – they are much needed.

Butterfly

How's it going, Butterfly? Are you doing ok?

BB

Thanks for asking BB...I am ok, just taking a step back as I am hurting a bit at the moment. I did see my T so I feel sad which I guess is my own fault for going ahead with it.

Butterfly

It is ok to feel sad, Butterly, there is no wrong in that. ((((Butterfly)))) we are here if you need to share, or just some support for you in your deep sadness.

BB

I agree with BB, it's okay to feel sad. There is no fault in this. We are here when you are ready. (((hugs)))

((((((butterfly))))
take all the time you need, and come back when you are ready... and I agree - it's not your fault. I would have likely done the same and met with the T. so sorry you are hurting.

Hey Butterfly,

It sounded to me like there was pain in this situation - not of your making - whatever your decision was. I'm sorry for that. I applaud you for facing the pain and making the choice that felt right for you though. Doesn't make it easier, I know. Definitely not your fault.

J

Butterfly,

Sounds like you are beating yourself up for going to see her. Who wouldn't want to go see her? All of us here have old T's that we severed with in one way or another and would not be able to resist an offer of another session.

without knowing more, it's hard to say what went on, except that in some way she let you down but you feel responsible because you should have known she was going to let you down. Butterfly, She offered the session to you, perhaps knowing that she wasn't going to be able to give you what you wanted? So doesn't she share some of the responsibility here??? There's two of you there, not just you. Try not to be so hard on yourself!!

(((HUGS))))

Liese

(((((((((Butterfly)))))))))) I am sorry you are feeling sad after seeing your T...but I do hope some good came out of your visit with her...please take good care of yourself...we'll be here when you're ready to share more, if you'd like.

Big gentle hugs to you,
SG

BB, STRM, Jane, Jones, Liese & SG I can’t thank you all enough for your kind responses. It means so much that you guys don’t think it is my fault for feeling sad…I just can’t help but think I knew the consequences of accepting the appointment therefore I only have myself to blame for feeling the way I do. I spent the evening before in tears because I knew I should cancel but I wasn’t strong enough to actually do so…I really started to panic. Yet on the day I was sooo numb I didn’t feel anything beforehand nor when I was with her except momentarily for a second I thought I might cry which I held back.

Liese, she didn’t let me down. I am the one who let myself down, she made it extremely clear what she was offering to me and it was down to me to work out whether I could handle it...I just couldn’t resist the appointment a bit like a small child wouldn’t be able to resist if they were offered candy.

I think it just made everything I was dealing with that much harder as it brought home to me that she was no longer around to help me work it all through making me feel even more alone.

Butterfly

Dear Butterfly,

It sorta sounds to me like you knew you would need to grieve afterwards, but you decided to willingly take that responsibility and let yourself have those feelings because there was something genuinely valuable you needed from connecting with her. I think that is a really brave, mature and quite beautiful decision to take. The decision to connect and to let yourself feel. The whole "you only have yourself to blame" thing only makes sense if you believe it's not okay to have sad/bad feelings. If you understand that there is a role for those feelings and accept that then there is no blame.

And there's certainly no blame coming from my way. I have a sneaky feeling that you actually did exactly the right thing for the whole you. Even though it hurts.

Be gentle with yourself through this difficult time.

Jones

Awww Jones...can't tell you how much better you made me feel..you really do have a way with words. Yes I knew I would need to grieve all over again and yes I think that having even the slightest connection with her did help.
I think where I am coming from is that yes I took some responsibilty knowing how I would feel but I don't feel I have a right to advocate my sadness here if it is something that I chose to have happen if that makes any sense...actually I am not sure it does. I do know I am very good at blaming myself.

Thank you for your kind words

Butterfly

Big hugs for you, Butterfly...you deserve all care and support and empathy right now, an dI hope you will keep posting about all your feelings around your decision. I like that Jones has said:

quote:

The whole "you only have yourself to blame" thing only makes sense if you believe it's not okay to have sad/bad feelings. If you understand that there is a role for those feelings and accept that then there is no blame.

