Hi, SNT.

I'm glad you decided to post here. I think that being able to vent is completely invaluable, but if you were to begin therapy with a good, competent, empathic therapist, you would be able to find ways to deal with things going on in your life. Your T would help you figure out the best way for you to handle your boyfriend's reactions regarding your attending therapy. Not to say that it would be fine and dandy, because from what it sounds like, you already know what you may be getting into. But, in my opinion, the benefits greatly outweigh the risks.

Also, it may take some time to become comfortable enough with a T to air your dark thoughts, SNT, but a good T will be accepting and validating, just like Draggers said. I have trouble talking about those sorts of things, too, and though it feels like I have to push myself off a cliff to get the words out, I'm glad that I tell her. I know I'm fairly vague about the things I tell her right now, but she never pushes me to say more than I am ready to. And even with how vague I am in what I tell my T, it always feels better to know that I'm not completely alone in my thoughts - that someone else knows about them and understands and validates them and the feelings that come with them.

It's completely your decision, SNT, but also keep in mind that you can always visit a few therapists, "try therapy on," so-to-speak, and decide where you want to go from there. There's lots of information on the internet about good questions to ask a potential therapist and the best ways to go about seeking therapy. Nonetheless, it's always different from person to person. But you can always stop going to therapy if you don't think it's for you. It sounds like you're really struggling right now. You can always vent here, but know that a good T will not condemn you for your darker thoughts.

Take care,
K

quote:

Originally posted by Provocative Girl:
Dear SNT:

Welcome to the boards!

I feel your frustration and am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. It can be very lonely without anyone to vent to. You are dealing with a lot right now, it seems.

I think you would benefit from therapy. And not for nothing, but I think a good therapist will be able to assist you in navigating your way through dealing with how your significant other may react to you being in therapy. SO's can be little saboteurs when it comes to our own healing. Perhaps you could open a dialogue with him about your intentions by reassuring him that you would like to deal with some of your OWN stuff. That way he can begin to get used to the idea that your therapy is about you and not him. If you need help coping, that really is about you and not him, so you wouldn't be lying. I just would hate to see his issues control your life and your path, you know?

I also worry, based on your post, that you may be in an unhealthy pattern right now, or possibly an unhealthy relationship altogether. His disorder should be managed instead of you being managed by his disorder. If you are limited in who you can talk to, visit with, or engage in any other healthy manner by his insecurities or problems, then that is a big red flag that needs to be dealt with, in my opinion.

As to the dark thoughts that you feel you would have to keep to yourself, I think you will find that with a compassionate, attuned, and caring therapist, you should be able to express any thoughts you wish. That is one really useful part of therapy - the forum to vent thoughts and get them out, so they do not become bigger than they are. In other words, voicing "dark thoughts" takes away their power and when the power is gone, so is your guilt. You should feel free to get those thoughts out in therapy without fear of repercussion or embarrassment.

I am not an expert by any means, just another peer going through life, so take all I say with a grain. I do wish you the best of luck during this time and my hope for you is that you find peace and strength to endure.

Warm Regards,

PG

Thank you PG,You are very insightful, and with the relative short post about my situation, you were able to see to the heart of the matter. You are right, my relationship is unhealthy-(sometimes it takes someone to point this out.) Don't get me wrong- he isn't physically violent. it seems that he wants to be in control-something that has progressively gotten worse.
I am still debating on therapy. I don't know what to do. The suggestion about dealing with my own problems is a good idea. although I have a feeling if I tell him I am starting therapy he will want to go with me.
Thanks again,
SinkNtired

Thank you Dragonfly and kashley. thank you for your kind welcome and words. You are both right, my SO disorder is running my life and it is driving me crazy! When he leaves to run an erran or give a friend/relative a ride to some where, he is gone for H O U R S, when I leave to go some where I feel like I am on a timer, he calls on the cell phone and ask if I am done 'yet' or am i 'still' at the store ( thank goodness my phone is out of minutes now.) If i am done at 10pm at work, 9 out of 10 times he will call me be 5 minutes till and start asking me if I am done yet! GRRRR! lately I have gotten...or should I say trying to get in the habit of doing stuff I want to in the mornings. My son is in day camp so I have him to the Y by 8 in the morning. I have a cup of coffee/hot chocolate, work out til 9, shower, and spend an hour at the library next door-so I return home about 10:30- and every night I remind him that I will be home around 10:15 to 10:30 and every night he says "why, what do you have to do" -At least I am getting some ME time and it seems to help a lot.
As for SO, he is on medication and that helps tremendously!(when he is off his medication I want to wring his neck!) he is suppose to be in counseling but has missed an appointment-and hasn't rescheduled another one. As for therapy, his disorder cause him to be paranoid and going to therapy would cause him to think that I am talking about him- and all honestly-I would be talking about him-so I can't take him with me.
So for now I will just vent here and continue to debate.
Have a wonderful day.

