Hi Everyone,

I've been lurking for a while now so I thought I should make the leap and say hi . I've learnt so much from reading about your struggles and I admire your courage especially facing attachment and transference issues which has given me the strength to keep going. I'm at my breaking point now with my t and I'm wondering can any of you shed some light in this darkness?

I've been in therapy for 5 years and this year has been the hardest one. My relationship with T has been seriously strained by her inconsistent behaviour (minor but is a very big deal to me to feel safe with her) and my anger has kept her out for the last few months which she has found challenging to say the least! She went on holidays which was more upsetting than usual for me as we had been working on inner child stuff so all the abandonment issues came out big time! I told her I would miss her and was afraid she was going to die (two family bereavements this year)but she didn't seem to grasp the gravity of her leaving. Two weeks past and my life became an emotional roller coaster which I found very difficult to cope with (huge anxiety about meeting people, going out). So when I saw her again we had a talk about what was going on between us that was preventing the real therapy. We came to an understanding of being more open with each other and her checking in with me more often.

So the following session, I told her everything that was going on for me, all the stuff that i keep bottle up for months because I was so angry with her. I was really on the edge and she was really great. But then after the session my anxiety peaked because its always been a pattern of a big disclosure session and then the next one - everything turns to shit (she doesn't get it, says something hurtful, there's always something!).

So yesterdays session I was very anxious this was going to happen but everything seemed ok, until I got really upset and then had a panic attack in front of her. She helped me through it and I felt so relieved. She was talking about minding myself and just out of my mouth fell 'I wish you were my mom!!!!!!!!!!'. She asked me what I said and I repeated it. There was the longest silence which the shame gremlins filled most successfully. And then she proceeded to suggest ways I could comfort myself with no acknowledgement of what I just said! I told her I just needed a few minutes to get my head together before I left to shut her up but she continued and I just said ok to everything. She asked was I cross, I said no, badly masking being hurt by her dismissive response or complete lack of one. I then said do you not know why I am upset? She said was it about what we were talking about but I knew that was just a cover. I said I just said something to you and you didn't acknowledge it at all, I don't know if you didn't hear me and if so thats fine (thinking I could swallow it all back!). She said she didn't know how to respond to me because its a delicate issue. So I said you just decided not to acknowledge me at all? She said she if she said it would be something we have to talk about it would have come out clumsy. I said you've said many clumsy things to me before and it was ok because I knew you were making an effort. But just not acknowledging me at all! I said I feel really angry and before I would have hung my head and coward out of here but I'm not because I did nothing wrong, I felt comforted by you and I just wished that my mom could see me the way you do. And the fact that your not able to acknowledge what I said is your own fear and has nothing to do with me. She said she'd have to take it on board and look at it. I left and then text the next day I was finished with therapy. She sent the usual dry response back that we have discussed previously that this is what therapy is all about and if i want to work through it she'll be there for my app. But I just got the sense that she has had enough of me. She was burnt out before she took a break and I feel thats all my fault and now this. It always happens and I'm tired of our relationship being such a volatile central piece to my therapy.

If you've read through my ramblings and got this far....thank you. If you have any insight into the situation I'd be very grateful, my t really means the world to me in every sense as right now she is my only person and losing her on top of all the other losses in my life, i just don't even want to think about it. Is it me or is it her? Should I go back? Do you think I was right about it being her fear? She doesn't have kids, I don't know does that even matter! I think I am going crazy trying to work out her head without projecting! Any comments, insights are much appreciated. And thank you for this space to unload my upset and confusion.

Lexi