And there's certainly no blame coming from my way. I have a sneaky feeling that you actually did exactly the right thing for the whole you. Even though it hurts.

So I decided to quote them so that you would have a chance to read them over again!

Big hugs,

BB

Thank you BB, it means a lot that you think I deserve care and support. Yes...thanks for reiterating what Jones wrote I re-read.…one very wise woman. I do believe its ok to feel sad and that the feelings play a role in my whole process, I am just not sure if I should be sharing that here and looking for support for something I knowingly walked into.

Butterfly

Hi Butterfly,

quote:

I do believe its ok to feel sad and that the feelings play a role in my whole process, I am just not sure if I should be sharing that here and looking for support for something I knowingly walked into.

If being sad about something we knowingly walk into disqualifies us from seeking support, then we need to shut down the forum.

We all choose to go to therapy knowing that often it can be very difficult, and bring up some really uncomfortable feelings, which often drive us to the limit of our resources to handle. Forgive me, Butterfly, but I really can't see you saying to someone in the middle of a deep struggle "I'm sorry, you chose to go to your therapy session this week, so I can't believe you're coming here for support, you idiot. You got yourself into this!" Your sadness isn't due to you going to seek support from someone you felt safe with, the sadness grows out of what you're dealing with that you needed help with. You are NOT choosing to be sad Butterfly. You have good reasons to be sad that are not your fault. I really and truly believe that your beating yourself up about seeing your T because on some level you have the same voice in your head that I carried for a long time. Let me tell you what it so often said and see if sounds familiar. "You IDIOT, you know you're not supposed to trust anyone or open up to anyone! You know you're going to get hurt!! But you're just too weak to say no, you are so childish and weak, you do anyway. and what happens, you get hurt! Just the way you knew you would! so don't you come crying to me now, you knew what would happen, so you just deal with that pain alone!" Is that it?

That is the voice which we internalized to try and stop ourselves from trying to get our needs met. Because when we tried to get our needs met, we were disappointed and got hurt. It's not the truth. The truth is that we are supposed to move towards a caring other for comfort. Yes, sometimes we get hurt, but that's not all we get. We get love and understanding and acceptance. And we deserve care and to have other people come alongside us when we're hurting. That voice is a bit fat liar.

And you would never let that voice speak to anyone else but you right? So just consider that it shouldn't be speaking to you either.

(((((Butterfly)))))

AG

Hi AG,

You are right I definitely wouldn’t tell someone who was struggling that it was their own fault. I have completely double standards and cannot offer myself the same empathy and understanding that I would naturally extend to others and I really hope I haven’t offended anyone with what I have written. No I am certainly not choosing to be sad...I really struggle with sharing my sadness though as it is not something I am used to sharing with anyone, therefore am feeling incredibly guilty for doing so here.

quote:

Let me tell you what it so often said and see if sounds familiar. "You IDIOT, you know you're not supposed to trust anyone or open up to anyone! You know you're going to get hurt!! But you're just too weak to say no, you are so childish and weak, you do anyway. and what happens, you get hurt! Just the way you knew you would! so don't you come crying to me now, you knew what would happen, so you just deal with that pain alone!" Is that it?

Yes...that is exactly it!

quote:

The truth is that we are supposed to move towards a caring other for comfort. Yes, sometimes we get hurt, but that's not all we get. We get love and understanding and acceptance. And we deserve care and to have other people come alongside us when we're hurting.

Yes I know this is true but I just can’t feel it at the moment because my T was the caring other I turned too and now she is gone...which hurts alot. I know I am being immature...I do know what you are saying is right.

quote:

And you would never let that voice speak to anyone else but you right? So just consider that it shouldn't be speaking to you either.

Of course not! I obviously don’t think as much of myself as I do of others. I will try and give myself a break.

Thank you for my hugs and for understanding.

Butterfly