Hi everyone,
OK, i have done some thinking and I have talked with my sister and she feels that this isn't the best situation for my son and I--and in all honest-I agree with her-its not. She has offered to help in any way she can to get help us to "get out" of the situation........so, now that I have decided that I need out of the relationship (i was originally planning to make do until February when i had my tax return check- so i had money to move)HOW DO I END IT? We aren't fighting right now- so this would come out of left field. I have always tried to end a relationship peacefully and would like to keep the peace. I am not the drama type to start a fight, nor am I the kind to leave while the other one is out of the house( there is no closure for that situation)the problem is that I am on kind of a time frame, school starts at the end of this month and it would best if I could start my son at the school he would be attending-he would be in one school school if we remain at home and a different one if we move and stay with my sister. Oh, I don't know what to do! its really strange, even though I know I should end the relationship-I deserve more then what I am getting from "j", I keep trying to rationalize why I should stay-or not go. "its not that bad" "he isn't physical against me" "i love him" (and i do- this would be oh so much easier if I hated him). Then there's the whole being alone issue and my son missing his dad. Talk about a battle between brain and heart, mental and emotional. As you can tell, this decision is new and I am not...comfortable with it yet. Well, thanks for listening.

Hi SNT,

Welcome!

I don't really have advice on relationships so I can only offer up my opinions.

But I wonder would it be beneficial to try couples or family therapy at this point. Maybe it is not the therapy you want because you want time for yourself to work through you, and that's a totally valid and understandable want.

But maybe going with him will help him feel better about it overall, and give you two a place to talk about the relationship and each other objectively.

And maybe if you are wanting to leave the relationship then he may be in a stabler place with having heard your frustrations in the couples therapy? Then the leaving won't seem out of left field so much.

Just my opinions.

I hope things work out for the best and I wish you well in this.

Thank you again for the kind words.
I must forewarn you, I am in a l o w mood today, and have been since last night. I am having a "I am so tired of living" kind of day. Don't worry, I am not suicidal, just...tired. Tired of money-or lack there of, tired of feeling like I am on a time frame no matter what I do, while "j" can go and come when ever he pleases- is gone for hours and i have no idea of where he is. Tired of never having gas in the car because he and his 'friends' run it out. Tired of never getting to do what I want-and its not even that i might have something I want to do-its the fact that I can't suddenly decide to go see my sister or go for a car ride or take time in activities I like- because he has the car and when he doesn't- there isn't any gas in the car or someone will need a ride somewhere in a "few minutes" Tired of ..."J" and his...'failure to maintain proper hygiene and appearance' You know, when you get in a relationship with a MAN you expect a few certain things- like a man to brush his teeth, take a shower on a pretty routine bases and have some..SOME kind of care about his appearance. Right? Not "j", he doesn't care, he goes days without a shower and refuses to brush his teeth. (grrrrr) and he gets annoyed when I mention that he needs a shower. Am I asking too much for a man to take care of his body?
On top of all that, last night......he was 'picking' on our son, well his idea of picking(playing)is, to what most would consider, annoying. Basically, from my side of the story, he plays rough and "L" isn't like that he is a calm child and Dads kinda of play isn't "L"s, so "L" cries and then dad gets..mad. Calls L all kind of names. Last night he called him a Pussy. (what kind of man calls their son that?)L loves swimming and j called it a "fagot sport" (not my words!his!)(thanks god L was a sleep when he said that) He thinks that a boy has to play football and wrestling to be....a real boy. Oh GOD, what am I going to do? School starts Monday and I can't afford to move this weekend. I have to enroll him into school today and that makes me feel stuck here.
Well I have to go, thanks for letting me vent, I feel better!
SNT (my name sure suits me today!)